Sister Bao| these common ways to encourage children, do you know how harmful it is?

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Prologue: I used to spend 3,000 yuan/2 hours to see a psychologist every week to solve this imbalance. This feeling is very divisive, it will consume a lot of energy from a person...

Here are a few common ways to encourage children, do you know how harmful it is?

I. Radical Method:

This method was my mother's favorite method when I was a child, and it was to stimulate your competitive spirit by belittling you. In general, this method does more harm than good and will bring a lifetime of pain to the child.

Judging from the results, if the child wins, then he will raise his eyebrows and prove you wrong! Then your image in the child's mind is not just. Moreover, it may be rebellious, disobedient, and arrogant and arrogant from then on.

If the child loses, he will tacitly admit that he is indeed bad and his mother is right, so that it will evolve into a very low self-evaluation, lack of self-confidence, no opinion, and very inferiority!

If the child sometimes wins and sometimes loses, the child will switch back and forth between conceit and inferiority, and the result will be just as bad!

The state manifested is short-tempered, very stable, impatient, and incapable of communicating with people.

This is because the child's young heart is out of balance, and he does not know whether he is good or bad.

If the parents often use this method, the imbalance will last the child for a lifetime, and he will need to spend a lot of effort to correct it when he grows up.

For example, I once spent 3,000 yuan/2 hours to go to a very famous psychologist in Beijing to solve this imbalance, which is very divisive and consumes a lot of energy from a person.

So this method is very, very undesirable, which is why I put it in the first place.

Second, the material incentive method:

This is a method that many parents like to use, such as promising their child what score or ranking he will get, rewarding him with what he wants, pets, travel, game equipment...

In short, it's a bit like a game in the adult world, you get it when you're done, and you can't get it if you're not done.

Willing to gamble and lose, it seems fair, doesn't it?

So why is this method not good?

This is because:

1, the child does not have a mature thinking system and values, he is easy to equate learning with rewards, and ignore the great significance of learning itself. The two sides of the equal sign do not have a positive causal relationship, which is itself a foreshadowing of disaster.

The main thing is that these rewards will become more and more expensive as he grows up, and it is easy to lead the child into a negative cycle of material comparison.

We must let the child stay in the positive cycle, that is, the enhancement circuit of learning, help him feel the fun from learning, lead him to explore the curiosity of the unknown world with the help of knowledge, and thus gain a sense of achievement, which is his lifelong way to obtain energy, a steady stream of energy.

And the most important thing, the general child wants things that parents usually do not agree to buy, such as game equipment. I have never seen a child say that they want to buy an exercise book, and the parents say solemnly: "Then you enter the top ten this semester, and I will buy it for you next semester." "Huh?

This kind of thing itself is not beneficial to the child, she just made an "equivalent" exchange with you in a way that you approved, and successfully got it, and the adverse impact on the child was not reduced at all.

Once, Duo Hao said to me: "Mom, our class so-and-so did a good job in the exam this semester, and his father rewarded him with 2,000 yuan!" ”

I was reading the earnings report, looked up at him and said, "So what? ”

He said sarcastically, there is nothing! I'm just talking to you, I know learning is for myself. ）

“OK，good boy！"

In fact, from the Buddhist level, in the case that the child does not have a correct understanding of money, it is detrimental to the child's blessing to let him get too much money.

2, many parents can not keep the promise, will let this method fail, lose the trust of their children. Children want instant gratification.

In the child's heart, it is very important to talk about credit, he first pays 100% to believe in you unconditionally, and parents sometimes regard this promise as a white lie.

I had a friend's child, who was only in the third grade at the time, and grandma promised him to get him an Apple phone in the top five of the exams, and the child really tried to achieve it!

But the mother was afraid that buying would affect the study and not let her buy, and as a result, the child cried and even ran away from home, and the whole family was frightened. My mother asked me to go over and persuade (mainly to appease the child), when the child cried and said to me: "Auntie, they don't count what they talk, they lie to me... They lied to me! ”

alas! My heart was shattered by his crying...

Of course, in the end, it was the mother who compromised, and this matter was settled! Otherwise I really don't know what will happen?

So, these are all putting the cart before the horse.

As the child grows up, his independent three views will slowly form, and you cannot control him all the time. These battles of wit will escalate more and more, so there will be eighty-six thousand troubles, and once he finds out that you have been playing with him, he will use rebellion to get justice.

How much you let him down he will double your pain and disappointment! The child's emotional world is very pure. This is why once a child rebels, the energy will be so powerful and landslide- He has no distractions, of course he can make you miserable!

Therefore, the Tao gives birth to one, two, two, three, three, do not bring the child into all things, all material rewards, in essence, is a temptation to stimulate more desires, this temptation is the root of the eighty-six thousand troubles, which is to let the child feel a temporary sense of satisfaction and happiness in the material world, even indulgence!

So what should be done?

We are going to lead the child back to that One, that is the root, that is the Ben.

From the beginning of kindergarten, I let him know that learning is for himself, and only he can make decisions and take responsibility for his own life, and there is no one but him.

I was only by his side during his long journey, encouraging, supporting, comforting, and I stood shoulder to shoulder with him and would never give up on him!

The process of his hard work to achieve excellent results is in itself the greatest reward, and no other material reward is more meaningful and worth pursuing and exploring. (There will be no other rewards, no need to expect ~)

All his efforts are for himself, so whether he is five, ten, fifteen, twenty-five... Eighty years old... My argument has always stood, and he doesn't suddenly figure out the value, suddenly lose his way, or live in anger at being tricked and played.

The child is an independent and complete individual, not an appendage of us, he just came into this world through us, he has his own mission, he wants to complete, to experience.

A line of Zen masters said: "Every adult has a wounded child in his heart, and these are all because of the scolding, insults, and blows he received when he was a child... Not well dissolved with love and compassion..."

I hope that our children will be healthier and happier at heart than our generation.

Even if in the future, they "have learned a lot", they can still "pity the grass and trees". Such a heart is full and abundant!

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