Small A:
Suddenly found that he and his siblings had been PUA by their parents for many years, and he was terrified to think about it.
From childhood to adulthood, we rarely hear praise from our parents, whether it is good grades in studies or how to make progress, parents habitually pour cold water.
I remember once, I played a song I had just learned (my brothers and sisters said it was good), and my father frowned after listening to it, saying what kind of thing are you playing. It hit me hard, so I never wanted to share it with my parents anymore.
My sister once ranked first in the whole grade in the exam, but my parents said that it must be too simple this time.
My brother once made a small mistake and was scolded by his parents: "Why are you so stupid!" Can't do anything well!". The list goes on.
Because of such a depressive family atmosphere, we have always felt quite miserable, and we don't like to talk to our parents and don't love home. Even on weekends, there is time for holidays and would rather be out than go home.
What bothers me is that I can easily influence my decisions because of my parents' words. For example, before the college entrance examination, my parents asked me what major I wanted to choose.
I said I liked mathematics, and my mother immediately poured cold water: you are a girl, definitely not as smart as a boy, what math to choose. I wasn't convinced: how could it be, my math score was first in my grade. Mom struck again: What if you don't play well in the college entrance examination this time?! Don't come back and cry then.
And the scary thing is that although I feel hurt and angry, I really didn't choose to major in mathematics. Because of my parents' blows and denials, I so completely abandoned my favorite mathematics.
When I was a student, although I was unwilling in my heart, I didn't think deeply, why did I give up so easily?
It wasn't until I graduated from college, worked, and got married that I realized that my parents were still strongly interfering with me, even though I was physically far away from them. And I, even if I am very disgusted with my parents, even if I have been "sucked blood", but when it comes to life events and career planning, I habitually ignore myself and give priority to them.
I felt very unhappy, when I once complained about the unreasonableness of my parents in front of a friend, a friend pointed out to the point: What do you think yourself? What the hell are you afraid of? Without your cooperation, can they force you?
What a word to wake up the dreamer.
Why should I cooperate with my parents' manipulation?
I have seen a lot of psychological science of "gas lamp effect" and "mental manipulation" before, but I suddenly realized that I and my siblings are also the "manipulated" of parent-child relationships, and parents are the "gas lamp people" of their children.
What exactly is the gaslight effect?
The gaslight effect comes from the movie "Under the Gaslight".
The movie is about mind control in marriage:
In the film, the husband deliberately turned the gas lamp on and off.
When the wife mentioned that the light flickered on and off, the husband not only firmly denied it, but also told her that it was her hallucination and that there was a problem with her own perception.
This plunges the wife into self-doubt.
In the end, the wife completely gives up her ability to perceive the world, completely dependent on her husband, and obeys his words.
A wife who was originally confident and capable of independent thinking, under the long-term mental control of her husband, became self-doubting, and finally almost completely controlled by her husband.
Later, the "gaslight effect" was widely used to refer to this emotional abuse.
What is even more disturbing is that the "gaslight effect" often appears not intentionally, but unconsciously.
What are the ways parents emotionally manipulate their children?
1. Over-controlling: interfering with all aspects of children's lives
As a parent, it is commanded that the child must obey instructions and be completely subordinate to any arrangement of the parents. Even tell the child: "There are all bad people out there, all trying to harm you, only parents are really good for you." ”
I will remind you only for your own good! This path is not for you!
"If I say no, you won't, you have to listen to me!"
Even if you're grown up and away from your parents, they still have control over you, dictating your work life across the screen, directing where you live, how often you get married, and where you work.
2. Bossy type: use the authority of parents to blame children at will
How? I'll let you eat and drink, and say what's wrong with you two?
Still talking back? It's really hard wings and can't be managed!
3. Comparative type: Always compare other excellent children with you, but you can't say how good the conditions are.
You look at the results of so-and-so, you look at yourself
Look at how good the children of the XX family are, you also have to fight for a long face!
The sons of the XX family next door have all been admitted to the civil service, you look at the people, and then look at you? What kind of job are you looking for?
4. Suppression of negative type: habitually suppressing children
Denying children's own feelings, cognitions and judgments leads to children being extremely dependent on their parents, believing that they "do everything wrong" and completely following their parents' arrangements.
Why are you so stupid / cowardly!
Are you a pig, how many times have I said it, why don't you understand?
5. Weak type: stimulate the child's sense of guilt and use the grace of nurturing to moral kidnapping.
Why don't you obey, why don't you understand my painstaking efforts?
How can you go to college so far away that you don't want mom and dad anymore?
6. Destructive type: I am not comfortable, you don't think about it
Some parents are mentally unhealthy and always treat their children with a destructive attitude when interacting with them. They take their complaints about life and hatred of other people out on their children.
Someone shared: I never dare to be too happy at home, let alone bring friends to play at home. Because my parents' life is not going well, when I am happy, they will be even more unhappy, and they must find fault or embarrass me.
This kind of angry and slanderous words and deeds conveys the view that "I am not comfortable, you don't think about it".
7. Threatening masochism: Depriving your child of love or other important things or threatening you through self-harm.
I won't want you if I cry again!
You don't listen to me, make me angry!
Are you trying to force me to death?
If you dare to be with XXX, I will break ties with you.
If you're going to work that far, you don't want to take a penny from your family's house deposit.
They will warn you that if you do not come according to his request, he will be sad and sad and even abuse himself.
For example, when many parents do not agree to the marriage of their children, they will be depressed, or even skip meals or water, and put themselves in the hospital until you are willing to compromise.
They will take advantage of weakness and demand that others take full responsibility for their emotions and feelings. If you upset him, you have to coax him. He is also responsible for rescuing him from the abyss of helplessness and protecting his fragile heart.
8. Selling misery: Pathetic people are good at making others feel guilty and guilty by constantly giving.
They might say:
I can't bear to eat, I can't bear to wear, it's all for you!
If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your dad a long time ago.
I pulled you up with a handful of and a handful of urine, that's how you repaid me?
You don't study well, are you worthy of me and your dad working hard every day!
How many children are in a growing environment that has always been denied and never encouraged, often these children will have similar feelings:
1. Feel that your needs are always not recognized.
A netizen said: When I put forward some needs, such as buying learning materials and learning tools, my parents will always say that it is not easy to make money and cry poor. So going to college for a few years is a loan, no matter what the reason is to ask your parents for money, it always ends in the way that your parents cry poverty.
My parents' attitude always made me feel that my family was too poor to open the pot, until I stumbled upon my parents' pay slip.
2. Live carefully.
Many children live guilt and powerlessness under the emotional manipulation of their parents, they lack a sense of security, live carefully, and always look at the face of their parents.
A netizen shared that every time she had to take money from her parents, although it was tuition, her parents would still scold her and make her fearful. Over time, she did not dare to mention her needs, and even if she was really urgent, she would not tell her parents until the last minute.
3. Feeling bound and wanting to run away from the family.
In such families, children often feel very suffocated. The days when parents are going out are the most relaxed moments for children.
Many people say that one of the motivations for studying hard from childhood to adulthood was the desire to escape this breathless family.
4. Don't dare to be yourself.
This is evident in many children. Interest classes are chosen by parents, college majors are chosen by parents, even jobs must be in line with parents' wishes, and even finding objects must be found by parents.
Some people, although they want to struggle to be themselves, have a deep sense of powerlessness; And some people, because they have been living according to the trajectory set by their parents, have not known what they want or what to do over time.
The purpose of understanding the ways in which parents emotionally manipulate their children is not to accuse such parents, but to free themselves from negative relationship patterns with parents and restore self-confidence and strength.
So how do you get out of this manipulator game?
You have to understand that the gaslight effect is the result of the collusion of both parties in the relationship. No one can control you without your consent.
1. Understand the nature of gaslight manipulation
Gas lamp manipulation is ultimately an act of emotional bullying, where they say they love you while secretly sabotaging under the banner of "for your good".
It is no different from the essence of other bullying behaviors, and we should resist it resolutely, remember, resolutely, because one step back is equivalent to ten thousand steps back.
2. Keep independent thinking and do not blindly follow
Value yourself, value your rights, dare to refuse, reject the evaluation of others, reject other people's labels, reject other people's definitions.
Remember: we are all valuable and worthy of love, and we don't need to be defined by others.
3. Make your position clear
Everyone has the right and freedom to pursue themselves, and true feelings and choices should not be wrapped up and distorted by the outside world, and required to meet the requirements of the outside world.
Taking a stand clarifies your thoughts and beliefs, what is important to you, what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, what is negotiable, what is not negotiable, and so on.
When faced with doubts, have the courage to say: "That's just your opinion, I don't have to explain it to you, I don't need to prove anything to you."
For example, if your parents want to move in with you, you have three positions to state to:
I don't want you to live in my house.
I would like to let you stay for a limited, designated time.
I'm willing to let you stay as long as you want.
4. Learn to deal with your negative emotions
In the process of communicating with parents, we will inevitably have a lot of emotions.
You may be angry if your parents attack and belittle, you may feel guilty if your parents are sad and disappointed, and you may be sad and scared if your parents threaten and intimidate.
In the face of such a high concentration of emotions, first allow your emotions, do not suppress your feelings, and then express these emotions by keeping a diary, or confiding with close friends, or pounding pillows.
Be careful to try to avoid expressing too many negative emotions in communication with parents, which can turn into a century war.
5. Don't expect parents to change
Some parents may recognize their mistakes, but most parents will not admit them at all. And completely abandoning expectations of parents is separation.
Realize that your parents' expectations have nothing to do with you, admit your parents' limitations, admit your parents' one-sided intentions, and cannot define you.
Give them back their rights and give their own power to themselves.
None of us can change our origins and past, but we can decide how long we want to immerse ourselves in the pain of the past.
6. Find your "self-confident fulcrum"
Children who are often picked on by their parents at an early age have a hard time building their strong self-confidence.
Most children try to use excellent grades and well-behaved obedience to suppress the sequelae of emotional manipulation - low self-esteem.
Rebuilding self-confidence is not easy.
However, we must have something we are good at, some people have strong learning ability, and some people draw very well.
Amplify your strengths in a public place and you'll get a lot of praise to build a "fulcrum of confidence."
A fulcrum is enough to pry more of your strengths and make you have more self-confidence.
And when you can't completely escape the control of the manipulator, you can also actively seek the help of a psychological counselor.
The original family can make a child or destroy a child.
An adult, on the other hand, can choose to continue to sink or be reborn from the ashes.
May you, who have been manipulated by emotions, be reborn on your own and become a more mature version of yourself.
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