01
The first time I met Tingting was during a group counseling.
In the group of eight, I noticed some strange reactions from Tingting, and she deliberately hid some real inner feelings during the activity.
When I asked members, "What is the one thing you most want your parents to say to you?" When she hesitated, she hesitated for a long time and said a sentence that stunned everyone:
"I know it's a big deal, but I really want my parents to seriously say sorry to me."
After the group assistant, Tingting took the initiative to make an appointment for my psychological counseling, she said that she didn't know what the reason was, she only knew that she felt very uncomfortable in her heart, and felt that her sky was very gray and lifeless, and she didn't know how to be good.
Psychological counseling
The childhood of a girl in the flower season
19-year-old Tingting's face is always depressed, and her eyes are blank and empty. In the process of counseling, I slowly understood the mental journey of the girl in front of me.
Tingting is the eldest daughter in the family and has a younger brother. In Tingting's impression, since she was three years old, her father has not had a stable job, and likes to gamble, and her mother is more industrious and is the breadwinner of the family.
Tingting described herself as growing up with her father's neglect, unreasonable scolding, and her mother's complaints about her father.
She said that the most common is the scene of parents arguing and fighting, and parents never take into account the feelings of their children when they quarrel and fight, and she had many thoughts of running away from home when she was a child.
Her father is more distant from her, and she lacks trust in her father, who always likes to preach children, but she thinks that her father is a failed person and is not qualified to reason with her, so she always refutes her father or turns a deaf ear, often ending up being beaten and scolded by her father.
Her mother has always cared for Tingting, she feels that her mother is great, hardworking but cowardly, pessimistic, inferior, often denies herself, is full of all kinds of complaints about her father, and at the same time feels that her life is not good, marrying a useless man.
She often complained to Tingting that "men are unreliable, men are not a good thing, don't look for a man like your father when looking for a man in the future" and so on.
Sometimes when there is a conflict with Tingting, my mother will say, "Your temperament is just like your father, so annoying, I worked hard to raise you for nothing."
This made her very sad.
02
Adolescent counseling
Various confusions of "problem girls"
Now in her freshman year, Tingting has problems with relationships, family relationships, body and self-awareness.
From the second year of high school to the present, Tingting has had countless boyfriends, so many that she can't remember exactly, and once dated three boyfriends at the same time, and the ways of dating include online dating and long-distance relationships.
As a student, her boyfriends are all social workers, and the relationship time can not last. She feels that her boyfriend doesn't seem to be serious about her, it seems that it's just to get her body, and once she gets it, she no longer cherishes it, and she doesn't understand her value.
She described that many times she felt very lowly and knew that she should not be like this, but she was always uncontrollable, and her friends around her continued to persuade at first, and then gave up helping her one by one.
At first, she felt that she was very harmonious with her boyfriend, and it seemed that this was the most suitable person, but slowly with the deepening of the relationship, various dissatisfaction, disgust, and scolding began to appear, and she always felt that the other party did not care about her as much as before, and felt that the other party was abandoning herself.
Sometimes she feels that she loves her boyfriend very much, but sometimes she suddenly hesitates, looks down on her boyfriend, thinks that he has no ability, no performance, and even has a feeling of disgust, and is unwilling to disclose her relationship with her boyfriend.
In the family, Tingting's relationship with her father has always been relatively stiff, and conflicts will arise from time to time, she looks down on her father very much in her heart, but sometimes when her mother scolds her father, she always feels a little uncomfortable in her heart.
In addition, she often loses her temper with her mother, feeling that her mother is annoying, verbose, and does not understand herself.
But every time I lose my temper with my mother, I feel very sorry and guilty in my heart. Physically, Tingting had long-term insomnia, always falling asleep at one or two o'clock in the morning, which affected her study and life the next day.
In addition, she was troubled and feared by a gynecological disease caused by her lack of self-protection.
Tingting feels that she is introverted and not good at communicating with people, and her friends around her criticize her because her love life is more chaotic, so Tingting feels that there is no one around her to talk to. I often blame myself for being inferior, not self-loving, dissatisfied with myself, feeling so lonely and helpless, unable to come out for many years, and even sometimes feeling that my life is like this, life is meaningless, and I have had suicidal thoughts.
03
Family counseling
Cognition and awakening of emotional black holes
After a period of consultation and companionship, Tingting slowly realized that the root of her problems had a lot to do with her original family.
Tingting's distrust, contempt, disgust and other emotions towards her boyfriend are real and strong, but she herself can't tell which of her boyfriend's behaviors make her feel this way.
It turned out that Tingting was told since childhood that her father was useless, lazy, and unreliable person, and the negative father image took root in the young Tingting's heart, and subconsciously she decided that men were unreliable, so after the development of emotions has not been able to have a correct attitude.
In addition, Tingting's feelings for her mother are contradictory, love and hate are entangled, she can't do without her mother, but at the same time she has hatred for her mother.
Emotions told her that she had hatred for her mother in her heart, but reason told her that this was a big contrarian thing, her mother was so good to her and loved her so much, how could she hate her mother.
This ambivalence is also reflected in her interactions with her mother.
04
Parent-child relationship counseling
Emotional repair and spiritual growth
A big part of Tingting's problems are actually problems with her relationship with her parents.
Help her learn to express her true feelings about her parents in counseling and not suppress her anger. Vent it in a reasonable way that does not destroy the relationship, because this is a real feeling, to face and digest, not to suppress and avoid and deny your true feelings.
When you have a bad mood, you must first be aware of and admit that you have such an emotion, try to understand it and comfort it, rather than denying it and suppressing it.
After calming down, look for the reason from your own heart and understand where your feelings come from, instead of dwelling on the right and wrong of things and the good or bad of others.
Her relationship with her mother is an entangled relationship of love and hate, because her ego has not yet completed the psychological separation from her mother. Mother's cowardice, pessimism, and low self-esteem are the personality traits of mother; Mom's various complaints about marriage are Mom's life, Mom's world.
Tingting can give advice, comfort and care, but not to participate, to change, not to bear or share.
Three months later, Tingting's state has changed a lot, she said:
"I've been doing well lately! Go to class, eat, take a walk on time, and then stay in the library, work and rest more regularly, sometimes arrange an itinerary for yourself, where to go, and feel that life is a lot fuller.
There will be emotions, but it seems to be much better, even if there are emotions, it is 'come and go in a hurry', and it has not been entangled for so long.
I also know a lot more about myself, and I can almost accept my past, good and bad. Friends, new, old, all well connected. At first, I was afraid to contact, and after facing it sincerely, I found that we could communicate well, although there was something to hide, but we still had a lot to talk about, even if it was a little distance, but when it was really contacted, we could go with the flow.
Mom sometimes calls to complain about my dad, I won't be bothered anymore, remind myself to protect my world, distinguish the boundary between myself and my parents, comfort her, and I won't be sad and entangled in their affairs anymore. ”
"Teacher, after this period of counseling, I seem to have grown up, and I used to think that I was a very small and weak child. Now I know that I am neither the little girl in my heart, I am a new me, the little girl in my heart will occasionally appear, and I need time to get along with her and appease her. But now I really want to love myself. ”
I told Tingting that she was already on the road of growth, she was already loving herself, she would get better and better, take her time, step by step towards happiness.
Guangzhou adolescent psychological counseling insights
Life is not about pursuing spotless and flawless, but doing your best, and then going with the flow, and gladly accepting all of yourself, which is true love for yourself.