Two months ago, I decided to remove my uterus.
I was watching a magic drama called The Demon Hunter, in which the female magician, after completing her magical studies, had to perform a ritual called equalization, in which a woman sacrificed her womb in exchange for an increase in mana, a beautiful appearance, and eternal life. The sorceress has since become free and powerful, no longer concerned and attached.
I certainly didn't decide to cut off my womb because I watched a magic show, I'm 36 years old and not an easily deceived child. Every time you look in the mirror, take off your coat and relax your abdomen, the middle of your lower abdomen will bulge outwards, looking like you are three months pregnant. Patients call this the play endo belly, which is an acronym for endometriosis. The slowly enlarging uterus is accompanied by adenomyosis.
The patient forum has been watching for a long time and feels like a magic academy. From time to time, people will ask, dysmenorrhea, filming, will it be endometriosis? Finally diagnosed, began to take medicine control. xxx medicine heard that the side effects will be a little smaller, have any sisters tried it? xxx drugs have heard that some provincial medical insurance can be reimbursed, is it true? The doctor said that the uterus was too big to take the Manyue Le ring... Finally one day, a picture of me in a hospital gown was sent, sisters, I'm going to have a hysterectomy tomorrow! Then she graduated.
Saying that you graduated does not mean that there is no pain from now on, but for endometriosis and adenomyosis, modern medicine has nothing more to do.
Now you know why I had my uterus removed because I wanted to graduate.
Why make this decision now? This problem is complicated to say.
The first time the womb greeted me was through menstruation, and the word "menstruation" can now be said. But one day when I was thirteen, I went to the bathroom and shouted to a large table of people at my grandmother's house, Mom, I'm menstruating. My mom rushed over and covered my mouth and pulled me back to the bathroom. I learned that some words, which could not be said at the time, could only be spoken to women, and had to be whispered.
In junior high school, the way girls in the class passed sanitary napkins was to elongate the sleeves, put the sanitary napkins in the sleeves, and let the sanitary napkin slide into the pocket of another person as they passed. Of course, there are still many girls who understand each other, such as who goes home to change clothes... We are united by codes into a cheerful alliance.
Until one day, an open sanitary napkin appeared in the class, and ink dripped from it. I still remember the frozen atmosphere in the class, shame and anger, and all the girls did not speak. We have no way to resist, because all that cannot be said, we can only be more cautious, more careful.
Junior high school is really a terrible grade, there will be boys in the school to lift girls' skirts, and during the physical examination, there are boys peeping outside the window. And once that happens, everyone laughs at the poor girl. I thought that if a boy saw him without clothes, he might have to commit suicide.
Having been with the womb for more than ten years, she visited her house once a month and didn't cause me much trouble except for the occasional dirty sheet. But maybe she was rebellious and didn't intend to spend a lifetime with me. In short, the uterus began to lose its temper, which began as a small awkwardness of menstruation, and then became a long-term shouting and shouting.
At that time, I was about to show my fist in the adult world, but the increasingly painful menstrual period forced me to stop and find out. After more than a year of consultation, he was finally diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis. As my condition progressed, I found that the world that was slowly unfolding in front of me stopped and began to slowly recycle.
Before I was 25 years old, I walked alone through more than 20 provinces and autonomous regions across the country, got a diving license in Bali, experienced skydiving in Seattle, stayed up late to participate in the Texas Hold'em Championship... Until one time, a friend and I planned to go camping in Yosemite National Park. Unprecedentedly, hesitation arose within me, and it was fear that drowned out the excitement of travel. It had been three or four years since the diagnosis had been made, and the pain was beginning to significantly affect my life. I will have stomach pain during non-menstruation, feel tired often, and faint when I lose too much blood during menstruation... All of this made me wonder if I could get off a long outdoor trip.
In the end, we set off, and along the way I was like a countryman worried that the sky was going to fall, making myself tired and sweeping away the interest of my fellow travelers. That trip didn't go out of the way with the help of painkillers, but after that, I said goodbye to long business trips and outdoor trips.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom would be bedridden for a day or two a month, and my dad would pick up a little water from an enamel basin and put it on the head of her bed so she didn't have to get out of bed when she needed to vomit. I asked Dad, what's wrong with Mom? He always said, mom has a headache, it's okay, write homework and go. Later, I learned that it was my mother's reaction to every menstruation, migraines, nausea, vomiting.
Finally, in my twenties, I also began to glimpse the suffering of some women. And about squeamishness or not squeamishness, in fact, it is not a choice at all, but the result, can the day not be over?
When I was diagnosed for the first time, the gynecologist told me that the sooner I planned to have a baby, the more difficult it would be. When the disease continues to develop, children cannot be born, and assisted reproduction must be done, which will be more painful.
I don't want kids, I don't like kids, I don't like noise, I don't like trouble. The world is big, and I haven't seen it yet. However, as the intensity and duration of the pain increased, my will also began to collapse. The uterus not only controlled my body with monthly pain, but also began to influence my decision-making. Anyway, the world can't see it, or have a baby, right? This womb must be used, what if one day it can't be used?
So, at the age of 29 I had a baby. It was never in my life plan.
When I was pregnant, because I finally didn't have to have stomachaches, I was almost happy. I got a visa to Australia and planned to travel in the second trimester. Haven't been out for a long time. And I checked, the second trimester is the most stable period to travel. When I told my mom about the plan, she was so excited that she thought I was completely unreasonable. Wrote hundreds of words of messages on WeChat, intimidating and condemning. Finally she wrote: "You are a woman with a child, a woman who is about to become a mother, as an adult, please take responsibility for your actions!" ”
I knew she was worried, thinking that my pregnancy itself was a matter of divine care (endopathy is often accompanied by infertility), and if I lost my child in an accident, I might never be pregnant again.
When my mother talked about this, my trip to Australia must have been ruined. I was so angry that I didn't talk to my mom for months. On the one hand I didn't like being intimidated and blackmailed, and on the other hand, I realized that pregnancy didn't give me the freedom I expected, but more like a bigger trap.
Two years later, however, I had a second child. Why? Because I don't menstruate when I'm pregnant or breastfeeding, I don't have any pain. Compared to the pain that frequently haunts daily life, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and even childbirth are nothing.
I am not alone, in the population of endeopathy and adenomyosis, because it is not uncommon for sisters who are sick to give birth early and have consecutive births, and everyone will laugh at this as "endless life therapy".
For a long time, I didn't realize that my life was completely controlled by the womb, and I compromised step by step, both cowardly and ignorant. But there was nothing they could do.
With the birth of two children and some changes in my career, I left the workplace three years ago. Coupled with the sudden outbreak of COVID-19, I found that my world could be smaller.
For so many years, I have been carefully associated with illness. The latest concept is to treat endometriosis as a chronic disease, long-term management, and a book called "Endometriosis Self-Management: Changing Your Diet and Lifestyle". So I was ready to live with her, to give all my willpower and to live a life of caution.
Even if I tried to be perfect, the best I could get was to feel better when I was in pain, and my life became, either in pain or in preparation for pain.
As for what you might say? I do not know. According to the hospital's pain scale from 0 to 10, I would often give my pain a score of 9. Believe me, as a woman who has had five surgeries, given birth to and breastfed two children, I have seen the pain in the world. But I still can't answer, as for. Probably all chronic diseases are like this, it is like a shadow over your life, become the background of your life, when it hurts and when it does not hurt, when it is in good condition and when it is not good, sometimes it is even indistinguishable.
Last year, when the pain was unbearable, I discussed with Mr. T that I would not have another child. Mr. T agreed. So we started trying to get pregnant. For about six or seven months, every time my great aunt came as expected, I was angry that I hadn't stopped the pain. But at the same time, I also breathed a long sigh of relief, if I was pregnant, from the newborn to the kindergarten, let alone three years. I don't want to dedicate three more years of my life to a toddler.
I almost fell into the trap of "endless therapy", to keep myself caught in another deep wall in order to stay away from the pain for ten months.
When the second son was finished with the caesarean section, the nurse came to press my abdomen, and the pain was accompanied by screams and tears. My mom stood at the end of the bed, rubbing her hands anxiously. After the nurse left, she said to me, "Okay, the two babies are fine, the task is done." ”
Yeah, I've done the woman's job. But what is the task? Having two children? Or three? Do you want to raise it after giving birth? How to count as a good breed? You must be emotionally stable, otherwise the child will be insecure; you must be independent and strong, and set an example for your daughter; you must be elegant and beautiful, otherwise how to keep the child and his father? Mario upgrades the monster to save Princess Peach, and the woman upgrades the monster, just for others to think you haven't done anything wrong. Is such a task done?
One of the things that has made me happy over the past year is that I started learning to climb. The first time I went to the rock museum was to give my five-year-old daughter a rock climbing lesson, and as soon as I entered the door, I was attracted by the empty field and the "stone blocks" of different shapes on the walls. There are not many people in the rock museum, and the staff took me to visit. Walking to the innermost part, I saw two old ladies, gray-haired, at least seventy years old. One is tied to a rope and climbs up the wall, and the other is at the other end of the rope to protect a partner. I looked at them in a daze, and a sudden burst of hot air gathered in my chest, and even my cheeks became red and hot.
Why should I rush to enroll my five-year-old daughter in rock climbing? She still has more good days, I want to play by myself!
So, I bought myself a membership. At the beginning, it can be described as unbearable, the simplest line, halfway up the climb, the arm is sore, the fingers do not have any strength, and the feet keep slipping. Because of illness, it is easy to get tired, and it does not take long to climb each time to lose physical strength. I had to go as many times as possible, physically, as much as I could, crawl until I felt tired, and go home.
Climbing needs to be protected by a partner, and Mr. T was also pulled by me to become a member and practice with me at my pace.
Because of the involvement of the womb, there are always ten days a month when I can't go to the rock museum, but that's it, after half a year, I have made obvious progress in rock climbing. Difficulty climbing can complete 5.10 levels, body fat drops to 16%, and a clear vest line can be seen in the abdomen. Each time you challenge a new line, fingers reach a higher grip, try different foot points and postures, adjust your body, expand her, feel her strength, her freedom.
One day, my mother-in-law came to see us, saw the obvious muscle lines of my arm, and couldn't help but sigh: "Don't practice any rock climbing, the arms have muscles, girls are not good-looking." I laughed, "I want to have strength!" The mother-in-law shook her head helplessly.
Yes, the power, the climbing made me feel strength and freedom again, although it was only a brief time on the rock wall each time, but it was fantastic. I want to regain my strength and freedom in life.
"I'm wrong, I don't really want to have children." I confessed to Mr. T.
"Then don't, for me two is enough. I want to adopt it in the future! ”
"I don't want to have children, I don't want to have children, the children are finally growing up a little, I want to live my own life, a normal life." 」 I said, "I want to do a hysterectomy." ”
Mr. T wasn't quite surprised, we've been together for ten years and he's seen the most painful look I've ever seen. After a pause of a few seconds, he said, "Your body is up to you, and I support you." ”
I made an appointment with the doctor, and Mr. T accompanied me to the doctor.
C was my attending physician, in his mid-fifties, with short hair, nearly one meter eight tall, and a strong figure. I told her about the pain and the unsuccessful attempt to conceive. She said there was nothing she could do and suggested that I take hormone levels and adjust it to keep trying. I interrupted her and said, we don't want kids anymore.
C paused and said, if so, we can try oral progesterone. What about hysterectomy? I asked. C looked at me and looked down at my medical records.
A year ago, C suggested that I have my uterus removed, and I firmly refused. She didn't mention it again. For doctors, some women, even if it hurts, are not willing to remove the uterus. The doctor needs to judge whether the patient is determined to keep the uterus or the type that will consider removal. She may judge that I will not accept the removal of the uterus.
Why did you refuse at the time? At that time, I believed that the integrity of the body was very important, and as long as I could accept and feel enough, sick organs could also begin to repair themselves. Later I discovered that it might be easier to accept myself without a womb than to accept a sick uterus. Sorry, my womb.
Go back to C's office. She took her eyes off the medical record, looked me in the eye, and said slowly but firmly, "The removal of the uterus is probably the most thorough." She paused and asked, "But, are you sure?" ”
The woman whose uterus was removed, (except for the patients in the forum) I only know three.
In the first grade of elementary school, I waited in front of the school every day and entered the school hand in hand with her. One morning, her mother sent her and grabbed her at the school gate and refused to let go. She squatted down, supported Yuan Yuan's shoulder, and said, Mother will not be able to have younger brothers and sisters in the future, you must be well, healthy and healthy. Yuan Yuan later told me that her mother was going to have surgery to remove the uterus. I don't know what a womb is, the garden says, the house where women give birth. I think that your mother has not given birth to you, nor can she regenerate more, and the house where the child is born will not be gone.
The other is the seaweed in "Snail Dwelling", at the end of the story, the seaweed in the late pregnancy is pushed to the ground by Song Siming's original match, bleeding heavily, and is urgently dropped the uterus. In the last shot, at the airport, Seaweed is alone carrying a suitcase, and she is out of the country.
The last one is a short story I recently read, and the name of the collection of stories is not to be said, new in 2021. The story tells of a woman who cut off her uterus because of illness and slept separately from her husband ever since. In order to keep the marriage, she took the initiative to introduce some young girls to her husband. It's the most vicious story I've ever read. The whole story suggests, "A woman without a womb cannot be considered a woman." ”
And who decides what counts as a woman? What does it matter if you are a woman or not? Can't be considered a woman, is it not necessary to do housework?
If you count the patients in the forum, the number of women who have their uterus removed increases to more than a dozen. For a while, I frequently searched the forum for "hysterectomy" and wondered what happened to the women who had their uterus removed? Does it still hurt? What are the side effects?
What I see the most is regret for not having the resection earlier. Of course, I don't want to glorify the hysterectomy, after all, if there is no disease and no disaster, who wants to be stabbed for no reason? Surgery will not solve all problems, the previous pelvic floor muscles are still loose, the endometrial lesions scattered in the pelvic cavity will still be painful, and the recovery after surgery is also very long, and will face several months of fatigue and weakness, and so on. However, they still think it is cost-effective.
Xiao Yu is a patient I met through my article, she is in Beijing, we have a phone call from time to time to report on the latest treatment progress, share the treatment plan at home and abroad. Xiaoyu has been ill for a long time, like giving herself a medical school. She sent me the ppt of the expert exchange at the medical conference on WeChat, and there was an anatomical picture of the deeply infiltrated endopathy, the uterus, ovaries, bladder, large and small intestines, and the blurred sticky together, which made people frightened. Let us know that the situation can always get worse. I advised her, don't study, do something else, you know enough.
More often, we complained to each other on the phone about exhaustion, about pain, about the side effects of hormonal drugs, and it was a really enjoyable and decompressing time. When I decided to remove the uterus, I told Xiaoyu. She said, I support your decision. I'm thinking about it too, but I haven't had a baby yet, and the situation is a bit more complicated than yours. One day, I will also have surgery to remove the uterus.
It turned out that she was also looking forward to graduation.
"Are you sure?" C asked.
Although I had done a lot of homework before, consulted with a third-party doctor, and asked my patients, I already had the answer, but I asked again, "What are the side effects?" ”
"The biggest side effect is that you can't have children. Then there is the lack of menstruation, if you think of this as a side effect. C replied.
"Will it affect sex?"
"You can't have penetrative sex for eight weeks after surgery, you can do it after eight weeks."
"Can there still be an orgasm?"
"Of course, as before. But you don't feel the contraction of the uterus during orgasm, some people like that feeling, some people don't. ”
"Need hormone supplementation?"
"No, the hormones come from the ovaries, you're still young, we'll keep the ovaries for you." After the operation, the body will self-regulate, you are physically fit, there should be no problem. ”
The list of questions is long and endless, and the doctor replies one by one. Mr. T always sat next to me, listening to the doctor's answer with me.
As I walked out of the clinic I said, "I'm sorry to let you go through this with me." ”
Mr. T smiled, "Don't say that, who isn't sick?" ”
We determined the surgical protocol, which was scheduled after two months. Perhaps like a female magician, she can sacrifice the womb and gain strength and freedom.
Author | Xiao Su
Edit | Fairy tales
* This work is from sandwich "Short Story Academy"