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The so-called psychological control refers to suppressing the other party and mentally kidnapping them through contrast and brainwashing, so that they can willingly accept this spiritual bullying.
Psychological control does not only exist in the field of gender relations, but also occurs widely in the workplace, campus, family and other more common occasions that are not easily detected by the parties themselves.
According to a survey study by American statistician Neiman, more than 80% of people are easily controlled by psychology and the increase in academic level is directly proportional to the relationship, which may be different from our cognition in daily life. But why, often people with high academic qualifications, are more likely to be psychologically controlled?
Under the traditional model of test-taking education in the mainland, the important criterion for defining a good student is whether to listen to teachers and parents, and our schools and society require an excellent student to guard against arrogance and impatience, to be humble and humble, even after being unfairly criticized.
We are taught that being able to control emotions is the manifestation of maturity, and finding the reason for problems from ourselves is the correct attitude, and the cruelty of society lies in this, and these children who are sensible in the world's eyes are the most likely to be psychologically controlled when entering intimate relationships.
According to psychologist Li Songwei's point of view, refusing to be psychologically controlled is a primitive instinct that exists in the hearts of each of us, and does not need to be taught, and expressing anger when criticized and insulted is itself a self-protection mechanism.
But sadly, under the cultivation model of mainland authority education, our ability to protect ourselves is gradually being erased. The more successful a person is in the secular sense, the more rigid and stubborn his thinking tends to be.
Because he already has a certain insight in his field or has formed his own set of systems, it is very difficult to break through the shackles of the original thinking, and as he grows older, he will feel more and more helpless.
For many people who have personally experienced psychological control, through the author's observation, I found that they have some common characteristics, they are often unwilling to argue and conflict with each other because of their inner kindness and softness, and they choose to avoid and endure because they are afraid of hurting each other's feelings.
And people with high academic qualifications, the platform they are on determines that the people they interact with and know also have certain abilities and levels, because the relationship between the two parties is a friend, couple or superior, so the person who is psychologically controlled tends to trust each other more, thus giving others the opportunity to exert psychological control over themselves.
In the chat talk show variety show "Round Table Pie", Professor Xu Zidong once put forward a point of view, he said: "I will tell my students about my curriculum norms, and I will also tell them what content to learn in order to get a high score." But I won't tell them that only what I say is right, don't be superstitious about any authority, and if your answer is different from mine, but reasonable, I'll be very happy. ”
In our traditional cultural concept, respecting the teacher is the most basic quality of a student, the role of the teacher as an educator, and establishing authority is a normal thing, and under the shadow of this authority, we have no right to say no.
In Fei Xiaotong's "Native China", he once said, "The basis of Western culture is the difference between men and women, while the basis of Eastern culture is the order of respect and inferiority."
I believe that many of us have a deep understanding of this in life, if we are deprived of the right to say no after adulthood, it is equivalent to canceling our qualifications as an independent individual to make decisions for ourselves, so it can be seen that when we should say no, when we should be angry, it has become a character trait that many people do not have.
In the ideas we are indoctrinated from an early age, authority cannot be challenged, and authority is sometimes not established because someone has outstanding achievements or rich knowledge in a completely new field, but only because of the order of longevity and childhood.
In the current process of daily interaction between people, we have become socialized and at the same time become blunt, and we only dare to remain silent in the face of criticism and even humiliation from others. The Taiwanese writer Long Yingtai, known as the contemporary Lu Xun, once criticized today's university education: "Students also lack the ability to think independently, dare not question teachers, dare not question professors, and will only tearfully ask for help from others when they encounter problems."
In some small cleverness, such as cheating on exams, giving gifts to teachers for bursaries and scholarships, but learning the head is the Tao. ”
In the famous psychologist Wu Zhihong's "Become a Better Self" course, he once stressed: "We must maintain our own most basic animalistic desires, for personal attacks, we must properly vent our emotions, refuse to brainwash ourselves, and bravely speak for ourselves." ”
The author once saw a comment from a netizen under a topic discussing the importance of double rest, and deeply believed that -- "Of course, double rest is important, and the struggle we are doing for double rest is to make future generations enjoy this welfare through the efforts of generation after generation." These two things are actually the same in essence. ”
In the field of psychology, the "social transaction theory" has been proposed, and its main idea is that the parties will get involved in and maintain exchange relations with others in the expectation of returns.
The theory is limited to examining behaviors that are rewarded from others and processes and relationships known as "transactions" and "exchanges", with bilateral, interactive, reciprocal. Simply put, it is the exchange of benefits, and it is important for us to refuse to be mentally controlled in life is to see our own value and understand that all reciprocal relationships are based on value exchange.
If we keep persuading ourselves to accept unfair treatment, we are actually helping others to exercise psychological control over ourselves, which will only encourage those unfair behaviors to continue to happen to us and those who come after us, and we will become the next ones.
If we have a strong spiritual world and a firm heart, if we dare to oppose the psychological control of life and the workplace, if we can respect our reasonable demands and be strong and be ourselves, then it is just around the corner to stop these psychological control phenomena that permeate almost all fields.
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Author | Tommy
Edit | Howe wanted to drink milk
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Pappas, S. (2010, October 10). Even Grown-Ups Need Security Blankets. LiveScience.