In our traditional concept, it seems that basically when it comes to educating children, it is said more about what mothers should do, including saying that in some families, mothers are the main force in educating children, and fathers are less involved, and even in these years, there is a word called "widowed parenting".
Just like in the TV series "We All Have to Be Good", the heroine is looking for, for the sake of the child to be a full-time mother at home, the male protagonist is forward, the work is particularly busy, often busy to go home to get a change of clothes, and then left, he pays for the child, only to provide financial support, for other aspects of the child almost do not know, do not care.
There is such a bridge in the TV series. Because the forward often does not go home, the couple also rarely communicates, that can be imagined, the relationship will definitely have problems. What to do if there is a problem, go forward and let the driver buy a bouquet of lilies, give it to him to find, and also explain that the driver must buy a large bouquet.
But when she found the flowers, she just threw the flowers out, why? Because their children are allergic to lilies, but they have never known it, they still buy lilies at home again and again. It can be seen that forward is really not very concerned about the child's situation.
Situations like this kind of "widowed parenting" are also quite common in life, for example, some fathers come home from work, they have been playing with their mobile phones and watching TV, and rarely spend time playing with their children;
Or obviously the children are in the first year of junior high school, but the father still thinks that the child is in elementary school, and it is difficult to pick up the child from school once, and he ends up running to the wrong school, and so on.
Even now there is a new interpretation of the word "father's love is like a mountain", such as a mountain, that is, staying there like a mountain and doing nothing, just keeping the pestle and not moving.
In the traditional concept of some fathers, they think that raising children is a matter for mothers, male and female masters, fathers, earn money and go home. But is the role of dad in the growth of the child really just take the money home? Definitely not.
The degree of participation of the father, as well as the relationship between the father and the mother, has a great impact on the growth of the child's psychological level, last time we talked about the child and the mother will develop a symbiotic relationship between you and me, I have you, which is a binary relationship.
If the mother has always taken good care of the child, then the child will form a safe attachment relationship with the mother. So when the child has gone through the binary relationship, he will inevitably encounter a big setback, what is the setback? It was he who found that there was still a person in this world called Dad, and what was even more frightening was that my mom and my dad were actually still in the same group, and at this time, the child began to enter the meta relationship, that is, at least 3 people in the relationship.
Let's think about it, when the child finds out that his parents were originally a group, what kind of feeling is it? Children will feel: I am with my mother, she is the most powerful person in the world, and she loves me the most, and can give me everything I want.
But she actually has a relationship with another person, will she not want me? This is the child's subconscious feeling, he will be very afraid, afraid of being abandoned by his mother. So what will the child do at this time?
Generally speaking, the child's first reaction is to go all out to keep the mother, redouble the favor with the mother, and love the mother.
For example, some two- or three-year-old children will put their arms around their mother's neck every day and say: Mom, I like you. When you see Mom and Dad hugging, you have to separate them both, and when you sleep at night, you must also be sandwiched between Mom and Dad.
But there are also children who will be very angry with their mothers, and they will feel: You see, I imagined you so well, I love you so much, but you are actually with another person.
This is the basic reaction that children will have when they begin to enter a pluralistic relationship, especially when they begin to enter a family triangle relationship. Then these reactions are very normal, and this is what we often say in psychology: Oedipus period.
I will briefly explain why it is called Oedipus, which is actually borrowed from a Greek myth of a father who killed his mother. Some people may ask, isn't this a story of incest?
In fact, we use Oedipus as a metaphor for a child's inner struggle to exclude his father and then become one with his mother. This is a stage that children must go through in the process of growing up.
Then, I will tell you how to help your child through the Oedipus period. If it is summed up in a simple sentence, it is to let the child experience failure at this stage, so that he has no way to grab the mother, so that the child may embark on his own life.
Why? If you think about it, if the child successfully excludes the father and he grabs the mother, it means that he will remain in a binary relationship forever and there is no way to go forward.
Only when the child loses in this competition can he take back the part of the psychological energy that he once tried to please his mother, receive it to himself, and let himself continue to grow.
At this time, what parents have to do is to let the children know that our two children are together and will not be separated. Some people may ask, isn't this just showing affection in front of children?
Perhaps in our traditional concept, many parents feel that they cannot show affection in front of their children, and generally couples hug, hold hands and the like, and avoid children. But in fact, we can let our children know that mom and dad are in love with each other, and that the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family.
However, the point is here, parents also want to let their children know that he will not lose his father or mother, and that parents will love him together and will not exclude him.
In this case, it is possible for the child to withdraw the energy of pleasing his parents to himself to complete his own growth, and then after he grows up, to find the person he loves. This is how a child goes through the Oedipus period.
But in fact, in life, many children's Oedipus period is not smooth, for example, in widowed parenting families, some mothers and children's fathers do not have a good relationship, and they are eager for both of them not to talk much, so that mothers are prone to put all their love on their children, and may usually stay in the child's room, and only return to their rooms when they go to bed at night.
Naturally, she does not want her children to be emotionally independent; or some mothers themselves look down on the child's father, think that the father is not hygienic and self-motivated, and then she does not want the child to be too close to the father. In short, the mother thinks that she is especially good with the child.
In this way, the mother hinders the child's process of independence, because the child's psychological energy is still directed at the mother, and the mother's energy is also against the child, the two people are still symbiotic, and the child has no way to enter the stage of multiple relationships. So what kind of problems will occur when such a child grows up?
For example, Ma Bao Man, a boy has grown up and is married, but he still feels that he is the closest to his mother, and feels that his daughter-in-law and his father are outsiders. It was like encountering a daughter-in-law and a mother who fell into the river, who to save first, he must not hesitate to say that he would save his mother first. Usually, I always talk with: what my mother says; what will happen if my mother does it, and so on. In his heart, this home is his and his mother's two people.
Let me give you another example, in fact, there is no development of multiple relationships, not only will affect a person's love and marriage. For example, a girl, she has two girlfriends, and then one day she found out that the two girlfriends went out to play, did not call her, at this time she will feel very angry, there is a feeling of abandonment, she may even go to provoke the relationship between the two girlfriends.
For example, if a person is in the company, sees 2 colleagues chatting next to him, some talk and laugh, he will feel very unhappy in his heart, and he must find a way to insert himself among them to see what they are saying.
These are the legacies of a man who did not make it through Oedipus as a child, and they will recur in his relationships, with colleagues and friends, and even with his own children.
To sum up, during the Oedipus period, the child will want to exclude the father and continue to maintain a symbiotic relationship with the mother.
The right thing for parents to do is to let their children know that Mom and Dad are together and will not be separated, and that Mom and Dad will love him together.
In this way, the child can take back the psychological energy thrown to the parents and use it to develop themselves. If parents do not want their children to be emotionally independent out of some of their own problems, then children may not be able to develop the ability to deal with multiple relationships, and have been staying in the stage of binary relationships.