Mother in a "three-child" family: Can I still have myself in addition to housework?

Jiang Xiaobin, a reporter of China Youth Daily and China Youth Network

"Three children" and "women" are all hot words at this year's two sessions. When these two hot words meet together, women in "three-child" families are a group worthy of attention. Having many children and falling into the ocean of housework, can her mother still have her own career and her own life?

Courtesy of Visual China

Women should believe that they are entitled, worthy, and can have their own lives

Zhang Zhaoan, a deputy to the National People's Congress and a researcher at the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences, brought the "Suggestions on Improving the Supporting System to Promote the Implementation of the "Three Children" Policy this year. It is mentioned that the main factors affecting the implementation of the "three-child" policy include changes in young people's concept of marriage and childbearing, a high proportion of dual-career families, fierce competition in the workplace, high child support costs, and high costs of living, including housing prices.

Zhang Zhaoan said frankly that due to the current infant and child care system is not perfect, many parents of children have difficulty balancing the relationship between family and work. In real social life, most women will be more or less affected by their careers after giving birth, and even have to start from scratch. Therefore, in view of the current employment situation and the reality of workplace competition, some women do not dare to risk having children again, and some families are discouraged from having two or three children.

Fang Chao, a full-time counselor at the Student Mental Health Education and Counseling Center of Peking University, who has long been committed to the study of families with many children, pointed out that women must first believe that they have the right, worthy and can have their own lives while raising multiple children. "Women's beliefs at the cognitive level are very important, equivalent to a role positioning, with a clear and unambiguous positioning, in order to continue to talk about the method."

There is also a view in society, "The previous generation of mothers gave birth to so many children, did not they also live well." Fang Chao pointed out that the previous generation is not really without this trouble, but they do not feel that the loss of self is a problem, "The family model of the previous generation or earlier is mostly male and female, and women dedicate themselves in the family and identify with this role." But today's women have a desire for self-development, and in reality, girls are not inferior to boys from school to work."

To be a better mother, the premise is to be a better self. Fang Chao feels that women don't want to be a "perfect mother", just be a "good enough" mother. "The 'perfect mom' is the need of the mother herself, not the need of the child. Children in multi-child families, in a more complex relationship, learn more to cooperate, compete more, and deal with their emotions. Moms can relax and believe in their child's potential. ”

Fang Chao's friend has 3 children, and once, she walked alone on the street with her children. Someone said, "Oh my God, isn't it dangerous for you to cross the street with 3 little children?"; the mother dismissively complained, "Do you think my child can't even cross the street?"

A family is sometimes like a company

Fang Chao said that the time and energy required to raise multiple children must be greater than that of only one child, some of which belong to "force majeure", but a family is sometimes like a company, which needs to be managed, and there is room for optimization in some links. Moreover, all family members are involved in the "project" of raising children.

In Fang Chao's home, there will be a family meeting every week, and all the staff will participate. The content of the meeting included what everyone had done in the past week, how they were feeling, what progress they had made, what difficulties they needed, whether they needed help, and they would also give each other advice, criticism and self-criticism...

The Internet Q&A community knows that there is a question, "What is the daily life of people with three children", it is not difficult to see that the questioner actually has a variety of "chicken flying dog jump" presets.

Under this question, the answer of the netizen Carrie seems unique: the housework is no longer meticulous, and the machine can be used to do the work of the machine; lunch, a child is changing the pattern every day, three children will come to a sandwich every day, what, one is not enough, then two; the refrigerator must be large, but also want to buy a freezer, always stuffed; a child no one noisy, will only pestering the mother, annoyed to death, three children every day noisy, the head hurts; but there are three babies can hold kisses, there are three babies said to me, Mom wishes you a good dream tonight, what a wonderful thing!

Netizen "Kelly Chicken" has three children, 2 years old, 3 years old, 5 and a half years old. She drew herself a schedule from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m., accurate to every half hour, with time management skills like a workplace manager. She said: "Parents of families with many children must have superb discipline skills, otherwise adults are tired and children are bitter. ”

There are complaints, methods, and more love in these answers. Fang Chao said: "Parents are like leaders, they can set family goals and let all family members work in one direction; they can ask questions, analyze problems, solve problems, and let children achieve self-management under management and constraint." ”

Dad's sense of responsibility and ability are particularly important

Raising children, the first three years especially involve a lot of time and energy, although there may be help from both sides of the elderly, but Fang Chao from a professional point of view, does not approve of "generational rearing". "The role and function of parents is irreplaceable from the previous generation. When there is disagreement, listen to your parents. ”

Having children is by no means a matter for women alone, it is the common choice and decision of both husband and wife, since they have chosen to have more children, they must find a way to face it together. At this time, the sense of responsibility and ability of the husband-father is particularly important.

Fang Chao pointed out that when gender roles and gender division of labor have greater flexibility, only when both husband and wife agree, the system and structure of the family can become more flexible. "Raising children must involve the father, including housework, family management, etc." Fang Chao said, "The child is fighting and needs his father to regulate, and his mother is depressed and needs his father to support and accompany him." ”

Zhang Zhaoan suggested that for families with many children, the time of maternity leave and the man's escort leave can be appropriately extended; a flexible maternity leave system can also be implemented to add up the husband's paternity leave and the wife's maternity leave and maternity leave, and the family decides how to allocate time between the husband and wife.

Individuals and families are ready, and businesses and societies should also reduce the financial burden of childcare for young people and solve their worries.

From the enterprise level, Zhang Zhaoan suggested promoting the "three-child" mother's career-friendly job selection policy, introducing the "three-child" mother employment preferential policy, and giving certain tax incentives to enterprises that recruit "three-child" mothers; encouraging enterprises to accept the "three-child" mother's home office or flexible working system during child-rearing, and encouraging full-time mothers to accept fragmented work during the child-rearing stage.

From the social level, all kinds of supporting facilities should be kept up in time, especially to improve infant and child care services and education systems. Zhang Zhaoan suggested that through the reconstruction and expansion of kindergartens, the proportion of public kindergartens should be increased, employers and social forces should be vigorously encouraged and supported, and participation in the establishment of childcare service institutions should be vigorously increased to solve the old and difficult problem of "who will bring the children".

Source: China Youth Daily client