Obviously said that it was good to eat snacks after eating, and as a result, the baby said that she was full after eating half of it, and shouted that she wanted to eat snacks;
Obviously set the rule of "toys to collect by themselves", the result is that the baby does not clean up every time, and lai lets the parents help
Obviously said that he would watch fifteen minutes of TV, and as a result, he refused to turn off episode after episode, saying that he had not watched enough;
......
Has your family encountered a similar situation? Obviously, he told the child the rules, but the child went his own way and did not take the rules seriously. In desperation, you can only punish or threaten your child, such as "If you don't turn off the TV now, you won't show it tomorrow"; for example, if you don't turn off the TV again, I will be angry", and so on.
But in this way, it is caught in endless quarrels, children cry bitterly, and adults are helpless and angry. Why is it so hard to get your child to follow the rules? How exactly can we get them to actively follow the rules? Nut mother's article today, let's talk about it specifically.
Children mischievously ignore the rules,
Why are rules so hard to establish?
1. Preschool children cannot see problems from their own perspective
If you look closely, you will find that these children who do not pay attention to the rules do not feel that they are breaking the rules. Selman's "Theory of Role Selection" points out that children under the age of 6 do not realize that other people's views will be different from their own.
In Selman's "Honey" dilemma experiment, when children under the age of 6 are asked, "Honey was asked by her father not to climb a tree, but now needs to save the cat, should Honey go to the cat?" "When their choice is: save the cat! Because Honey herself likes cats, she thinks that her father naturally likes cats too.
For preschoolers, when ideas conflict with existing rules, they think their choice is everyone's choice.
It's like saying "don't jump on the couch", but the child still has to jump on the couch. This is not the child playing tricks, but they feel that "as long as they don't fall, they can jump", they recognize it, and parents should also recognize it.
Of course, this way of looking at problems from the perspective of the self will slowly change as the child grows up and the social communication deepens.
2, you feel that you do not follow the rules, but the child has not yet recognized the rules
Returning to the rules of society, in fact, many times we are willing to follow the rules because knowing the rules can facilitate us. Like when we drive on the road, we obey traffic laws, but also because we know that once everyone drives at will, the traffic will only become more chaotic.
But children do not have as deep social experience as adults, and they cannot predict whether the rules are helpful to them through their own experience.
The famous developmental psychologist Eriksen believes that people go through 8 stages of challenge in their lives, each of which is characterized by conflict resolution and crisis resolution. And these experiences of conflict and crisis resolution lead us to develop the ultimate sense of self[2].
For children, both the original rules and social norms mean crisis, and they cannot understand the meaning of the rules in the first place, so they will recognize and understand the rules through various challenges.
It's like a child suddenly has to wear his shoes backwards, no matter how you explain it, the child just wants to wear it that way. And this is actually the child learning how to accept other people's views and rules.
When he wears the opposite shoe to school, the social eye and the discomfort on his feet will guide him to think about whether his mother's opinion is right. This process is the process by which the child resolves conflicts and crises, and in the process he learns how to accept the opinions and rules of others.
Therefore, it is not so much that the child's rules are difficult to establish, but that the child is just unable to understand and understand what the rules mean to him. When children truly recognize the meaning of rules, they will naturally no longer challenge and break away from the rules.
Two pitfalls that establish a sense of regularity
Not only are parents struggling, but they may also harm their children
Myth 1: Cultivating a sense of rules is to set up a lot of rules for children and regulate his behavior
No, more rules will only make parent-child conflicts more, children more anxious, parents more tired
We have a natural idea of rules that children's behavior needs rules to guide them. The more rules there are, the less likely it is for children to make mistakes.
But in fact, the opposite is true. The more rules are established, the more difficult it is for preschoolers to digest and understand, and the multiplicity of rules bind not children, but parents.
For example, the problem of children eating snacks, in order to avoid affecting meals and tooth decay. Some parents usually make very detailed rules, such as when, how many, what kind of snacks their children eat, etc., to reduce entanglement with their children.
These rules were thought to be fixed so that they no longer need to be discussed, but the child did not think so. They often ask for a change of rules because of the slightest change in circumstances.
Like "I didn't snack at noon today, I have to make up more snacks in the evening" and so on, they will explore the boundaries of the rules all the time, hoping to eat more or more opportunities to eat snacks.
In the end, it becomes that the child knows that there are rules, but still keeps trying, and parents have to keep insisting on the rules and convincing the children in order to ensure the consistency of the rules. Under such a stalemate, nature slowly hides many fuses of parent-child conflicts.
Therefore, for the rules, we should be important things to make rules, and general things reserve space for children to play freely. This can not only reduce the friction between parents and children, but also give children the opportunity to understand the meaning of the rules.
Myth 2: If you don't follow the rules, you will set a punishment for your child and bear the responsibility for your behavior
No, punishment does not make children understand the consequences, but it is easy to stimulate confrontational emotions
In the entanglement with the rules of the child, does it really work to punish the child? Although sometimes it is possible to make the child submit, more often, it is to make the child's emotions out of control, and it does not really regulate the child's behavior.
We often inadvertently confuse the consequences of punishment with "non-compliance," thinking that setting up a barrier allows a child to get the consequences of behavior. For example, queuing up to get on the bus and not queuing up, queuing up to get on the bus faster than not queuing, this natural consequence will make everyone naturally queue.
But if you tell someone that you're not in line, your fare will double. Then it is estimated that your focus is not whether queuing is beneficial to yourself, but why you want to double the ticket price, and the threat of this punishment diverts your attention.
The same is true for the child, when he understands that the observance of the rules in daily life is beneficial to himself, then there is no need to artificially set punishment, and the child will spontaneously obey.
Like my child, I can go into the kitchen to help, but I will make it clear to him before entering the kitchen. Tell him the reason why you can't keep her helping in the kitchen if you don't comply. This prior explanation will give the child a chance to understand the meaning of the rules.
After understanding the meaning of the rules, when the consequences occur, the child will not feel that it is a punishment. Because she knew that the consequences of not following the rules only came up, not that I was deliberately embarrassing her.
Therefore, we do not need to set artificial punishments for children, we just need to inspire children to recognize these consequences. Then he will naturally think about his own behavior, and eventually internalize these rules and follow them spontaneously.
Stay away from "naughty ghosts"
This helps children build a sense of rules more effectively
Although preschoolers do not yet understand the rules as efficiently as adults. But as parents, we can help our children understand the rules of daily life and avoid too many parent-child conflicts:
1. Do not teach, guide children to participate in the formulation of rules
In the face of children's failure to follow the rules, result-oriented preaching is often perceived as an accusation and a threat in front of the child. To get them to accept this rule, the first thing they need is to participate in it.
For example, my child needs to wash his nose for rhinitis, but no matter how reasonable and rules are set, every time the child does not wash it, the family is very unhappy.
Later, his father asked the child, "Then when do you think you should wash your nose and tell me your opinion." In this process, the child is slowly guided to find the right rules for his own satisfaction. Although I still drag my feet when I wash my nose occasionally, I can still wash it with my hands when it comes to the rules he has formulated.
So in the face of children's non-compliance with the rules, except for those that really involve the safety bottom line, other rules are better to let the child make a fuss for a while, let him see the consequences of non-compliance, and guide him to discover and tell his own views.
Give him the opportunity to make rules, let him really immerse himself in the rules, feel the meaning of the rules to him, so that he will be spontaneously willing to follow the rules.
2. Get along with your peers and learn the rules from the game
If you observe the children getting along with each other, you will find that the cooperation and games between children are actually full of rules. For example, when playing a wooden man, the child who initiates the game needs to explain the rules of the game to other children, and the children who participate in the game need to listen carefully and observe the rules in order to be able to play together.
If you are worried about your child's sense of rules, it is better to let him play with other children, and in the collaborative game, he will slowly learn to listen to the rules and establish his own sense of rules.
3. Parents play an exemplary role and regulate children's behavior
Children's learning of behavior begins with their parents. Preschoolers are like sponges, unconditionally absorbing parents' behavioral attitudes.
Therefore, when we want our children to follow a certain rule, we should first follow it ourselves, so that the child will absorb this behavior unconsciously, and it will not be so difficult when you ask the child to comply.
4. Invite children to become the "supervisors" of the rules
As mentioned earlier, children's behavior and rules are learned from their parents.
Then inviting children to be the supervisors of family rules can better let children learn and recognize the rules.
For example, if you tell your child, "Go to bed at 9:30 p.m." So most of the time, the child will procrastinate. But if you say, "Every night at 9:30 you supervise your mother to go to bed," then the child will actively pull her mother to bed.
Because at this time the child will feel that he is not a passive follower, but an active participant. This rule is for everyone.
In short, if you want your child to take the initiative to follow the rules, the first thing you need is to let the children feel that the rules help him. It is not that the child lacks the patience to follow the rules, but does not understand what the rules mean to him.
Only by peeling off the cloak of limitation can the value of the rule be reflected in front of the child, so that he can spontaneously obey and listen.
The "How to Destroy a Child's Xxx" series of articles is a parent-child column launched by the Fruit Shell Children's Academy, which aims to use reverse thinking to teach parenting knowledge to parents and readers. At present, the column also has sister articles such as "How to Destroy the Internal Drive of Children with Your Own Hands", "How to Destroy Your Child's Sense of Security with Your Own Hands", and "How to Destroy Your Child's Imagination with Your Own Hands".