Adolescent children are rebellious and difficult to manage? It may be that you did not find the key that opened the child's heart.
After understanding these 7 moods of adolescent children, I believe you will have new gains.
Author 丨 water color
The source | Mom Hug Group Original
What is the saddest aspect of raising children?
The answer: adolescence.
Psychological research data shows:
About half of the mental illnesses suffered by adults come from puberty;
Among adolescents aged 12-16, 20 per cent of girls and 10 per cent of boys have considered suicide.
Adolescence is a thunder buried in the road to growth, a little careless, a touch of explosion.
But at the same time, Professor Li Meijin also pointed out:
"Adolescence is a remedial period for deficiencies in early education."
Adolescent children, like a flower growing on the edge of a cliff, have both exuberant vitality and are full of unknown risks.
Whether you can survive the "dangerous period" depends on whether parents understand the seven voices of their children.
Please don't criticize me in front of your friends, because I care more about their opinions than your evaluations.
The Ming Dynasty scholar Lü Kun once proposed that children have "seven no responsibilities" for making mistakes, the first of which is "not responsible for the public".
An important feature of adolescent psychological development is that the source of children's identification with self-worth has slowly changed from the affirmation of parents and teachers to the identity of peers.
It can be said that the adolescent child grows up by relying on the evaluation of his peers, and he can only know "who he is" by relying on the people around him.
Children who are restless and sensitive and have strong self-esteem are likely to engage in extreme behavior that hurts themselves or others once they lose "face" in front of their peers.
Remember last year, the 14-year-old boy who jumped off a building after being slapped in public by his mother in the hallway of the school?
No one knows what kind of landslide he experienced in the 2 minutes of silence before jumping off the railing.
A comment at the bottom of the news speaks to the hearts of all children:
"Has this mother ever thought that when the child is randomly scolded by you, he has his friends, his classmates, and perhaps the girl he has had a crush on for a long time."
You break a child's self-esteem, or you are trampled by your mother. ”
Zheng Yuanjie once said: "If you want to destroy your own children, the first thing you should do is to destroy your children's self-esteem." ”
The face of the child is their "inside".
Maintaining children's self-esteem is the most important lesson that every parent of an adolescent child should learn.
Please don't talk to me in a commanding tone, because I care more about the attitude you speak than what you say.
Many parents have a deep understanding that communicating with adolescent children can only speak softly, not hard.
The more you command him and control him, the more he confronts you; the tougher you are, the more repulsive and rebellious he becomes.
Like a spring, the parents put as much pressure as the child bounces off the confrontation.
On the contrary, how much tenderness the parents give, how much kindness the child gives back.
In the TV series "Little Joy", high school student Fang Yifan's attitude towards his parents is completely different.
His mother Dong Wenjie is a "command-style education" for him, and he likes to drink everything, and he either pretends to be "deaf" or violates the yin and yang;
Papa Fang Yuan treated him as an adult, speaking with a gentle attitude, and he could not only listen to his ears, but also put them into his heart.
Different tones of speech, the effect of communication is also different.
Parents have what kind of tone, what kind of children they shape.
Use more respectful tones, children will know how to respect others;
Use more of a deliberative tone, and children will learn to communicate equally;
Use more trusting tones to make children confident and self-reliant;
With more encouraging tones, children will face challenges without fear;
With more appreciative tones, the child will always be born to the sun.
A good word is worth a thousand gold.
The way you speak to your child hides the path your child will take in the future.
Please don't compare me to other children, it will hurt my heart.
Almost every child's growth process is indispensable to a long-cherished enemy, that is, "other people's children".
An institution once conducted a questionnaire survey of more than 3,000 middle school students, and under "What kind of behavior do you hate most from your parents," more than half of the children answered:
"Always compare me to other people's children."
The original intention of parents may be to motivate their children, but in the eyes of children, it conveys:
"You suck", "I'm not happy with you".
Such denial is likely to cause adolescent children who are seeking and constructing self-worth to fall into the abyss of endless self-doubt and even self-abandonment.
There is a 13-year-old boy in Nanjing, because his father always compares himself with other people's children with good grades, and runs away from home in a negative mood.
When found by the police, the boy cried:
"Dad thinks I can't do that, and he often compares me with other people's children, and he doesn't like me."
Jobs once said:
"Many times, we feel that the child is rebellious and disobedient, perhaps just because he has grown up and has his own inner voice, hoping to get your approval." 」
The biggest pain of adolescent children is that their parents never recognize themselves.
The phrase "you look at someone else's children" is like a shackle that makes how many children are tied up for a lifetime.
Please treat me with the same respect as an adult.
Li Meijin said:
"When children enter puberty, we need to change all educational models and treat children with respect as if they were their colleagues."
Many adolescent children and their parents begin with disrespect.
Remember the Peking University talent Wang Meng, who wrote a ten-thousand-word complaint and blackmailed his parents for 6 years?
He was controlled by his parents since he was a child, even if he went to high school, making friends must be seen by his parents;
If you want to learn the Olympic Mathematics, your parents won't let me; if you want to study abroad, your parents refuse;
Even the color of their own clothes is determined by their parents...
Having parents who don't know how to respect them is a disaster for adolescent children.
Richard Taylop, author of The Minimalist Parental Rule, once mentioned in the book the story of his relationship with his adolescent son.
Once, he asked his son to go out with him, but his son was watching TV and refused to leave.
In this regard, he did not get angry, but asked the child very seriously why.
After learning that the show was his son's favorite, and that he had waited for two weeks, Thalep consulted with the child, put down the schedule, and went out together.
Telep said that the reason why things can be resolved smoothly is because the child feels his respect for him.
Treating children with the same respect as adults is the most powerful language for communicating with adolescent children.
Before you reject me, be patient and listen to my point of view
I once read a passage:
"A big reason for the tragedy of adolescent children is not that parents don't love enough, but that the way of communication is wrong.
They need to listen sincerely more than they do nagging preaching. ”
Psychologists believe that:
"'Listening' is a nonverbal message that is quite effective in making the other person feel truly accepted."
There is a question on Zhihu: When did you stop wanting to communicate with your parents?
Gaozan replied:
"When I share the funny things of the day with them with joy, and I am poured cold water again and again;
When all my ideas were just spoken, they completely rejected them;
When I scored 92 points in the first monthly Chinese exam in junior high school, they turned around and smashed the spatula on me...
Since then, I've learned to shut up. ”
Educator Pamela Drucker said:
"Even if there is something wrong with a child, it is the responsibility of parents to listen and understand their motivations."
Honest and uncritical listening is a prerequisite for effective communication with adolescent children.
Don't worry about preaching, try to keep your mouth shut;
Don't rush to deny it, learn to open your ears.
Parents are listening to a message to their children:
You allow me to express my feelings, you respect and accept all my emotions, you love me, I deserve to be loved.
Listening is the best gift parents can give to their adolescent children.
When I rebelled, I really just wanted to get your understanding
Some people say that there is bound to be a war between adolescent children and their parents - one side frequently provokes, the other side desperately suppresses.
The rebellion of adolescence is tantamount to the flood beast in the eyes of parents.
But in fact, many times, behind the child's rebellion, we can't imagine the fragility.
They are like a hedgehog, covered in spikes, and seem to be dancing with their teeth and claws, just to gain attention and understanding.
The more rebellious the child, the more eager for the warmth of the embrace.
Adolescent expert Josie Sip writes in Decoding Adolescence:
"In adolescence, the mutation of body and mind is like a violent storm.
Every child who seems rebellious and inaccessible needs strong support from their parents. ”
Josie, who grew up in an orphanage, was also too rebellious, and after being adopted many times, she was returned by the foster family many times.
Later, he met Rodney, an adoptive father who was as tolerant and accepting as ever no matter how he broke into trouble and how he was wrong.
After being arrested for drunk driving, his adoptive father said a word to him:
"You see yourself as a trouble, but we see you as an opportunity."
This sentence changed Josie's life.
The rebellion of adolescent children is a process of breaking the cocoon into a butterfly.
As a parent, what you have to do is not to suppress, but to let go of anxiety, accept him, understand him, and let him accumulate strength in his own way.
At the same time, we have to catch his temptations and attacks and convince him that no matter how bad he is, his parents love him.
Only when this is confirmed will the child come out of the "pain" of puberty and achieve real growth.
I'm actually not that hard to handle, patience and trust are enough.
Adolescent children are like a lock, patience and trust are the keys to unlocking.
South Korean principal Lee Yoo Nam, once a highly respected education expert, was regarded as an enemy by adolescent children.
In the eyes of her sons and daughters, she is not a gentle and loving mother, but a rough and domineering controller and monitor:
Her son wanted to dance the hip-hop, but she tried to stop it; her daughter liked comics, and she felt that she was "not doing the right thing."
Until her son suffered from social phobia, her daughter was depressed and self-harming, and both dropped out of school, she was painfully determined and made changes in reflection.
Learn to be patient and listen to your child's voice; learn to let go and trust your child's choices.
As a result, a miracle occurred:
Her daughter was admitted to the psychology department of an American university, becoming the only international student to get a full A, and her son was also admitted to the graduate school of philosophy, determined to become a writer.
Some people say that in fact, adolescence is the process of children striving to be themselves.
They seem eerie, grumpy and dangerous.
But in fact, they are not so difficult to communicate, as long as the parents give patience and confidence, accept him, accompany him, wait for him, adapt to him.
Children who are trusted by their parents are the most powerful, because with the support of love, no matter how much setbacks and storms they encounter, they will not be timid and withdrawn.
Being a parent of an adolescent child is difficult because a lot of times, our efforts seem to be in vain.
However, although we are not perfect, we can give our children complete love:
Respect and freedom, rules and bottom lines, tolerance and trust, praise and recognition.
As the Mai family said:
"Adolescence is a danger, it can go up to heaven or earth, it can be a knife or a flower.
We, as elders, have only one option to help him become a flower and smooth out the tough place; to help him through this phase of the most wobbly, time bomb. ”
Adolescence is a hurdle, and to step past is to grow.
Let's help our children together and transform together with them.
The moment when a child removes its sharp shell and re-reveals its softness is the most complete moment for us as parents.
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