The more love you don't get, the more you want to get it.
Eason Chan sang in the song Red Rose, what is not obtained is always in turmoil, and those who are favored have no fear. This lyric sings the love of many men and women, and Xiaoyu and her husband stumbled for many years and finally cultivated the right results. In the past, although the husband didn't talk much, everyone and the two of them went hiking, watching movies, and traveling together every weekend, and they didn't care much about these things. However, after having a baby, xiaoyu's inner vacancy is getting bigger and bigger, because on weekdays, xiaoyu has to take the child during the day, the husband has less time to contact at work, the husband is also silent after returning home, and the weekend time is occupied by children, and there is no previous two-person world.
Xiaoyu feels that she is very hard, I hope that her husband can accompany herself more, comfort herself more, and even sometimes lose control of her emotions, and begin to complain to her husband non-stop, I have done so much, can't you care about me? After coming back first, I didn't say a few words, what do you think of me? Unfortunately, when the rain was out of control, my husband never went to the other room without a word, and did not say a word of the comfort he wanted. And Xiaoyu has never given up this projective identity of asking for love.
This compulsive repetitive behavior of the light rain, like when we turn on and off the lights, is to get home, you press the switch, find that the lights are not on, what is your reaction? You might call and ask if the property has a power outage, or you might check the electric gate, and the only thing that's impossible is that you can't press that switch repeatedly. Xiao Yu was now repeating the switch, pressing it hundreds of times and thousands of times, but the light was still not on, but he still refused to give up. The more you don't get it, the more you want it, stemming from a projective identity. It means that in an intimate relationship, we can't see the real existence of the other party, only pay attention to whether the other party is as we wish, and whether we treat ourselves in the way we desire.
Xiaoyu projected the rejection to her husband, before he sent a signal for comfort, he subconsciously had a thousand according to past experience, this time he still would not get positive feedback, naturally all he saw was her husband's rejection, even if her husband had a slight change, he had no way to take care of it. How do you change this projective identity and stop falling into the trap of getting more and more wanted? First, be aware of what you really want to say. When we are dissatisfied, it is easy to express it in the form of accusations, complaints, or rhetorical questions. Why don't you care about me? You are just impersonal, and these expressions will make the other person angry. And our emotions are not reasonably released.
Before expressing, give yourself a few seconds to think about it, take off the cloak of accusations and complaints, what do I want to express? What am I asking for? Second, identify what is holding you back from saying what you want to say. See what exactly you're worried about? Worry is a true expression, will make the other party abandon, will aggravate the contradiction, will cause more misunderstandings and do not understand, or feel that it is useless to say more, simply do not say? Take a closer look at these worries, and you'll see that they're nowhere near as scary as you might think. If the real idea is expressed, the result is not necessarily worse than the current state. In most cases, all we fear is the feeling of fear itself. If it is not put into practice, this fear will be increased. And when you tell the other person that I'm worried that saying something about myself will ruin our relationship, you may be surprised to find that the other person's acceptance far exceeds your imagination and expectations.
Finally, when turning you into what I want to ask for, our point is often that you should, you should care more about me, you should go home early, you should tell me some real thoughts, these should be behind your will and control, not how the other party wants to try to turn you into I hope, I hope you can put down the phone early and chat with me. I hope you clean up your room, and I hope you get home early. When it comes to my hope, we're just expressing a suggestion that gives the other person a choice and gives us more room to bear rejection. With more autonomy on both sides, the atmosphere will become more relaxed and the results will be better.
Hopefully, you can see the projective identity in yourself, and the projective identity makes you more inclined to see the side you want to see, and ignore the different possibilities. When you understand this projective identity and allow yourself to see other parts, a real change occurs.