In 1986, Wang Yi gave birth to a healthy boy named Chen Song.
After 16 years, Chen Song turned herself into a girl and changed her name to Xiao Qian.
In the years since, Wang Yi has fallen into pain and self-blame, opening the old family photo album, she often feels trance, do not understand how the son in the photo has gradually become the daughter in front of her.
(In the early family photo album, young Chen Song put his arm around Wang Yi)
For her, she may not be able to understand gender from the same position as her children in this life, but in the second half of her life in the face of her transgender children, she decided to try to make it indifferent, as Long Yingtai said in "Seeing":
"Slowly understand that the father-daughter mother-son relationship, but it means that you and his fate, that is, in this life and this life, you continue to watch his back fade away, you stand at this end of the path, watching him gradually disappear into the corner of the path, and he silently tells you with his back: No need to chase."
(Group photo of Wang Yi and Xiao Qian in February 2017)
She tries to push her perspective back to herself, to examine what she cares about, what she wants, and what it means to be a mother.
The child is "lost"
This is not the first time That Chen Song has "lost" it.
The first time was one night in 1996, after school, Wang Yi did not receive Chen Song. She waited at the school gate until all the children had left, and Chen Song did not appear. At that time, she and her husband had just sold an old liberation car pulling goods, changed cars and drove a taxi, she drove during the day, and her husband drove at night.
(Chen Song in 1996)
The phone rang, it was the husband. He asked why he hadn't returned tonight, and Wang Yi asked anxiously, did Chen Song go home? The husband said no. Wang Yi told her husband that she had not received the child, and just asked the teacher, Chen Song did not go to school. The husband asked Wang Yi to go home first. Along the way, she was thinking wildly, but she didn't dare to think too deeply, and kept thinking, "Maybe he went to play by himself." ”
Back at home, Wang Yi was also fidgeting, asking a round of relatives and friends without chen Song's whereabouts, she decided to call the police. Before he could pick up the phone, the door was knocked on, and Wang Yi opened the door to see the neighbor standing outside the door with Chen Song. It turned out that the child went to play and couldn't find a way home. Wang Yi breathed a sigh of relief, although his mouth complained that people were worried about dying, but in his heart, he still felt that the child knew how to ask for directions and come back, which was quite smart.
(Chen Song in elementary school)
One night in 2000, Chen Song did not return home. This time Wang Yi did not care, after all, the children are 14 years old, lost should know how to come back, but no. It wasn't until the third day that Wang Yi felt that things were not good and had to call the police. On the fourth and fifth days, Chen Song had no news.
When Wang Yi drives every day, every time the person who gets on the car has to ask the other party whether he has seen this child, sometimes he suddenly dares not ask, for fear of crying when he talks. The couple took turns to send out search notices with children's information and photos, and relatives and friends repeatedly asked questions, but there was no news.
In addition to crying, Wang Yi did not know how to express, she repeatedly nagged those worries, the days grew, even her husband changed from comfort to impatience, and the two eventually fell into an argument. Any single reason can turn into anger and accusations, questioning why the other person is not optimistic about the child. In the "What did you do then?" "What are you doing again?" After the rebuke, it gradually became silent.
Couples wake up every day, the pressure of life is in front of them, the family has both parents who need to take care of, the money borrowed from buying a car should be repaid, the oil should be added every day, and the money must be given to the company, if you do not work for a day, it means that you have to lose 300 if you do not eat or drink, and now you have to find children...
(The pressure of life and the children who do not know whereabouts once made Wang Yi and her husband's lives fall to the bottom)
Wang Yi wonders every day, has the child been abducted by human traffickers? Then he called the police and got a reply that he was looking for it. This answer could not satisfy her, so she called relatives instead, and the relatives were already impatient with the repetition over and over again, and some people threw down a sentence after a few words of comfort, "Accept the reality." ”
After a year, Wang Yi gradually became numb, and although she still handed out leaflets and maintained contact with the police, she had begun to accept it mentally. Another year passed, and the hope of finding Chen Song became more and more dim. As a result Chen Song suddenly returned, one day in 2003.
The moment Wang Yi opened the door, it was not joy, but trance. At the moment of seeing the child, her first reaction was, who is this? In a second or two, she confirmed that it was her own child, but in front of her was the appearance of a woman, with long hair and a man's clothes, and a large breast bulging in front of the clothes. He is Chen Song, and he is not Chen Song. Stunned for a while, Wang Yicai reacted and asked, "Where have you been?" ”
(Chen Song who became Xiao Qian)
Wang Yi had fantasized about the reunion with her child countless times, but the stranger in front of her made her completely forget the expectation that she had prayed to heaven for countless days and nights to "let the child come back, as long as she sees him, anything can be done". She asked:
"What the hell is going on with you?! Chen Song! What the hell are you talking about?! ”
"I want to be crazy when women are crazy"
"I started kissing my male god in fifth grade, it was '95."
Xiao Qian recalls the past and feels that everything is natural. "I'm not transgender, I haven't crossed at all, I've felt like a girl since I was a child, where do I cross?" Xiao Qian said.
(When Chen Song was a child)
It was only when she faced herself in the mirror, and when she was tied to her short hair and male school uniform every day, that she felt uncomfortable and awkward. Xiao Qian recalled that she was not blamed for acting "very feminine" at that time, maybe there was, but she ignored it, she only remembered relatives saying, "This child has a clear eyebrow and is Sven".
"Maybe this identity is very important to me," Xiao Qian said, "if I had been constantly blamed at that time, without any sense of identity, I don't know if I would have been so natural to be myself." ”
She didn't know where she got the news that there was a back-string performance somewhere. In those days, anti-string performances were particularly popular and a lot of people were talking about it. Curious Xiao Qian asked what is the reverse string, and the other party said that it was a man dressed as a woman.
Xiao Qian seemed to have been hit by something, from the vague description of the other party, after half a year of repeated searching, and finally one day, she crashed into the corner of a street, walked through an oncoming path, and stepped into the door from the deepest part of the path, there was a dim staircase, climbed the stairs to the second floor, and the sign read - "Earth Ballroom".
Akane lifted the plastic curtain and went in, and she used "shock" to describe everything she saw. In the music, the people performing on the stage wear heavy makeup and twist their bodies, because the makeup is not good, most people can see the appearance of men, and the one standing in the center of the performance, it is good to see that men and women cannot be distinguished, and looks more like a woman. Xiao Qian's eyes widened and she thought, "I want to be like them too." ”
After that day, Xiao Qian often ran to the Earth Ballroom and watched them perform, until one day a person in makeup noticed her and said jokingly, "Yo, this child is very good, come with us." Xiao Qian agreed without hesitation.
"What a kung fu that pays off!" "Haha," Akane recalled, "that's fate." ”
From "Chen Song" to "Xiao Qian", this choice was not difficult for her at the time, and she did not have the same concerns about her parents and family relations as she does now. At that time, all the thoughts in Xiao Qian's mind were, "I have to do this every day."
"I wanted to go crazy when I wanted to be a woman."
(Chen Song, who wants to become a woman, has become Xiao Qian)
Xiao Qian was only 14 years old at that time, training every day, learning to perform, starting from supporting roles and accompanying dances, with a small income, but the package of food and housing, the income was pocket money. At first, she also thought about going home, even if it was to go back to report peace, but the days were long, and she thought that it would be impossible to come back after going back, and she suppressed the idea of going home, and in the blink of an eye it was a few years.
"I didn't even realize that so long had passed, probably because I was very happy every day at that time, but..." Xiao Qian slapped her hand hard and said, "It was hard to stay up in the C position, and finally it was my sister's turn to stand in the center of the stage, all the efforts were worth it, no more than two days!" Xiao Qian spread her hands, "It's over." "Xiao Qian made a serious psoriasis, initially just endured, and finally became more and more serious, completely unable to perform," that ghost look, swollen hands and feet, and still old enough to scratch it, how to act Ah you said. ”
(Tattoo on the back of Akane)
What made Xiao Qian even more uncomfortable was that she had to save money for a chest surgery, and she was going to continue to save money for a gender reset operation, but this sudden illness disrupted all her plans.
If she can't perform, she has no income, and the boss doesn't even want her to stay in the dance hall, for fear of infecting others. She usually spends a lot of money, and soon runs out of savings because of treatment and living expenses, and when she is sick, she finds that those who usually have a good relationship with her are just plastic sister flowers, and they are eager to stay away from her. At this point, she had only one way left—home.
(Desperate Little Akane can only go home)
Never go back to this home again
Xiao Qian, who was standing at the door, did not say a word, and even the word "Mom" became particularly difficult to say. She knew exactly what the outcome would be when she returned home.
The parents' verbal abuse of splitting their heads and covering their faces even threatened not to treat her. As for how harsh and vicious the scolding was, Xiao Qian couldn't remember it at all, but what she would never forget was that she was dragged to the hospital to remove her chest prosthesis, and hid in the toilet alone, crying while cutting off her long hair.
(Grandma dies, and Akane goes back to the funeral dressed as a boy.) ）
"Xiao Qian" changed back to "Chen Song". Parents take turns criticizing her, as if to vent all the negative emotions that have arisen from her disappearance in the past few years, and blame it on his behavior of wanting to become a woman. Even though sometimes she just wanted to talk to her parents about her life for the past few years, the conversation quickly became "I'm a woman!" What the are you doing! Such a loop.
Xiao Qian suppressed her emotions and asked, "Didn't you think that I didn't have any boys' clothes except school uniforms before?" Haven't you ever wondered why I wouldn't play with other male classmates?" But parents simply couldn't listen.
Xiao Qian began to want to escape from the house again, so her parents chose house arrest. They started driving the next day, taking turns staring at her and not letting her out. Finally, one day, Xiao Qian jumped from her room on the second floor, and the first time she did not succeed, broke her foot, and was caught back. After recovering, Akane jumped again, and this time she succeeded.
She decided never to go home again.
(Xiao Qian also has a yearning for family)
Wang Yi sometimes thinks, love to walk away, it is better not to come back, and there is no moment of happiness when you come back! But thinking about it, I cried... In the day-to-day resentment and quarrel, the heaviest thing that remained in her emotions was the feeling of powerlessness that she could not break Chen Song. "I think this child is finished, but I can't accept it."
The couple began to quarrel often for no reason, angering each other and complaining to each other, "Just because you didn't care about anything before!" How humiliating I am! I don't even dare to see my friends! ”
(Because of Xiao Qian, wang yi and her husband's relationship also dropped to a freezing point.) In the Spring Festival of 2017, the family had a rare reunion and had a meal together. ）
extrication
In the days when Xiao Qian left again, her parents and Xiao Qian felt relieved.
Xiao Qian returned to the dance troupe, and her parents lived according to the order. Although sometimes I think of each other, compared to arguing every day, horizontal knives are facing each other, and every time I flash, I will subconsciously remind myself that it is not easy to start over in my own life track.
(Wang Yi walking the dog)
Wang Yi has become accustomed to answering the cross-examination of Chen Song by relatives and friends, and she replied that she has worked in other places, which is very good. Wang Yi has a dog, two cats, nothing will talk to herself about cats, dogs and dogs, at least cats and dogs will not be as impatient with her as her husband. But sometimes she still secretly cries, although it is not clear what she is crying. Xiao Qian only left her phone number, but except when there was no money, the two people rarely spoke. All this, my husband does not know.
Xiao Qian tries to build her own life, and she longs to have a "home" of her own. But she wasn't that lucky, bumping into each other for years, trying many times, and not finding the right one. It was difficult to find a good one, and she slowly couldn't stand the other party, most of the time, the other party couldn't stand her.
(Akane and her boyfriend together)
"My profession is mixed with all kinds of men every day, and normal people can't stand it, right?" But if you say that you raise me, and I don't want to, raise me began to have requirements, I can't stand it," Xiao Qian said, "my mother can't stand me, how can others stand me?" ”
Life without solution
One midnight in 2015, Wang Yi was woken up by the phone, and the other party told Xiao Qian that she had been pricked in the stomach with a beer bottle and was in the hospital for emergency treatment, not knowing whether she could survive it.
(Scars left on Xiao Qian's body)
Panicked, Wang Yi hurried to the hospital. This time, she cried outside the operating room and thought, "As long as the child can survive, I can accept anything." ”
She fell into a deep sense of self-blame, and her mind kept rolling in, "What did you do then?" "What did you do then?!" This phrase, which hangs on the lips every time he argues with her husband, now becomes an arrow shot at herself.
Akane woke up a few days later, looking at her mother, and she cried silently in the midst of her father's reproach.
(Akane is crying)
When I got home, everything went as usual. Wang Yi would still persuade her husband, "You go talk about him!" What a look! When he resisted, but more often, Wang Yi did not push back, but said, "Let him go, what can you do?" ”
In the years of separation and connection, Wang Yi sometimes wondered, Chen Song has become like this, what is she afraid of, is she worried that he will be hurt in that group, or because she is afraid of being laughed at by relatives and friends, she can't look up in front of others? Maybe both.
But let the child live the life he wants, he will be happier; no, there must be bad people in there, otherwise how can the child be punctured? She consulted with her husband: "Do you think he can change his work environment better?" The husband snorted and said, "He's like this, who wants him?" So Wang Yi was pushed back to the original point.
(Akane herself also has a lot of struggles and pains)
She also tried to talk to her son, but every time Xiao Qian's answer was "I think I am very good like this", which made Wang Yi feel bad. Once, when she got angry, she said angrily, "You want to become Venus?" Xiao Qian replied frankly: "It can't be done." ”
In fact, Xiao Qian is also running away, the anti-string performance has long been out of favor, she is often anxious about what to do, but there is no education, no skills, where can she go? She has even become accustomed to using both male and female organs to cope with life, and has lost interest in becoming a "real woman" completely, but she still has to face this society after all, and she has to admit whether she is a man or a woman in social identity, but the result seems to be not something she can decide. Every time she thought about it, Xiao Qian felt that this problem was unsolvable, and finally had to stop it.
(Akane also loses interest in becoming a "real woman" completely))
later
"You're here to work."
Lao Ma, an old friend of Xiao Qian and head of an AIDS public welfare organization, threw an olive branch at her after a transgender event. Talking about the current situation at home, Xiao Qian said that it was still the same old way, and the old horse replied, "Of course, you don't move a step, of course, you have to live a personal look, and you have to bend down to pick up the pie in the sky!" ”
(Akane works at a transgender agency)
Lao Ma helped Xiao Qian establish a transgender institution and was attached to her own institution as an incubation project. In the face of Xiao Qian, who did not know what to ask and did not know, and forgot what things were taught, Lao Ma frankly said that in the group of people he faced, Xiao Qian was already good. Lao Ma said, "If you can look at transgender people on a hierarchical level, you will slowly find that there are many people like her, and there are worse, or the situation is more complicated." ”
Half a year later, Lao Ma saw that her work had not improved, and suggested to her that if she could not do it, she could consider asking her mother for help, "it is also a way for you to let your mother know you better." But when Xiao Qian proposed, Wang Yi refused. The mouth muttered, "Can I do this?" ”
Wang Yi couldn't tell what she cared about, she couldn't accept their world and didn't want to wade through this muddy water. But in the heart, the child continues to share his work with her, saying that there are many people and many parents who are curious to find out when they face a more complex environment than their own families. Finally, this curiosity, in a separate conversation with her on the old horse sent to the West by the Buddha, constantly emphasized, "Don't you want to get to know your child well?" Have you ever gotten to know your child? Li agreed.
The new work in the institution, what Wang Yi did in the early stage, is nothing more than accompanying and watching Chen Song. For the first time in her life, Wang Yi felt idle, she even had enough time to play her favorite table tennis twice a day in the morning and evening to re-establish a friendship, she had not had friends for a long time, because of the identity of the child, she cut off almost all acquaintances.
It is also in this job that Wang Yi consciously or unconsciously thinks about some problems in Xiao Qian's sharing, or looks for the reason why her children are like this from other people's experiences. Although she still expected Chen Song to return to the track of that ordinary person, have a serious job, get married, have children, and raise children, everything is quietly changing.
(Wang Yi playing table tennis)
In the past ten years, how to "break" the child's gender back has occupied almost all her energy, and now she seems to be able not to think about this aspect, but how to make the child and herself live more comfortably, which is perhaps the biggest leap in the relationship between mother and son in recent years.
One thing changed Wang Yi's mind a lot. Chen Song's eldest cousin is the family's benchmark, but last year she got cancer and left. She satisfied all the people's imaginations of "a good life and a good life", but within forty she left everyone behind and died. "Maybe after experiencing the moment of robbing the child with the god of death, I slowly understand what I care about more?" Wang Yi said.
Last year, Wang Yi proposed to live with Xiao Qian, in order to save money and to better take care of Xiao Qian. Xiao Qian readily agreed. After living together, they talk more about what kind of hair to do, what kind of clothes to wear, or where to eat good food.
(Wang Yi helps Xiao Qian comb her hair)
Wang Yi feels that perhaps after sharing and communicating with so many transgender parents, after listening to so many "they are born this way" rhetoric, she slowly accepted that she could look at this matter from this premise, especially when she was often responsible for unraveling some children who were not accepted by other parents, she needed to put herself in a "no mistake" position. This allowed her to reflect on her past self, how uncomfortable and unworthy she was to understand them as "wrong".
Wang Yi even began to quietly calculate her later, when everything slowly got on the right track, she and her husband went to a strange city and lived their lives well, as for Chen Song, it was good to be safe and happy, and she could help him wherever she could, and she could see him when she wanted to see him.
After more than ten years of struggle and bearing various costs, Wang Yi was squeezed to this moment, and now she knows very well that all she cares about is her own children, whether his name is "Xiao Qian" or "Chen Song".
(To protect the interviewees, the characters in the article are pseudonyms.) ）
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