Author: Warm heart
Original Starter: Satya Parenting (ID: Satiryuer)
When I went to a neighbor's house to borrow something two days ago, I met her and her son arguing.
Only after asking the reason did she find out: she signed up for a guitar class without her son, and waited until the day before the lesson started.
My son was very resistant at that time, and yelled directly at her: I am tired enough of studying, why should I pay for your preferences?
The neighbors always wanted their son to learn guitar, but his son usually had a full schedule, and only had time to relax on Sunday afternoons.
Unexpectedly, even this bit of free time was deprived, so the mother and son were arguing about it.
At that time, the neighbor complained to me: You said this child, didn't he sign up for an interest class? I'm not for his own good, as for yelling?
After speaking, she looked sad.
In fact, every mother is for the good of her children.
It's just that some parents always want to use their own strokes to outline the high-quality conditions of their children, and arrange everything for their children in detail.
But it's actually very offensive to children because it exhibits a higher "control" component.
In order to raise excellent children, sometimes parents should not be too arranged and anxious, and it is more beneficial to the growth of children.
01
3-6 years: sowing period
Let children gain creativity through "play"
Some scholars have done an experiment on "play".
The researchers selected two groups of mice:
The first group of rats had only one, locked up alone in a dark house; The second group had ten rats and there were many toys in the house.
Three months passed like that.
Found:
Mice without playmates have very few successions in the brain nerves, but mice with play companions have many successions.
From this, it is concluded that:
Children who can play have higher EQ, because children learn to get along with others in group games and complete their socialization, and the more children who can play, the closer the nerves are connected and the more creative.
This means that children who can play will have stronger abilities in the future.
The early childhood enlightenment period is a "seeding" process for children, and our children's enlightenment education is more inclined to encourage children to play.
If children before the age of 3 are still in the passive play stage, then children aged 3-6 will actively look for games of interest.
At this time, children in the process of playing blindly and messy, the brain develops rapidly, their understanding of the world is also rapidly building, in the process of playing, constantly shaping character, improving communication skills and the ability to deal with problems.
Play is an important social activity for children to enter social life, in addition to cultivating children's ability to explore, the most important thing is to exercise children's ability to make independent choices, so that children can slowly learn to make their own decisions.
If parents stop the child from playing, it is cutting off his ego capacity.
The child's "sowing period", play is his desire, parents should not suppress the child, otherwise it will bring pain and suffering to the child.
It is best for parents to be lenient with their children, encourage children to explore through play, and let children delve into things that interest them.
Sow the seeds of "freedom" in your child so that they can find direction and purpose in play.
02
6-12 years old: formative years
Let children find themselves in a "relaxed" atmosphere
The age of 6 is a watershed in the transition of children from relying on their parents to relying on themselves, and children at this time slowly resist their parents' way of reasoning.
For example: "You have to study hard, otherwise you won't be productive when you grow up." ”
If he finds it annoying to say more, he will contradict you: Whether I have a show up or not is a matter for later.
At this time, the child's greatest desire is: to take control.
This means that parents need to put the leadership in the hands of their children, even if parents love their children, they must give their children the opportunity to participate and let their children practice.
From the age of 6, parents must learn to "delegate power", give children the right to choose, the right to try, etc.
After we give our children a "loose" growth environment, in fact, many problems of children will slowly appear, and such education will be very relaxed.
However, many parents do not give their children the opportunity to participate, and always restrict their children's behavior under the guise of "you are still young", which causes many children to become worse and worse in dependence and rebellion.
Parents think that their meticulous care and all-round arrangements are for the good of their children, but in fact, children feel burdens and shackles.
Living under the strict control of parents, the child's autonomy is deprived, and the heart is very depressed, accumulating a lot of anger.
Children in childhood are the most malleable period, and if we want him to grow up in a relaxed and pleasant environment, we must use less of the word "staring" to discipline children.
Parents should gradually "loosen" their children's education.
The child's affairs, try to let him solve it himself, can communicate but do not force the child to listen to the parents, give opinions but do not make decisions.
Be the child's influencer, not the controller, so that the child can find himself in the respect of his parents.
03
After the age of 12: harvest period
Parents "slow" down the pace, children grow faster
After the age of 12, children enter adolescence, and the role of parents is no longer "discipliner" but "influencer".
The education center should be "self-teaching first, then influencing".
Qian Xuesen, the father of Chinese missiles, often uses a word when educating children - role model.
Every night after seven o'clock is his study time, during which he does not allow others to disturb.
This behavior of his deeply affected his son Qian Yonggang.
His son Qian Yonggang said this in an interview:
"If there is any secret to education in our family, it is that it is not education, and if it comes to words, our family has almost no education, mainly relying on example."
In the article "Father Qian Xuesen Holds My Hand", he recalled his father and said:
Reading is the family style of our family, and the biggest influence I have received from this family is the love of books.
Under the influence of my father, I also developed the habit of loving reading. Now as long as there are favorite books, whether useful or not, they can be bought back and read without utilitarian purposes.
In my impression, the most beautiful picture in the family is the figure of the father reading carefully under the light.
Behind every excellent child, there is a "shaper", that is, parents.
The real meaning of teaching people to teach themselves first is: parents must "slow" their children and "fast" their own pace, and transfer their anxiety about their children to their own efforts in order to harvest excellent children.
Only by setting an example for parents can children benefit.
Adolescent children are less able to sit and listen to their parents, and more to observe how their parents are doing.
If your child is bad, then by influencing him with actions, you are actually telling the child "what should you do".
There is a question on Zhihu: What habits of your parents have influenced your life?
One netizen said:
For more than a decade, my dad insisted on waking up at 6:30 every day to read a book.
And my mother, whenever she has free time, will also pick up books and read carefully.
Every day after dinner, my parents would meet downstairs to play ball or go for a run, and then chat tirelessly when they got home.
Years later, I realized that these were "deliberate" education by my parents.
To educate children, you should be "slow", don't spend all your energy on children, just do your own thing.
In the ears, this learning will be integrated into the child's blood and bones, become their habit, and will also become the best spiritual food.
Why is it that the more anxious parents are, the less successful their children are?
Because the growth wrapped in parental pressure is passive and powerless, and hard work without motivation will not lead to results in the end.
The child's world should be: full of hope, love, support, freedom, choice, these opportunities created by parents for their children can allow children to see a higher world.
Education is a slow and elegant process, there is no "success", only "completion", parents can raise excellent children.