Wen | condensed mother's understanding
"In the first grade, you can be troublesome, and you still have to write homework, which is really sad!" Children write homework every day, but also play the piano, read, learn English, work until 11 o'clock every night, the next day at 7 o'clock to go to school, so late to sleep, and sleep for such a short time, can you still grow tall? ”
When I met a neighbor and talked about her child's schooling, she said this, and she missed the ease of her child's kindergarten.
Yes, in kindergarten, there is no hard task, the school time is relatively loose, and I do not take procrastination seriously. Going to primary school is different, completing the teacher's homework, completing the parents' homework, completing the homework of the interest class, and going to school on time, life is suddenly tense, and the problem of children procrastinating and rubbing is becoming more and more prominent.
My family's big treasure is also very rubbish, and when I talk to the parents of my classmates, I also sigh and sigh and spit on the children's rubbing.
Everyone can't figure it out, why is this year's children so difficult to bring, do things quickly, and play fast is not good? I had to drag it out until I couldn't do it anymore.
We will subconsciously push the responsibility on the child, count down, urge the child to change, but the problem is becoming more and more prominent, the child is still the same.
Later, I listened to the lecture of Professor Wang Le (Ph.D. in Educational Psychology at the University of Florida) and learned that procrastination is a natural behavior, and self-discipline is a learned behavior.
In the process of listening to the lecture, I also suddenly realized: understanding the reasons behind the child's procrastination, I can understand the child, let go of anxiety, and find a more effective solution. If you just watch the child rub and rush to the fire, simply start from the child and ask him to change, it will not work.
Therefore, I share a few views here, hoping that parents can calm their minds and face it calmly when they encounter their children's procrastination.
It's the brain's fault that children procrastinate
Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman mentioned in Thinking, Fast and Slow that the human brain has two systems, System 1 and System 2.
System 1 is the original system, located in the edge system, in charge of the emotional and reward circuits, likes to be happy, and is known as the Happy Monkey. System 2 is an evolutionary system, located in the anterior lobe of the brain, is a rational thinking decision-making system that likes to do difficult things, and is called rational decision-maker.
When System 1 prevails, people like to do things that make them happy. When System 2 prevails, people will be able to do things that make them feel embarrassed and challenging.
For children, the brain is immature, system 1 is in a leading position, system 2 is often in a weak position, the child will give priority to play, and avoid some difficult things.
Because children will feel happy when they play, they don't have to urge themselves to do it. Writing homework, completing parental tasks, not liking it, needing to overcome difficulties, and dragging it out.
Adults actually procrastinate, but the brain has evolved to be more mature and can control its own behavior.
Before writing this article, I also looked at social networking sites for more than an hour to see if there was anything new, if there was anything fun, to do these things without brains, to feel happy, so I didn't want to stop. But because I thought that I must finish this article and could not drag it out until tomorrow, I began to put down my mobile phone, open the computer, and code words.
Therefore, structural problems in the brain lead to procrastination in children, and children are not strong enough to need help.
It's the adult's fault that children procrastinate
We think that the child procrastinates, is the child is not self-disciplined enough, not positive enough, in fact, some of our practices are not in place, resulting in the child procrastination. We have to ask ourselves, are these things done right?
1. Is there a concept of time to cultivate children?
We often use time to measure whether the child is procrastinating, as long as the child does not do things within the specified time, it is procrastination. However, children's concept of time will not be naturally learned, and adults need to teach. If we don't let the child know the time and understand the urgency of time, we can't blame the child for not following the time.
2. Do you understand the child's fear of difficulties, and do you have extra homework assignments?
Children will follow the principle of happiness, and if children feel unhappy, they will definitely drag their feet, but they are often not valued.
For example, the homework assigned by the teacher is difficult, the child's inner fear, will use procrastination to fight, we only see him procrastinating, but did not ask, understand his feelings.
We always require children to write homework accurately, the handwriting is neat and beautiful, the child may be afraid of making mistakes or can't do it, inner anxiety, and delay in writing.
If parents assign additional tasks to their children, the children think that there is no rest time all day long, there is a sense of restraint, a sense of depression, and the heart is unhappy, and it will drag on until there is no time to complete.
3. Is there any act of doing things for the child?
Sometimes, parents are more anxious than their children, and when they see that their children have not done it, they help their children clear obstacles.
For example, if the child can't finish his homework, the parents help to do it, or help find a reason to intercede with the teacher. Let the child clean, the child did not have time to clean, the parents are not used to helping to clean.
When a child looks at it, dragging is a good way to avoid the task, why not enjoy it?
4. Do you always urge your children?
Children procrastinate and rub, we certainly can't stand it, we will urge over and over again, let the child feel bored, and make a deliberate procrastination confrontational behavior. At the same time, I also lost my sense of autonomy and waited for my parents to urge me to start doing it.
5. Is the education method consistent?
We also have some uncertainty about our children's discipline, sometimes harsh and sometimes loose.
For example, the same homework is also written, and when it is strict, the child must be done before 8 o'clock, and there is no rest in the middle. When it is relaxed, it is also possible to ask the child to finish at 9 o'clock, and it is also possible to relax freely in the middle and turn a blind eye.
Every parent will have the above problems to a greater or lesser extent, and we will not be perfect parents, so we cannot ask our children to be perfect. If we want our children not to procrastinate, we need to stop the above wrong practices and correct the way of education.
Overcoming procrastination is a protracted battle
If the child's procrastination habit has been a long time, we have not changed in time through a series of behaviors, just want to urge the child, let the child change immediately, it is impossible, we need to be prepared for a long time.
Freud's triad of personality structures held that everyone has three "I's": the id, the ego, and the superego.
The "original self" is the original me, who likes to enjoy happiness. The "self" is the real me. The "superego" is the ideal me.
The "ego" is constantly regulating the "original self" and the "superego."
For example, if a child drags on not writing homework, but wants to play for a while, it is the "original self" that controls his behavior, plays happily first, and then says other things. The child begins to write homework, that is, the "superego" controls his behavior, and the homework must be done, otherwise it will be criticized if it is not completed.
Children like to be happy, "original self" is stronger, "superego" is weaker, need adults to provide necessary help, let him accumulate some experience, train into muscle memory, in order to overcome the "original self".
If the parent condones the child's procrastination behavior, the child wastes time, but finally finishes the homework and is not criticized the next day, the child will continue to procrastinate because of this fluke.
That is to say, the child does not experience the consequences of procrastination, the "self" regulation experience is insufficient, there is no ability to adjust to the "superego" at a specific time, and it will not change its behavior.
If the parents set a time for the child, the overtime can not write homework, the child procrastinates for a long time, can not complete the homework, the next day is criticized, after many experiences, the child's "self" will increase some experience, in the specified time must compete with the "original self".
Children's procrastination is not only writing homework, there are many, such as eating, sleeping, going to school, etc., so that children have a long memory, all kinds of things do not procrastinate, parents need to maintain long-term patience, one by one to help solve.
epilogue
Children procrastinating is a common phenomenon, and we need to understand the reasons behind it before solving the problem of children. After understanding the cause, understand the child and reflect on your own behavior, in order to find a more effective solution. Otherwise, it is a palliative treatment rather than a cure.
I'm @Gelma Goku
Mother of two boys, more than 10 years of parenting experience
Accompany children to read, English enlightenment, science enlightenment
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