2.3 The core of cultivating resilience is to improve psychological tolerance

Hello parents!

Welcome to the "Good Parents of China" series of courses.

The topic we are studying in this issue is "Resilience", and today we will start to study The third lecture, which is "The core of improving resilience is to improve psychological tolerance".

First, let's take a look at what psychological tolerance refers to. The so-called psychological tolerance is the ability to endure uncomfortable feelings. Just like a rubber band, some rubber bands are inherently more flexible, tough and stronger, and no matter how big the setback can not break it, and some rubber bands are indeed very fragile and stiff, slightly folded as if to be broken. Well, it seems that the flexibility of the rubber band is innate, inherent, and cannot be changed. But the good news is that's not the case, if you find that your child is inherently timid and vulnerable, or you want your child to become more resilient. As parents, there is so much we can do that can help our children with the changes.

So, next, let's take a look at how to help children improve their psychological tolerance and make their rubber bands tough and soft!

Let's start by listening to the story of one of my students. This girl is a very special case for me, because she was referred by our principal, and she has been working for so long that she has never been introduced to "business" by the principal. I asked about the reason with some trepidation, and later learned that this student was "famous" for repeatedly complaining about the school by mobilizing her parents, from the college leader to the school leader, almost every relevant leader had dealt with her complaints and tearful complaints.

The reason for the student's complaint was that she felt the school's exams were too difficult, and although she had spent almost all of her time studying, she still had two subjects hanging out, which led to her imminent risk of being dropped out of her senior year. I listened to her story, on the one hand, I felt a little cruel, but on the other hand, I also knew that rules are rules, and not passing the exam and getting out of the game seems to be the price that everyone has to bear.

Later, I spent half a year doing psychological counseling work with this classmate, and I also got to know her better. Let's tell you the end of the story, unfortunately, this student did not graduate successfully, but this is not the part of my biggest worry, what I am most worried about is that until the end of the consultation because of her graduation, she still has a firm view, that is, without a college diploma, my life will be ruined. We've spent half a year fighting this notion of hers, and our work has gone in and out. Sometimes she will suddenly figure it out, thinking that she has not graduated and has some other skills, such as programming, fluent English level; but sometimes, she will fall into the vortex of self-blame again, thinking that it is unimaginable not to get a diploma, and she cannot accept such a result under any circumstances.

"If you can't get your college diploma, your life will be ruined", I want to know how much the listeners and friends agree with it. Speaking of my student, the reality is that she just didn't get a diploma, so how much she believes in this concept, how dangerous her future life is. It's not hard to understand: the more you follow the path of a so-called "successful person," the more likely you are to encounter blows, confusion, psychological crises, and low self-worth in real, variable life situations.

What we need to do, then, is to teach children to become soft and flexible, improve tolerance, just like plasticine, and adjust themselves at any time to shape themselves into a shape that is more in tune with their surroundings, which can also be said to be internal self-adaptation.

So how? The most important thing is to accompany the child to face the real and uncomfortable feelings. Let's disassemble this trick first, the real and uncomfortable feeling is that when the child enters a new situation, the situation may be an unfamiliar environment, it may be a feeling of failure that he has never experienced in the past, and it may also include psychological resistance to change. When children encounter the above situations, what should we do as parents? All we need to do is be accompanied.

The first thing that needs to be done is a deep understanding. So why is it a deep understanding, or is there a shallow understanding? Let me give you an example, for example, when your child is facing the beginning of the primary school, the first day of school, he is a little excited and a little uneasy, I don't know what will happen to the new classmates? Like the new school environment? As a result, at the end of the day, sure enough, for adapting to the new environment, ta with some frustration and tired feelings, when you see the child showing a low mood, I believe that parents and friends will definitely comfort the child and express their understanding of the child. But if your understanding is only verbal: Mom understands you, or Dad understands you. This is actually very good, after all, it can say the word "understanding", rather than teaching children to have more contact with children, to be proactive, to be positive.

I think some parents may also be muttering in their hearts, is it not right to educate their children so much at this time? I'm afraid it won't work, but I'll come back later. Now let's talk about it, even if we have achieved the understanding of children, it is still the "shallow understanding" I mentioned earlier. Because please think about it, do you really understand the child's discomfort in the new environment, or is this just the same reaction as a parent, the same reflex? I would say that if your child also receives your "shallow" signal when you only express your understanding superficially, then the so-called understanding is greatly reduced.

So, what is deep understanding, and what should be done with deep understanding? Quite simply, please take a minute before you want to respond to the child, you can close your eyes, use your strong imagination, imagine if you are a teenager, to a full of unfamiliar environment, the people around you do not seem to be so friendly, please intuitively feel whether your body has any reaction, you will not feel a little stiff shoulders, or breathing is a little irritable, or the head is a little tight, what your emotions are, will you feel nervous, sad, Feeling lonely or simply feeling uncomfortable. At this time, you go back to the situation that the child just told you, and then observe your understanding of the child's situation, how it is different. Do this step, congratulations, and you'll be closer to the child. I believe that in addition to the phrase "I understand you", you will naturally have more curiosity and concern for what happened to him in the new environment, what he feels, and how he feels, so that you can truly achieve a "deep understanding" of the child.

Okay, now let's go back to the question that remains: Why can't we teach children to be optimistic and strong and face difficulties? This is because when we say the so-called "correct truth", we stand in the position of adults, standing in the position of "I know more than you", "I only know how to do it", and the child can only hide the negative emotional reactions brought about by his frustration, as if covering the wound without dealing with it, the wound will only be inflamed and ulcerated, and cannot be healed.

Improving psychological tolerance, this seemingly simplest move, like the mental method of the martial arts secret book, is the soul of all moves. If you want your child to become optimistic and adaptable, we must stay with your child and his uncomfortable feelings, and you must know that the companionship of parents at this moment is very important for children.

The above is today's content, let's briefly summarize it:

There is no universal law of adaptability, nor is there a universal method and path to success, and the core way is to accompany the child to face the truth together, thereby improving psychological tolerance.

In the next lecture, I will share with you the content of "two major strategies to improve children's resilience", thank you for listening, we will see you next!

Growth Mind Map

What is at the heart of resilience?

How to improve your child's psychological tolerance?

How to achieve a deep understanding of children?

Knowledge chart card

Psychological tolerance: the ability of individuals to bear and regulate the psychological pressure and negative emotions caused by adversity, mainly the adaptability, tolerance, endurance and victory of adversity. A certain psychological endurance is an important part of an individual's good psychological quality

Practice deliberately

What should be done with a deep understanding?

Please take a minute before you want to respond to the child, you can close your eyes, use your strong imagination, imagine if you are a teenager, to a full of unfamiliar environment, the people around you do not seem to be so friendly, please intuitively feel whether your body has any reaction, you will not feel a little hard shoulders, or breathing is a little irritable, or the head is a little tight, what your emotions are, will you feel nervous, sad, Feeling lonely or simply feeling uncomfortable. At this time, you go back to the situation that the child just told you, and then observe whether your understanding of the child's situation is different. If you can understand the child's situation even one more layer, congratulations, you will be closer to the child, I believe that you will definitely be in addition to the sentence "I understand you", will be in the new environment of what is happening, what is his feelings, how the ta's mood, will naturally have more curiosity and care, so that you really achieve a "deep understanding" of the child.

Resource recommendations

Book: Resilience: The Winning Formula in Uncertain Times by Max McKeown

China Good Parents Public Welfare Growth Plan was officially launched

1.7 Interpersonal Management | Develop children's interpersonal skills

1.8 Interpersonal Management | Teach children to deal with interpersonal conflicts

2.1 Why is "resilience" so important?

2.2 Develop children's resilience, starting with psychological flexibility