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Author | First peach
Last night, my 7-year-old son lay in front of the TV for the 101st time and refused to enter the room to practice calligraphy.
I coaxed and coaxed, and this boy still refused to "obey".
Looking at the son of the dead beggar Bai Lai, the child's father was soft-hearted for a moment, and tentatively asked: "Or, we will not practice tonight?" ”
"No!" Exhausted with patience, I raised my voice by an octave and suddenly froze the grandfather and son.
"Go!" I crossed my left hand and pointed my right finger at my son's room.
The one-word command was the most terrifying, and the son finally slipped off the couch and returned to the room to practice.
"Why force your son like this?" It's still small. The boy said cautiously to his father.
I glanced back at him.
Don't I feel bad about forcing my child like this?
However, the future of the child is more important than the heartache.
Because children who have been "forced" and "not forced" since childhood have lived a completely different life after 20 years.
If I "let go" of my son now because of a momentary softness of heart, then he will lose more than a good hand in the future.
The "forced" child will not be too bad in the future
Some time ago, Yang Qian, the post-00 "Tsinghua Xueba" who shot down the first gold of the Olympic Games, was frequently searched.
"Tsinghua Xueba", "Olympic Champion", any title is enough to make countless people admire.
Now that Yang Qian has combined the two in one, she can almost seal the gods in situ.
But the audience only saw the mighty light after her success, but they could not see the countless attempts behind her to give up.
At the age of 12, Yang Qian was sent to the youth Olympic team with great masters after winning the runner-up of the National Youth Championship.
Yang Qian, who has won countless awards, is here, reduced to a small player with mediocre strength.
Faced with being defeated again and again, Yang Qian had the idea of giving up countless times.
Every time he listened to his daughter's grievances on the phone, Yang's father always said firmly: "No, you can't give up." Think about how much you loved shooting. Hold on a little longer! ”
Under the "persecution" of her father, she had to grit her teeth and persevere, often practicing alone in the training ground until her shoulders could not lift.
Later, she was admitted to Tsinghua University, and she had to train and take classes every day. Too busy to rest, she thought of giving up her studies.
But this time, Yang Qian was forced by her father to persist: "Reading, at any time, can not be wrong." ”
In this way, Yang Qian also gritted her teeth and completed the study little by little, never hanging up the subject.
This is the current Olympic champion of Tsinghua University - Yang Qian.
Presumably, when Yang's father "forced" his daughter to persist, his heart must also be extremely painful.
But he knew very well that there were some things that he had to force his daughter to insist on.
The purpose is not a perfect result, but to persevere in the process of gaining something, such as perseverance, such as anti-pressure, such as the courage to overcome the self.
I remembered chatting with a senior human friend before.
I asked him, "Is it really that important that the interviewer has talent?" How many people who can play the piano can be loud? ”
He smiled: "What we value is not how skilled he is, but the perseverance behind the acquisition of skills." ”
I see.
It seems that children who have been forced by their parents to practice calligraphy and play the piano since childhood may have a busier and harder childhood;
But 20 years from now, what awaits them will be more opportunities than others.
And these opportunities are derived from the perseverance exercised in the process of persistence.
"Not forced" children
I have paid for it all my life by "not trying"
If you ask: Will those "untouched" children grow up to thank their parents for their kindness?
Most people shake their heads and sigh.
Take my cousin, for example.
The cousin grew up in a family with mediocre conditions, but he was favored by his patriarchal uncle as a little prince.
In the fourth grade, my cousin quarreled about learning basketball, and my uncle saved money for half a year and finally signed him up for a basketball training class.
But after a month of study, he began to have various reasons not to go: the summer was too hot, there was too much homework, the training school was too far away...
The uncle was sad about the tuition fee, but he was even more distressed about his precious son.
So he agreed that his cousin would no longer go to basketball class.
Later, my cousin's grades were always counted down, and my anxious uncle worked overtime to save money to enroll him in an after-school cram school. My cousin was still in high spirits for a few weeks and was reluctant to go.
The uncle did not fight or scold as usual, and he went.
The cousin thus developed the habit of giving up when he encountered difficulties.
Two years ago, my uncle suddenly received a text message from a loan shark saying that his cousin owed them 40,000 yuan.
It turned out that the cousin who claimed to be preparing for the civil servant exam at home felt that the preparation for the exam was too hard, so he indulged in playing games and unconsciously owed this debt.
The day after the East Window incident, my cousin hurried to find a job delivering takeaways, and every day the wind came and went.
Once I was chatting with my cousin, I asked him if he was hard?
His eyes were a little moist, and he replied, "If only my father had forced me before, it wouldn't be like this now." ”
I was speechless for a moment and didn't know how to answer the phone.
How many people regret it when they become adults stems from giving up in their youth.
And such a renunciation could have been prevented by parents.
I am reminded of a sentence in the "Tsinghua Xueba Teaching ZiJing": "Parents should understand that when their children are young, they lack self-control, and it is the norm not to take the initiative to learn and other difficult things, and the initiative is not the norm." ”
When the child "does not take the initiative", if the parents are soft for a while and agree to the child to give up, then what is exchanged for this is not necessarily the child's gratitude, but it may be a complaint.
Because the children who have been "not forced" since childhood have obtained a relaxed and happy childhood, what awaits them for the rest of their lives will be a life of inaction, and the regrets when they dream back in the middle of the night.
They will blame themselves countless times for why they gave up so easily; if they were forced to persevere, would their lives be different now?
Parents are the ferrymen of their children
Don't be soft when you should be cruel
I once read such a sentence on the Internet: "Don't expect children to be self-conscious on the road to education." ”
Deeply.
Teacher Li Meijin once said: "The growth of children is staged, 12 years old is the key period for children's character development, whether children can become talents, the key depends on whether there is "discipline" in place at various stages before the age of 12. ”
The so-called "discipline" must contain the element of "persecution".
The child is still young, the values have not been formed, and the self-control is not stable. If parents uphold the concept of "happy education", raise their children and obey their children's wishes, then the future of such children is doomed to be mediocre.
Only the appropriate "persecution", let the child do the right thing at the right age, and do not give up easily when it is time to persevere, so that the child can truly grasp his life and live an ideal life when he becomes an adult.
So, in the process of "forcing" the child, how to be effective without hurting the child?
Here are 3 points that will definitely help you:
1. Imagine a better future with your child after persistence
The neighbor's daughter began learning to dance at the age of 4 and has been doing it for 10 years now.
Learning to dance is such a hard thing, how does a little girl persist?
It turned out that every time the little girl cried and shouted that she didn't want to practice, her mother would show her the video of her idol Yi Ye Qianxi performing on the stage, and then patiently said on the side: "You see, your idol is so powerful, but he has paid a lot along the way!" ”
Then she told her daughter the story of how Yi Qianxi took the bus to different places every day to take a class before becoming famous, and how she practiced singing and dancing without rest throughout the day.
Seeing that the little girl's eyes were full of admiration, she said: I must also insist on becoming a dazzling person like Yi Qianxi!
After that, she continued to practice on the side.
In the process of learning, children will experience a period of boredom. At this time, parents can try to let their children stop and sketch a beautiful picture of the future with them, perhaps dancing on a brilliant stage, perhaps performing on the same stage with their idols, or standing at the door of the university of their choice...
Many times, the child does not want to insist because he only sees the bitterness in front of him and forgets the sweetness of the future.
Parents imagining the future with their children will help their children find the motivation to continue to persevere.
2. Ask the child the real reason for giving up
Li Yan failed several times in the piano exam, and she proposed that she wanted to give up and not take the exam.
Father Li Yapeng did not rebuke his daughter, but instead gently hugged her and gently asked her why she did not want to continue to take the exam, whether she thought the exam was too difficult, or for other reasons?
In the face of her father's patience and understanding, Li Yan finally opened her heart to tell Li Yapeng the real reason: "My mother is such a powerful singer, but I can't pass the exam, I'm afraid that others will laugh at me." ”
Finally, Li Yapeng constantly enlightened his daughter: "You are you, your mother is your mother, and you are different." Just do your best, but don't give up before you try. ”
The knot was untied, and Li Yan finally chose to stick to it and passed the piano level.
There is a saying that parents' understanding is a good medicine to cure their children.
When the child wants to give up, the parents should not use strong means to force the child, but should ask the reason, and then understand them from the child's point of view.
When they feel that their needs are respected and understood, the child will continue to follow the advice of his parents and stick to what he should do.
3. The attentive companionship of parents is the driving force for children to persevere
If asked", "What is the best gift for a child," I would answer without hesitation: "Companionship."
Especially when "forcing" children to read or practice their skills, the careful companionship of parents will become the motivation for children to persevere.
But in the process of accompanying children, we must pay attention to these 3 points:
Put down your phone and be companyable
Many parents are used to looking at their mobile phones from time to time when accompanying their children, and some even look at mobile phones the whole time.
Such companionship will not only interfere with the child's attention, but may also cause the child to have feelings that you do not pay attention to him.
When accompanying children, you should put down the mobile phone as much as possible, devote yourself wholeheartedly, and carefully watch every word written by the child, every picture drawn, and every song played, so that the child will feel your concern and care, and he will be more willing to stick to it.
Do a good job of emotional management, do not reprimand
In the process of learning, children will inevitably have times when they are not doing well enough. But if at this time, parents are emotionally out of control and loudly rebuke the child because of the child's mistakes, then the child may also be disgusted with learning itself while being frightened.
So no matter what happens, parents should do a good job of emotional management and communicate with their children in a gentle way, rather than rude rebuke.
Give your child timely feedback
The company of parents is not only to prevent children from feeling lonely, but more importantly, to give feedback to children during their practice.
"Deliberate Practice" mentions: "No matter what you try to do, you need feedback to accurately discern where you are still deficient and how you can have these deficiencies." ”
In addition to the children themselves, parents are also important candidates for feedback.
Where does this playing sound less fluent? Which word in this ancient poem is wrong? Which part of this brush character is not so similar?
As long as parents are careful, they can give some feedback. And this feedback will allow children to find problems and continue to improve.
The famous American writer Anna Kundran once said: "Some roads are very long, and it will be very tiring to go down, but if you don't go, you will regret it." ”
However, compared with a momentary tiredness, the regret for the rest of the life is more difficult to bear.
Therefore, when the children are young, parents should "force" the children to do not let them choose comfort prematurely at the hard age, otherwise what awaits them will be deep remorse.
Only children who are "forced" to grow up from an early age will exercise perseverance stronger than ordinary people and the courage to overcome difficulties. Such a child will have more choices after adulthood and can live the life they yearn for.
Education is very beautiful, the road is very difficult, today's parents must have a stronger heart, for their children to adhere to the correct education.
Parents must let their children understand that only by resisting the bitterness of youth can they appreciate the sweetness of the future.
Agree to the point of "watching".