Author: Vivian (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
Evolutionary Mother: Parents are the mirrors of children, and children are the shadows of parents. Parents who are accustomed to violent communication naturally do not have happy children.
The other day, I brushed up on a very memorable video.
In the video, adults quarrel in front of their children, louder and louder, more and more intense.
The child next to him covered his ears in fright and squatted down.
Afterwards, the child told his mother that he could see his grandmother being beaten when he slept in the past few days.
In the comment area, many netizens have said that the quarrel between parents when they were young was a shadow for themselves for a lifetime.
How many parents, when in conflict, only vent their emotions for a moment of pleasure, but completely ignore whether their words and deeds will bring harm to their children?
Every family that is in a dispute has a child with a lot of holes
A Thai animated short film, "Quarreling Parents", is a good portrayal of the child's psychological activity when parents argue.
The whole animation is only four minutes long, and at the beginning of the film, a mother is reading a bedtime story to the little girl, and she hears the sound of the door opening downstairs and knows that it is the child's father who has returned and hurried downstairs.
Then the girl heard the quarrel of her parents, and she was afraid to go downstairs and find her father beating her mother.
Suddenly, father and mother turned into monsters in the girl's eyes, wrestling with each other and pounced on the girl, who screamed and ran away, but was helplessly locked in the house by the door.
At the end of the story, the girl looks at her appearance in the mirror and finds herself turned into a monster.
In a child's world, parental quarrels and violence are a nightmare horror film that prevents you from pressing the pause button.
In such an atmosphere, the child's psychology is also distorted, full of despair and fear.
A 12-year-old boy in Nanjing, standing alone on a small platform on the roof of a 34-story building, wants to jump off the building.
Shockingly, this is not the first time he has taken his own life.
The boy's parents often quarrel at home, sometimes they will move, the child witnesses the "crime scene" again and again, despair slowly erodes his heart, and he has even given up the courage to survive.
American writer Carson. McCuller once said:
"Children's young minds are very delicate organs, and cold beginnings can distort their minds into strange shapes."
Every big quarrel between parents, like a cold blade, brings devastating damage to the child's young mind.
The way parents resolve conflicts affects a child's life
Jing Tian confessed in "The Great Sister" that when she was a child, her parents often quarreled over small things and even moved, and she often hid in her room and was too scared to go out.
Such a relationship has caused great harm to her growth, and has also affected her own view of love and mate selection.
And when her host asked her, do you still believe in love, she fell silent and did not answer positively.
There is such a question on the knowledge: parents quarrel, how much impact does it have on the child's life?
One netizen shared:
"Since I can remember, my parents have often quarreled, and both of them are very stubborn personalities who refuse to accept defeat. Every quarrel affected me so much that now, I still have severe marital phobia, phobia, and disorders of interacting with the new opposite sex. ”
Cummings, a psychologist at the University of Notre Dame, and colleagues have published hundreds of papers on parental conflict and violent communication in more than 20 years of research.
Cummings believes that children pay close attention to their parents' emotions, and they want to understand and confirm how safe they are in the family. When a parent has a destructive conflict, collateral damage to the child can last a lifetime.
Destructive conflicts include:
Verbal attacks: verbal abuse, insults, threats;
Physical attacks: beatings, shoving, throwing things;
Cold War: Avoid contact, separation, running away from home, sulking.
As Cummings said, children never really get used to the family pressures that parental conflict brings to them, and the resulting inferiority, anxiety, depression, self-denial, and fear and avoidance of conflict will accompany the child for the rest of their lives, and they will not be cured for the rest of their lives.
As a parent, we must remember the "four to two don't"
Every family has a difficult scripture to read, and it is inevitable that there will be stumbling in life. No one can completely avoid contradictions.
The point is how parents communicate and resolve, which has an important impact on children's feelings and cognition.
Constructive conflict refers to being able to maintain a restrained mood during a quarrel, to confess one's position and to understand each other, to make concessions and compromises with each other.
This is not only conducive to the exchange of information and the release of emotions, but also to resolve potential contradictions, but also to reshape the intimate relationship between the two sides.
Compared to hysteria in destructive conflicts, yelling, or completely swallowing and avoiding talking, such communication methods are obviously more effective with half the effort.
For example, try to maintain emotional stability.
Verbal insults and abuse and any form of violence (such as slamming doors, smashing things, hitting people) are very harmful to the other party.
Chen Songling said in an interview that if you quarrel with your husband, you must wait until the two sides are calm before communicating.
If you can't control your own violent behavior, then try to keep yourself at a certain distance from the other party, give yourself a calm time and space, and wait until you can control your behavior and emotions before communicating.
For example, think differently.
Empathy is to carefully consider what the other party needs and put yourself in their shoes.
In the variety show "Parents Preschool", Liu Xuan and her husband Wang Tao have a lot of disputes and contradictions because of the arrival of their children, each with their own dissatisfaction and grievances.
The two discussed occasionally swapping roles, so as to better understand each other's difficulties.
Wang Tao said that she would do more housework and take more care of the baby, and Liu Xuan said that she would pay more attention to her husband's feelings and needs.
Through empathetic thinking and mutual understanding, the intimate relationship between the two parties has been re-established, and whether the intimate relationship is stable is the key to determining whether the marriage is lasting.
For example, to be a matter of fact.
Zhong Liti has experienced two failed marriages, and she shared the lessons of her failed marriage on Lu Yu's appointment, stressing that the most important lesson learned in marriage is to discuss things and not turn over old accounts when quarrelling.
In the quarrel, only discuss the immediate matter, do not use the topic to play or take the opportunity to attack the family and growth environment of both sides, this will only make the contradictions worse.
For example, tell your child that it's not their fault.
It's easy for children to automatically attribute themselves in parental quarrels large and small, thereby blaming themselves and creating feelings of guilt.
Remember the little boy in "The Boy Says", he even felt that if he did everything well, his parents would not quarrel.
We should tell the child at the first time: it is not your fault, and Mom and Dad will love you as before.
For example, don't whitewash the peace.
Some parents know that there are many disadvantages of quarrels, so they choose to pretend that nothing happens. But this apparent separation did not solve the problem or repair their relationship.
I know the previous discussion: which is worse, the seemingly divorced parents and the divorced parents?
Many netizens pointed out to the point that they can fully detect the indifference, exhaustion and alienation behind the false love of their parents.
Don't pretend that nothing is happening in front of your child, and when you realize that your parents are wrong but don't know exactly what's going on, your child will be even more upset.
There are contradictions, you can honestly tell your child that mom and dad have disagreements, which is very normal, no two people can be consistent in all things.
For example, don't force your child to take sides.
Huang Yi's ex-husband Huang Yiqing once whitewashed himself in order to reverse the direction of public opinion, inducing his daughter to take a video and post it online to condemn her mother's badness.
In fact, the daughter is still young, can not judge the parents in the end who is right and who is wrong, she is caught in this war left and right, and want to please the father, but also do not want to hurt the mother, the heart is tormented.
Parents quarrel, do not force children to evaluate who is right and who is wrong on both parents, let alone induce them to express their position.
Parents are the mirrors of children, and children are the shadows of parents.
Parents who are accustomed to violent communication naturally do not have happy children.
Parents who know how to communicate effectively, even if they quarrel, can protect their children's feelings.
Dong Qing once said that what kind of person you want your child to become, it is very simple that you will be what kind of person you want to be.
If you want to make your child better, then first you have to make yourself better.
The best family education is for parents to be the best version of themselves.
May every family be able to get through every difficult situation with understanding, patience, listening and love.
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