"I count to three, and if you don't eat, you'll be hungry!"
"How the toys are littered again, I count to three, pick them up for me!"
"How many times have you said it, how can you do it again?" I counted to three and apologized immediately! ”
Do you think it's familiar? Is it a conversation that often occurs in daily life with children?
Many parents have said this "I count to three" similar phrase, and more than once.
The older the child, the more he has his own opinion. You let him move, he doesn't move; you make him not move, he moves.
The most angry thing is that the child has made a mistake, you let him correct it, he is not willing. So you invented "counting to 3" to force the child to obey.
The child's submission at this time is due to fear, but this is definitely not the essence of education. Simply put, it is to treat the symptoms rather than the root causes.
Now let's see that when most parents use the "1, 2, 3" discipline tool, the following message can be conveyed in the language:
[1] The number 3 is my bottom line and the final deadline.
[2] You [must do what I ask you to do], and if you don't do what I ask you to do, I will punish you.
[3] In these 3 numbers of time, you [have to make a choice] whether to do what I say or accept punishment.
For children, when they hear these words, the message they receive may be like this:
[1] If I don't do what my mom says, I'll be punished, so I have to do what they say.
[2] If I don't want to be punished, I can only stop what I want to do.
[3] The tone of the father/mother is terrible, if I don't do it or stop, they will definitely hit me or scold me.
The problem, then, is that in the information received by the child, he can only feel that he will be punished if he does not do it.
But they will never understand why they should stop.
That is, they make "obedient" choices in order to keep themselves from being punished or to keep mom/dad from getting angry, but don't really understand why they're doing it.
Looking back, usually when we use this trick against the child, the child does not do anything out of line or dangerous.
It's just that parents feel that "disobedience is a headache" and want to end their children's headache behavior through a simple "command".
Counting to three, solving problems quickly, is one that seems to be the most appropriate and worry-free way to give and reward.
The first time a child hears "count to three", most of them do not realize what is going on, and "count to three" is followed by "punishment"
Therefore, when the child is punished and then hears it, he will think of the last experience, and in order to avoid being punished again, he chooses to compromise.
Therefore, when facing the parents' "counting to three", the baby hears not only simple numbers, but the emotions transmitted at the same time as the numbers - fear.
The child does not understand why he should stop behaving, but follows your advice or command out of instinctive fear.
01 Disadvantage 1: Can not let the child really understand the problem
It's like a child who doesn't eat, and although the penultimate let him finally eat it, it was only forced by the pressure of his mother.
I don't really feel like I need to eat it, and I'll keep going until I get the ultimatum to the "penultimate three" until I get the ultimatum.
02 Disadvantage two: do not give children the opportunity to express, communication is becoming more and more difficult
Parents don't ask their children why this is the case, and children don't have a chance to express themselves (and end up getting used to not expressing them).
There is no two-way communication, only one-way commands, and in the long run, parent-child communication will become more and more difficult.
03 Disadvantage three: losing the right to choose hinders the development of children's potential
Long-term use of the penultimate three for restraint and communication, orders and threats will make the child only "obey", giving up the right to choose in the process.
Make children more assertive, easily dependent on others, and poor self-control is not easy to regulate their emotions.
Gently coax him with positive reinforcement and encouragement, build up his own self-confidence, and develop the habit of immediate execution.
It's important that you discover what their power source is before then, and let them do it spontaneously. Much more useful than if you keep counting to three.
You can warn and make it clear that the consequences must be feasible, and the "threats" that cannot be done are all fictitious.
For example, discuss with your child before you take your child out to play.
"Mom still has to go home and make dinner, so we can only play for an hour this time."
"If you don't keep our agreement, the next time you go out to play, your mother will definitely cut back the time."
In addition, parents must understand what the reason behind their children's "disobedience" is.
When we look at it from the child's point of view, many problems may be easily solved.
In contrast, when we shout out 1, 2, 3, how does the child react?
In order to cooperate with adults, in order not to be scolded, they will forcibly change their rhythm.
They don't understand why they're doing this, but they can't slowly straighten out what they're doing at their own pace.
The way of threat will certainly reach the goal quickly, but the mental pressure on the child and the psychological threat to the child are no less than corporal punishment and verbal violence.
In this process, children will gradually lose their sense of dependence and security on their parents.
A gentle approach may not be effective immediately, but it is beneficial for the long-term development of the child's psychology.
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