When you send a message to the other party and the other party does not reply in time, what is the first thought that comes to mind at this moment?
A couple came together to counsel about emotional issues, and the reason they quarreled was that the boy did not reply to the message in time yesterday. Although the boy explained that he was busy at work and did not read the information, the girl still insisted: "He should give me a message back in time." ”
Although the boy replied to the message after the busy, although the boy prepared breakfast for the girl in the morning, although the girl admitted that she had been very attentive to the boy before this, although they had made an appointment to go to dinner that night, it seemed that none of this mattered, and the girl thought, "The boy should reply to the message in time." If it is not timely, it is not put on her heart. ”
All in all, the boy's failure to reply to the message in time at that moment made the girl very mad.
We pursue things that feel good, and stay away from things that feel bad, and there is nothing wrong with that.
But when a particular event becomes a rule of "should be," "must have," "unconditionally fulfilled," etc., it creates a problem —"should" replaces one's overall experience of life.
For example, in the above case, when the girl did not get something that she "should" have, the girl experienced a sense of frustration of "losing control".
For this girl, "timely reply to the message" represents the intention and represents the stability of the emotion, and "not replying to the message in time" represents the neglect of symbolic emotional failure.
However, not everything in life can be carried out step by step, and the people around you will not interact with you every moment according to your wishes.
In fact, these "should" and "must" rules do not necessarily all come from themselves.
As we grow up in life, sometimes the environment often provides us with some beliefs and standards, and we may absorb them without thinking or digesting.
We passively swallow what the environment has to offer without spending more time figuring out what we want and need.
So what to do?
Think back to some of the situations or relationships that have bothered you.
Find a core "should" in your reaction/thought, such as "shouldn't happen", or "should happen", or "they shouldn't treat me this way", or "you must ______ ”
Then, in the face of this "should", ask yourself a question: "Is this true?" Take some time to think about the answer.
In this way, it is possible to find that some "should" or "should not" are narrow, and even if they happen, it does not mean anything and will not have an impact on your life.