Interpret the trailer
From an "authoritarian class society" to a "democratic society in which everyone is equal," modern society is undergoing profound changes, and democracy is not only a political ideology, but also means a change in lifestyle and child-rearing methods.
How to respect children and give children equal freedom while allowing children to respect rules, take responsibility, and win cooperation is the basic topic of modern education and the eternal challenge that modern parents have to face.
——This impressive print on the inscription page is the core concept of Drex's creation of "Children: Challenges", a masterpiece of family education.
Parents often ask, "How do you get along with your children?" ”
As a father or mother, you may have long forgotten what you were thinking when you were naughty, willful, pouting, throwing tantrums, deliberately "opposing" your parents, and fighting with your brothers and sisters.
And the children standing in front of you today, the way they express their mood and emotions, is exactly the same as you were back then.
Every generation grows up in this situation – the parties are too ignorant, and the people who come over are too forgetful. We are searching, reminiscing, and thinking in this eternal cycle.
It's time for a step by step with a time shuttle to take us back to our distant childhoods.
Only if you understand, you will understand.
I dedicate this book to modern parents with a lifelong learning attitude.
The approach recommended in Children: Challenges is based on the philosophy of life and the view of human life by the famous psychologist Alfred Adler.
Based on this, Drex advocates in the book: neither recommend parents to condone children, nor do they recommend parents to severely punish children, parents should learn how to become children's collaborators, have a way to understand them, have the ability to guide them, do not let them become "wild children" that no one cares about, nor let them feel depressed and suffocated at home.
When every parent faces their children, what they have to win is not a challenge, but love and respect, and each other's growth in company!
"Children: Challenge" can not only take you step by step to reflect on your parenting style, but also help you understand your own individual emotions and behaviors with scientific psychological knowledge!
Zhen Ying, the translator of "Children: Challenge", once said:
"This is the book that enlightened me, and I understood one thing that made me ecstatic:
Every challenge for children is an unparalleled opportunity - as long as I find the right way to respect each other, the process of resolution again and again is to help children cultivate self-discipline, self-esteem and self-confidence step by step! ”
We have moved away from a society of dictatorship, where everyone has a sense of equality, where we cannot control and command others. Equality means that everyone has the right to make decisions for themselves.
Rewarding children, like punishing children, does more harm than good to their outlook on life, and both behaviors lack respect.
Power struggle
All the conflicts between parents and children are defined by Drex as a noun called "power struggle."
When parents discipline their children and have power struggles with their children, most of the time it is because the children are in trouble and disobedient. But parents do not know that the child may be because he is still young and incompetent, and he is not deliberately trying to make trouble.
At this time, if you want to avoid power struggles, first of all, parents must learn to separate people and things, and learn to encourage their children.
Children need encouragement, and the time when they need encouragement the most is not when they achieve results, but when they fail when they have the courage and effort to try in one thing.
The authors say that children living in this society need to learn to respect the rules.
He must understand that order and rules are part of freedom, and that if you do not keep order, the freedom of others will be affected.
The secret is: know what firmness is and make the most of firmness.
There is a difference between firmness and toughness. Toughness is when we impose our will on our children and we order them to do what they do; being tough means doing what we should do and carrying it out to the end.
In addition to respecting the rules, children must also respect others.
Respect is mutual, and to let your child know that if you want your rights to be respected, you must respect the rights of others as well. In many things, adults do not have to be humble to their children, in an equal relationship, everyone has the same rights.
This is the third way to avoid and resolve power struggles. Teach children to respect the rights of others.
In this way, we teach our children to respect the rights of others – if you don't like others to hit you, don't hit others. All people are equal, and children must respect adults.
Only when people respect each other and everyone obeys the rules will we create a harmonious atmosphere for doing things together. The first three methods we just talked about pave the way for the fourth.
The fourth way to avoid power struggles is to win cooperation.
In other words, when children learn skills or overcome difficulties, they should use the "parents and children cooperation" method, rather than "adults give instructions, children passively execute" method.
First, the child's ability and skills are insufficient, and it needs to be "correctly encouraged", people and things are evaluated separately, it doesn't matter if things are not done well, courage and effort must be affirmed.
Second, after the ability is improved, the child must know the boundaries of behavior. The child violates the rules, and parents should implement the rules to the end with a firm attitude, but they cannot force the child to accept the rules with a tough attitude.
Third, in addition to the rules to be respected, the rights of others must also be respected. Parents should respect the rights of the child, but the parents are not the servants of the child, the child must respect the parents and all the people around them, which is a two-way equality of rights.
The last method, parents should let their children understand that cooperation is the team's need for themselves. Cooperation is not about compromise and obedience, but about working harmoniously with everyone towards a common goal.
Really get to know the child
From birth, children observe everything in life, draw their own conclusions from observations, and find their own direction of behavior according to this.
The root of all children's behavior is to find a sense of belonging, and everything they do is to find and acquire self-positioning.
Children are experts in observation, and from childhood, children must learn how to adapt themselves to and cope with the internal and external environment.
The inner environment is the nature of children, and every child will be different.
In the external environment, there are three major blocks that affect the child's personality development:
The first is the family environment, subtly giving children values, etc.;
The second is the family sign, that is, the family status, each family sign will be different because of each person's understanding of different, childhood understanding and decision back to leave a lifelong impression.
The third is to train children.
However, when children explain and understand the observed things, they are prone to errors, and then they will find their own positioning and sense of value through these wrong understandings, at which time there will be deviations and develop in the direction we do not want.
Parents must first understand this, do not think of their children as a blank piece of paper that is thoughtless and can be manipulated at will.
Parents need to understand the motivation behind their children, can not let it go, and must guide their children.
From infancy, children begin a journey of discovering their own personal values.
Once they have found a way to find personal value, no matter how many times they are blamed or punished, they will not give up.
As long as their method achieves their purpose, they will continue to insist on it and will not weaken or disappear because their parents are unhappy. With these methods, children get the attention or rights they want.
Children are not aware of the mental motivations and purposes described above, and often most parents do not understand that this is a way for children to try to find a sense of value and belonging.
If the child's behavior breaks the rules and does not cooperate, then he is using the wrong way to achieve his goals.
The unthinking impulsive response of adults will reinforce these wrong methods and purposes of children.
If we give our children the right attention with our hearts, we can help them find positive, constructive ways to find their own values and sense of belonging.
What parents should do
Establish a relationship of equal cooperation
Respect yourself, respect your child, be consistent, be consistent in your words and deeds, your child will feel clear, stable and safe, and the child will know what to do.
Stimulate independence and avoid fear in children
The authors say we need to give attention to children, but we also need to know the difference between proper attention and excessive attention.
If we find that children have no valid reasons, but let us keep busy with them, we can be sure that the children need excessive attention from adults.
At this point we have to tell ourselves that our response should serve this purpose:
That is to let the child understand that he himself is capable, and that he does not need help before he has to.
Firm, not tough
Toughness is when we impose our will on our children, and we order them to do what they do. Firmness is to do what you should do.
Encourage children
Encouragement is the most important part of educating children, and the root cause of bad behavior may be the lack of encouragement. From infancy, human beings need to find their own position through a sense of accomplishment.
Children need freedom and space to test and improve their ability to cope with dangerous situations.
Take advantage of natural results
Children need to learn to respect the laws of nature, to understand that order and rules are part of freedom, and to learn from practice and experience, which are not the effects that language can achieve, but must rely on practical behavior.
Avoid over-focusing
Avoid disputes and conflicts
The power struggle between parents and children is increasing at an alarming rate. When we look at the motivation of the child, we will find that in most cases the child attracts the attention of the parent in this way, or wants to win the power struggle.
At this time, it is basically futile to correct it in a preachy and reasoned way. Whenever we command or force our children to do something, it leads to a power struggle.
It is necessary for us to guide and influence children to develop appropriate words and deeds, but in an effective way.
Distinguish between compassion and pity
When a child suffers, be compassionate, but not merciful.
Freedom must be accompanied by rules, and without rules, there can be no freedom.
The author says:
"The commonality of all children in the family is the embodiment of the family atmosphere created by their parents."
Write at the end
"Life, only the moment of the moment. If we do the right thing in the moment, we are moving in the direction of progress. ”
Nowadays, there is an emphasis on giving children freedom, but what is true freedom?
We tend to have too many misinterpretations of "freedom."
"In order for everyone to have and enjoy freedom, we need rules, and rules create limitations and liabilities" "Freedom contains responsibility" "We can only have freedom if we obey the rules"
When you read this book, you may find that some of the problems are very reasonable, and at the same time, you may find that you have made similar mistakes as your parents in the book. If we don't find our own mistakes, we can't learn and improve.
A little improvement every day, added together, will greatly increase the joy of life.
I hope that you will have time to read this book as well, and you will definitely benefit a lot.
I hope to learn and grow with my children and face more challenges together
Click "Watching" and encourage the parents.