Many parents may know the importance of establishing rules, and even tried to establish rules, but what is distressing is that the rules we make, children are not willing to abide by, and even appear that the rules are clearly agreed with the child, the child is still violating the phenomenon, the rules are useless.
Image from "Don't Underestimate Me"
Which link is the problem? Let's talk to you today, what are the reasons that hinder the footsteps of children who become good children on the way to obeying the rules?
From your child's point of view, there are three main reasons for not following the rules:
1. Preschool children are in the stage of self-centered morality and cannot see problems from the perspective of the self
The so-called self-centered morality refers to the fact that when 2-5-year-old children accept the moral code of the outside world, they disregard the specific provisions of the rules, implement the rules according to their own imagination, cannot distinguish themselves from the environment of others, often add what they think to adults or their peers, or confuse what adults say with what they think, and regard the external environment as an extension of themselves.
That is, when ideas conflict with existing rules, preschoolers now think that their choice is everyone's choice.
In this regard, Piaget once gave a very vivid example: two boys bought birthday gifts for their mothers, the 7-year-old brother chose a string of pearls, but the 3-year-old brother chose a toy car, and the younger brother carefully wrapped gifts for his mother, waiting for his mother's joy and praise.
This is not the younger brother "selfish", but the younger brother in the stage of self-centered morality, who cannot realize that his mother is different from his own interests, and he thinks that what he likes, his mother should also like.
2. The child's understanding of emotions and regular relationships is not yet complete
In the eyes of young children, happiness and happiness stem from the satisfaction of wishes, unhappiness is because what they want is not obtained, and the change in children's understanding of this relationship occurs between the ages of 4-7.
It is difficult for children under the age of 7 to realize that suppressing their desires in order to follow the rules can also experience happiness, and violating the rules to get what they want will make them feel bad.
The UC Davis research team conducted a series of studies on this issue. They found that 7-year-olds were more likely to associate compliance with positive emotions in moral situations than those aged 4 and 5.
In other words, as children get older, they will gradually realize that the quality of their emotions is not only related to whether they can get what they want, but also related to the observance of rules and the consequences of things.
If children are more directed to think about rules, the adverse consequences of breaking the rules, and the penalties they may face, more children aged 4 and 5 years can also associate compliance with positive feelings, and violations of rules with negative feelings.
In addition, older children often recognize that not all compromises are good, and that breaking the rules can be a good thing if requests from authorities such as parents and teachers lead to negative experiences or even undermine self-awareness or self-identity.
3. The child does not recognize the rules
The foothold of cultivating children's awareness of rules is to promote the internalization of rule awareness.
Piaget believed that "various rules constitute morality, and the essence of morality, or an important part of mature morality, is the understanding and knowledge of rules." ”
That is to say, the moral behavior of young children includes not only the external part of the performance, but also the internal part, and the child must not only make behaviors that conform to the rules in behavior, but also have the process of knowing and understanding in the heart.
But rules that are common and easy for us adults to understand are not easy for children, especially young babies. They don't know what the rules mean or what the consequences of breaking them will be, so they go through a variety of challenges to understand and approve of the rules.
Just like the child is cold and unwilling to wear thick clothes, no matter how you explain, the child just does not want to wear, but when he does not wear thick clothes to go out, the cold and cold caused by the body will guide him to think: whether the mother's advice is right.
Only when the child truly accepts a rule and forms a sense of the rule can he transform the external demands into the inner conscious demands. He understands the consequences of breaking the rules from the heart, the benefits of following the rules, emotionally agrees with the rules, and voluntarily acts of obeying the rules.
From the perspective of parents, there are the following reasons why children do not follow the rules:
1. Children easily compromise when they resist crying, and the rules change overnight
When many families implement the rules, it is easy to compromise because of the child's crying, pampering, and tantrums, so that the rules formulated often do not take long to be implemented, becoming a blank piece of paper.
This reminds me of Mayashu's approach in "Mama is Superman."
Once, the daughter Mia, who had a bad cold, wanted to eat ice cream, mayashu did not agree at first, Mia directly lay on the ground, crying and playing, helpless Mayashu, can only go to buy ice cream for the child.
In the wet market, the children just finished eating the cake and wanted to eat bread, Mayashu also refused at first, the children first cried and shouted, it did not work, and then changed to a child, "Mom, please." Mayashu immediately compromised and took out the bread.
Such dramas are often staged in their homes, and the children see the weakness of their mothers, as long as they cry and make trouble, their mothers will definitely give in. Even she herself said, "I should be a very compromising mom." ”
Mayashu knew what the rules were, but she compromised every time the child cried. In this way, children love to talk more and more about conditions, the rules have lost their effectiveness, the number of times, children will feel that as long as they make enough trouble, the rules can be broken, and they are more and more reluctant to comply.
Love and rules are like two sides of the same coin, it seems incompatible, after all, establishing rules means to say no to the child, but it should be known that love and rules are not in conflict, and principled love is more conducive to the growth of children.
2. Parents are exemplary role models of bad behavior
Rules should be common to all, and in the family, they should be followed by the whole family.
However, most parents have a common problem: they always see themselves as rule-makers rather than co-enforcers.
Like what:
Ask the child to go to bed early and get up early, but he stays up all night to play games;
Children are not allowed to play with mobile phones, but they hold their mobile phones to brush non-stop;
While telling the child that the red light stops the green light line, obey the traffic rules, but take the child to run the red light;
……
Children in the early childhood stage have a particularly strong ability to imitate, and they take their parents as a "mirror" to absorb good behaviors and bad behaviors. When the child finds that the parents do not follow the rules, he will also begin to despise the rules, and he will imitate the bad behavior habits of the parents, and the parents' words will lose their strength in the child's heart.
Therefore, the best way for children to follow the rules is for adults to have a sense of the rules, be clear about the rules, and follow the rules.
3. Rely on your own emotions to establish rules
Although some parents have established rules, they will change them at will when they are in a good mood, and when they are in a good mood, they will change the rules or establish new rules.
The rules are not consistent, and the process lacks continuity, which will only make the child confused, and before the child has developed a good habit, the rules have lost their binding force, how can the child follow the rules?
The above is the reason why the children who share with you today do not follow the rules, when the children and the children have formulated the rules but turn their heads and do not recognize, we may wish to be aware of the reasons behind the behavior, consciously learn and practice with the children to abide by the rules, internalize the rules, in order to help the children build a real sense of rules.