It is said that today's young people do not fall in love, as long as they are crushed.
What is CRUSH? It's a "heartbeat" without warning, a moment of romance, an adrenaline rush. It is beautiful and warm, easy to get on, but often short-lived and fruitless, and the top is fast and the head is fast, and it is difficult to last.
When you fall into a crush-like relationship, how do you judge whether the relationship is healthy?
After the brief excitement and excitement subside, how to judge whether the other party is worth the effort to operate?
Xiao Xia:
When I was with him, I didn't actually know what crush was, but when I met him at that time, my heart was pounding, and I finally experienced the feeling of "my heart is like a deer" as people say.
After looking at each other, we exchanged contact information, chatted frequently every day, met stitches on weekdays, and glued together on weekends.
I was really happy in those days, and I woke up every morning full of motivation, feeling like a happy little swallow, and I couldn't wait to fly to him immediately. The stimulating and exciting experience gave me a feeling that my ordinary life was lit up.
After sharing it with my girlfriend, she was happy for me and reminded me not to be carried away by feelings, and to be rational while enjoying it.
Later, I learned that there is now a term crush to describe the feeling of "falling in love", which is very similar to the experience we had when we first met.
Although the experience is very good now, as my best friend said, I should also learn to look at the relationship rationally, and from time to time I worry about whether our relationship will be long-lasting, and I am afraid that I will not get the desired result after spending time and energy.
Now people are always talking about the scariness of all kinds of narcissistic, borderline partners, and I am afraid that I will be confused by superficial phenomena and will not be able to see the real other person. A lot of anxiety weighed on my heart, how should I deal with this relationship?
Is the person in front of you a good person? Is this relationship a good relationship? I believe that this is a question that every couple who enters into love will think about.
Xiao Xia's concern is also understandable, does the current heartbeat and passion have its own "filter" at work, is the other party really as good as he sees?
These questions and worries seem to be difficult to find a standard answer to answer, but if they are not solved, they will pop up from time to time and affect themselves.
Moreover, what should the "good relationship" we often look forward to should be?
Twardowski, a scholar of intimate relationships, points out in the article "Healthy Relationships" that a healthy and high-quality intimate relationship has the following 10 characteristics:
1) It is clear to both parties that they are responsible for their own personal well-being
The attachment and real sense of connection brought about when establishing a deep relationship with people will certainly make us feel very happy, but the ultimate interpretation of happiness in life is still in our own hands, we can bring happiness to our partners, but we cannot be responsible for their personal happiness.
2) Respect the differences between the two, neither party is really trying to control the other or "repair" the other
The philosopher Badiou believed that true love is to affirm differences, and that loving two people means maintaining various independences.
There will indeed be small problems in the partner that we are not used to, and there may also be differences in concepts and lives between the two.
These small problems, the existence of differences, sometimes even become the fuse of the outbreak of conflict between the two of you, and sometimes you will lose confidence in each other; But it is these beings that show that your relationship is unique and real.
You love the real ta, not the perfect partner in your heart, respecting each individual's differences, and no one wants to be controlled and changed.
3) An equal relationship, whether it is power in the relationship or the right to decide about things, decisions made jointly by two people
Two people in a relationship should feel that they and each other are equal. There is equal power, and when making a decision between two people, neither person's will is important for the decision to have greater power over the other.
For example, when you chat with ta and share your troubles, the other party always rarely responds, but when they ask you for advice and help, you always have to reply to the other party in time, which is inequality.
4) Treat conflict in relationships as an opportunity to learn and grow, and deal with conflict head-on
It's not just the throbbing moments that make up a relationship, but quarrels and conflicts are also an important part of the relationship.
Arguing with our partners does cause us to have negative emotions such as loss and discomfort, but it is also through quarrels that we have the opportunity to express our disappointment and dissatisfaction, increase our understanding of each other's bottom line, and build a stronger and happier intimate relationship.
Instead of suppressing your true feelings by avoiding those conflicts and not talking about unhappy things, you can suppress your negative emotions in your heart and slowly digest them.
5) Be open and honest about your feelings
Being open and sincere about sharing our feelings allows us to have a "seen" experience in the relationship, to freely discuss any of our feelings, and to find and solve problems in the relationship in a timely manner.
And this can also avoid the day when all the pent-up feelings explode and become a major conflict.
6) Can be self-care, self-care
We can be moderately dependent on each other and willing to ask each other for help, which can lead to deeper intimacy.
But intimacy doesn't mean that you need each other to take care of yourself together, or that all your time is devoted to taking care of each other. Everyone can take care of themselves and take the time to take care of their own needs so that the relationship does not lead to mutual blame and entanglement.
7) Consider your partner in future planning and decisions, and put your relationship before your own
Both sides of the relationship are willing to put the relationship between the two people in a higher priority and higher position than themselves.
No one will consider the other when making a decision; Regarding the future and life arrangements, I also think about two people as a group.
8) Both sides can understand and accept that there will be some conceptual differences
Everyone's growth environment, growth experience is different, there will naturally be some conceptual differences, after understanding and acceptance, one will use the way of two people, two people's perspective to experience, to see the world.
The other person's vision will expand to yours, the other person's knowledge will expand into your knowledge, and you will see a more diverse world.
9) In their conflict resolution process, both people really value the relationship and are loyal to each other
In a healthy relationship, conflict does not lead to the breakdown of the relationship, because each other is willing to work hard to resolve it, rather than choosing to avoid and run away.
Because we value this relationship, even if we feel painful, we are willing to honestly express our feelings and thoughts, reflect on our actions, respect each other's feelings, and jointly find solutions to conflicts.
10) Not being together for security, two people simply building relationships because they want to be with each other
Many times, we want to get security from different relationships, the security that comes with financial freedom, the security that comes with being in control of our sovereignty, etc.
And in a healthy relationship, security is not the most important goal, and constant attachment and genuine emotional connection make us just want to be with each other.
A healthy relationship makes us feel safe, respected, happy, and prosperous.
If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, suggest that you make some changes.
You can talk to the other person first, saying how you feel and expect. If the other party cherishes the relationship, they will also be willing to work with you to manage your relationship, and the two will take care of the little animal of love together.
In addition, our confusion and fear of intimate relationships are often related to our own past experiences, aware of ourselves, timely choose psychological counseling to explore our hearts, see the real needs of our hearts behind the fears, and also help our own growth and establish healthy intimacy with our partners.
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