Author: Shizune Yuyu
Source: Mom Hugs
Yesterday, a colleague of mine was named by the teacher in the parent group: "So-and-so parents, but you have to snack on your child's learning!" ”
Colleagues complained that to say that she was not concerned about her child's learning was simply worse than Dou E!
Since her child was in elementary school, she was the first to rush out of the office every day after work.
The first thing to do when you go home is to urge your child to write homework, urge your child to punch in, and check your child's various memorizations and writings.
But I didn't think about it, the more I worried, the child's grades became worse and worse.
In fact, children's academic performance is closely related to their parents' educational methods.
As Albert Hubbard said:
"When parents do too much for their children, children don't do too much for themselves."
The more the mother loves to worry, the worse the child's grades.
1
The more the mother worries, the more dependent the child is
Two days ago, my girlfriend sent me a picture, saying that she saw the "most reasonable quote" from the Internet, and quickly printed it down and pasted it next to the child's desk.
If you can't, please look up the dictionary and don't shout "Mom"!
If you can't, please read the question three times first, don't shout "Mom"!
It turned out that since the child went to primary school, the girlfriend quit her job and threw herself on the child, staring at the child every day to write homework.
As long as the child says which problem will not be, she immediately explains and calculates, and lends a helping hand at the first time.
Unexpectedly, later, the child encountered some difficulties in learning and called his mother, never thinking about thinking about it first.
Moms like her, like "helicopters," hover over their children.
As soon as the child has problems and troubles, he will "land" next to the child at any time to help, and never give the child the opportunity to deal with it alone.
Lilian Kaitz, an American early childhood education expert, found that many children will gradually develop a sense of incompetence in learning for some reasons in the learning process, and thus lose self-confidence.
The culprit that makes children feel "incompetent" in learning is not uninterested, not talentless, but the helicopter mother who worries about everything.
Carnegie mentions in The Weakness of Human Nature:
"For anyone, as long as there is something to rely on, subconsciously put an end to self-independence."
Mothers worry about their children's learning in every detail, and children will gradually become lazy, passive, and lack self-confidence.
The more the mother loves to worry, the more like a helicopter around the child at all times, the more dependent the child is.
Once the child has the psychology of dependence, the initiative of learning will be greatly reduced.
2
The more the mother worries, the more rebellious the child becomes
Many mothers are deeply touched, and now children are becoming more and more difficult to manage!
Some children themselves have poor self-consciousness in learning, do not urge him not to learn, urge not to listen! Even go to extremes at every turn!
There was a 9-year-old boy who was dissatisfied with his mother letting him write homework, and jumped off the building as soon as he gambled, and his parents were too late to stop him and died on the spot.
Urging children to write homework was originally for the good of children, but children took the most extreme way to gamble with their parents.
When the child's learning has been pushed forward by the external motivation, the child is very prone to bored and resistant emotions.
The more you discipline, the more impatient the child becomes.
Especially for children in the rebellious period, the more you worry, the more you manage, the more disgusting the child is.
In the TV series "Little Joy", Song Qian, played by Tao Hong, is a soldier for her daughter's college entrance examination.
She did not allow Hideko to continue her hobbies and recreational activities, and became a gold medal tutor, personally making a review plan for her daughter and writing simulation questions.
However, under the airtight control of her mother, Hideko was overwhelmed by this heavy love and began a belated rebellion.
Her mother did not let her play Lego, and she was not allowed to go to the planetarium again, so she skipped class to go to her father's place to fight Lego and secretly went to the planetarium.
After being discovered, she had a big fight with her mother, ran away from home, and had a nervous breakdown to the point of wanting to jump into the sea.
Russell wrote in The Road to Happiness:
"Parents should not do as much as possible for their children, all self-sacrificing parents tend to control their children emotionally, and excessive concern is often a disguise of possessiveness." 」
When the mother is too worried, those efforts and expectations often become control unconsciously.
After the child is "controlled" too much by the mother, it may go to two extremes, one is to give up independent personality and have strong dependence.
The other is more and more rebellious, the more the mother let the child learn, the more perfunctory the child is.
3
The more worried the mother, the more likely the child is to be depressed
Some people say that in family education, "sense of giving" and "sense of sacrifice" are the most important.
However, in reality, the more worried the mother, the heavier the sense of giving and sacrifice.
Moreover, the more worried the mother, the easier it is to be anxious and complain, and this negative emotion is also easy to pass on to the child.
In the film "Jasmine's Last Day", there is a returnee master's mother who gives up a high-paying position and wants to let her child get ahead.
To this end, she did not slack off for a day and wholeheartedly supervised her daughter's study.
If the daughter resists a little, the mother will be angry and angry:
"If I hadn't given birth to you, I would be a professor now, so why did I let the professor not do it and be angry with you here?"
Even if you take the first place, your mother will not be satisfied:
"Don't be too proud, if I don't stare, how can you possibly take the first place?" Be careful that you fall down next time. ”
In the 16 years of living together day and night, the mother said the most to her daughter:
"Are you worthy of me?"
In the end, the overwhelmed daughter, suffering from major depression, chose to commit suicide by jumping off a building late one night.
The girl's words before jumping off the building are even more painful-
"No one loves me anyway."
The famous psychologist Xu Tiansheng said:
"Parents replace respect with control, command instead of inspiration, doubt instead of trust, and children's lives will find no way out, no love."
The more worried the mother, the more she feels that her efforts are not proportional to the returns, and the more her psychology will be out of balance.
This imbalance is transformed into a blind blow to the child, which will cause the child's psychological inferiority.
When the child's psychological pressure is getting bigger and bigger, the sense of self-worth is getting lower and lower, and the more difficult it is to devote himself to learning, forming a vicious circle.
4
Mothers who don't worry about it, achieve a child's open and hanging life
In the book "Self-Driving Growth", it is proposed:
Parents who want to cultivate their children's self-control and stimulate their intrinsic motivation should see themselves as their children's "counselors" rather than their children's "bosses or managers."
In the face of children's learning, instead of being anxious, angry, and worrying about everything before and after their children, it is better to adjust their mentality and guide their children reasonably.
1. Gradually let go and cultivate children's learning initiative
Tao Xingzhi once took out a rooster in a speech, then held the rooster's head and forced it to eat rice.
But the big rooster only screamed and did not eat.
Later, after putting the chicken on the table and taking a few steps back on his own, the big rooster himself began to eat the rice.
Tao Xingzhi believes that:
"Educating a child is like feeding a chicken, forcing him to learn, and he is reluctant to learn.
But if you let him study freely and give full play to his subjective initiative, the effect must be much better! ”
In the face of children's learning, instead of blindly worrying and "pushing" children away, it is better to gradually let go and cultivate children's initiative and good habits in learning.
The mother's eagerness to intervene and do everything will only make the child feel dependent on both thought and action in learning.
Only when children gain a sense of self-control can they stimulate their enthusiasm for learning and their determination to self-manage.
2. Consequence education, cultivate children's sense of self-reflection
Educating children on consequences is conducive to cultivating children's self-reflection awareness and is very helpful for improving independent learning ability and self-management ability.
Some netizens posted that the 11-year-old daughter always grinds and rubs after getting up every day, afraid that she will miss the school bus, and she has to help her daughter clean up her things every day, urging over and over again.
Gradually, she realized that she couldn't help her daughter with everything, and when her daughter got up, she gave everything to her daughter.
Not surprisingly, her daughter missed the school bus and cried uncontrollably.
But from then on, the daughter, who was afraid of being late again, did not dare to rub it in the morning.
Only when the child understands the consequences of his actions can the child learn to self-reflect and become more self-disciplined.
3. Learn to show weakness and enhance children's self-confidence in learning
In front of the child, showing your own lack of ability is not a bad thing, but will stimulate the child's inner positive energy.
When my son was in the fourth grade, he was afraid of math and especially didn't like to do out-of-equation calculations that looked "troublesome."
Even if he broke his heart and taught him over and over again, he always perfunctorily did not do the problem.
Later, I sometimes pretended that I didn't know the answer.
As soon as I heard that my mother would not do it, my son immediately had a spirit, and while taunting me, he coaxed: "Look at me!" ”
In this way, let him be a little teacher for me a few times, and my son found himself stronger than his mother, and his confidence in learning increased greatly.
Professor Li Meijin said:
Parents can reveal their shortcomings to their children, such as "I scratch my head myself, I don't have so much time and energy to manage you, I think you should be able to manage yourself."
In front of the child, learn to show weakness appropriately, and lose no time to encourage the child, the child's learning confidence and enthusiasm will be greatly enhanced.
5
The famous Italian educator Montessori said:
"Education must first guide children to take the road of independence, which is a key issue in our education."
The same goes for children's learning.
Facts have proved that children with internal drive can produce a sense of satisfaction and pleasure from learning.
Children who act on the supervision of their parents, even if they are temporarily excellent, but once they lack supervision, the children will feel overwhelmed, disoriented, and even stagnant.
Psychologist David Wood argues:
"Parents should act as scaffolding for their children, provide a framework for their children to solve problems, and let children use their own brains to find ways to solve problems."
As moms, the harsh truth we have to accept is:
In fact, 99% of your worries are useless.
Cultivating children's independent learning ability and awakening children's strong learning internal drive is the chip for children to win the future.
END
Author's profile: This article comes from the mother hugging group (ID: mmbaotuan), the hard work and happiness of mothers, we all understand; the growth exchange platform for mothers, welcome to pay attention.
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