The answer to love and not to love is actually really obvious.
I agree with a quote made by Shakyamuni: "The reason why people suffer is that they pursue the wrong things." ”
If the direction of running is wrong, even if you put in more effort, it is difficult to have results in the end, life is like this, love is also like this.
Just like in the relationship, some people think that they have met the true love of a lifetime, but they do not know when the other party has planned to leave; some people think that they and the other party can grow old, and they do not know that the other party has already thought of a farewell speech.
Not all love can be satisfactory, and because of this, in the end, the love that a person gets will appear precious, so to love a person, it is always necessary to judge whether the other party is worthy of their own love.
The first criterion of whether it is worth loving is whether that person loves himself deeply when he loves the other person deeply.
After all, in the relationship, only when two people go in both directions, love is more likely to be satisfactory.
From a psychological point of view, it is enough to know whether you are the person who cares most about the other person - to see if he is willing to change for your sake.
"The law of unworthiness": If you don't feel worthy, you won't change
There is a hot comment in the comments section of "The Third Person": "When a person leaves you, don't ask why, all the reasons you can think of are right." ”
It's true that if a person really wants to go, it doesn't matter if they're struggling with reasons, because the other person will have countless excuses to give answers, but the final answer is only one – that person feels you're not worth it.
Just as there is a law in psychology called the "law of unworthiness", Baidu Encyclopedia explains it as:
"If a person is engaged in something that he thinks is not worth doing, he will often maintain a cynical and perfunctory attitude."
If a person really feels that the person in front of them is not worth it, this feeling is dispensable for them, even if the other person pays more, they will not feel happy, and when they finally leave, there will naturally not be too much psychological pressure.
In feelings, how much a person cares about another person can also be observed through this law, because when they don't care so much, most of them will feel that their feelings are not worth investing in, and it is naturally difficult to change.
Just like a reader friend once asked me: My boyfriend always likes to chat with female colleagues, and he has said it many times, but what if he doesn't change?
In the process of describing, this reader found a lot of excuses for her boyfriend.
She said that the boyfriend's personality itself is sociable, so she can understand it, but she can't accept it; she said that the boyfriend and they don't talk about anything, that is, they talk occasionally, so it's not excessive.
But these reasons are not so much excuses for the boyfriend, but rather to comfort themselves and find a way out for themselves.
In feelings, people are good at deceiving themselves, and when another person has no way to change for their own sake, they will comfort themselves that the other person's personality is caused, and they will comfort themselves that no matter who it is, there will be friction.
It's just that when one person doesn't change for the sake of another person, the answer is often that he feels that the person isn't worth it.
Because it is not worth it, it will not care so much, it will not care whether the other party is really unhappy, and it will not consider whether it is really necessary to change.
The "projection effect": People who really care about you will love you the way you want
In the feelings, some girls will like the "domineering president" type of love, it seems that the other party gives themselves love, even if it is strong, is an expression of deep love.
But psychologically speaking, strong love is often a manifestation of not having so much love.
Just like the "projection effect" in psychology, Baidu Encyclopedia's explanation of the "projection effect" is:
"Refers to the tendency to attribute one's own characteristics to others. When people perceive and form impressions of others, they think that others also have similar characteristics to themselves, and project their feelings, wills, and characteristics onto others and impose them on others, that is, the cognitive disorders of pushing themselves and others. ”
Everyone will subconsciously use their own ideas to define another person, and will subconsciously think that they like it, and the other party will also like it.
However, only when one person really loves another person, will they put down their own views and consider the views of the other party, and this change is an expression of love and a manifestation of real care.
For example, in the relationship, when some boys like a girl, even if they are rejected by the other party, they will confess in public, the position is huge, and there are many people who help, which always makes people think that it is a marriage proposal scene.
But is the love they give to girls really sincere?
Often not, because such behavior will only make girls more annoyed, after all, girls have already rejected them, and the subsequent behavior is just their own arrangement.
And the boys who really love a girl in love, after being rejected by the girl, may still not give up, which is their insistence on love, but they will not disturb the girl's life, and it is impossible to directly confess.
I remember Han Han once said: "Liking is wanton, and love is restraint." ”
To like a person is to love the other person in the way you want to use, because it is only like, the feelings are not deep, and there are not many concerns.
But to really care and really love is to love each other in the way the other party wants, because if you really care, you are worried that your behavior will increase the annoyance of the other party.
Therefore, it is often the person who knows how to change, who knows how to love in the way that the other person wants, who really cares about the other person.
There is a saying in "Insight in The Alone": "Very few people really love others, people just want to get love by giving a little love, that is a kind of fishing." ”
In feelings, there are often such people.
Pay a little, you want to see the return, in love always think that you have done what you should do, the other party should be satisfied, two people should go on.
But people who really fall in love will have a lot of concerns, they will worry that the other party will leave them, they will worry that their performance is still not good enough, and they will worry that their love will make the other party feel bored.
Therefore, the active change for the people in front of them is the most obvious manifestation of their concern.
And in the relationship, whether you are the person who cares the most, see if he is willing to change for you, it is enough, some people only love themselves, some people are just completing the task, but the people who are willing to change are using their own behavior to show their love.