The two most ruthless routines in the world, one is "mental manipulation" and the other is "emotional manipulation", we must have a deep understanding of these two routines! Everyone must be on high alert.
I highly recommend the roundtable show, and my luck in meeting it in 2019 gave me a lot to think about. Having a bunch of friends, chatting together, is a happy thing.
The latest issue of "Round Table Pie" invited a doctor of psychology, the topic is the sense of boundaries and PUA, the host Dou Wentao and three guests will discuss this topic more comprehensively, and triggered some of my thinking.
"People have the same heart, and they have the same heart." From the "64th Rule of the Hearth Night Talk", it refers to "empathy".
It seems that many people will fall into the misunderstanding, I am obviously for your own good, empathy with you, empathy, interpersonal friendship, love, family communication is often the basis of empathy, feelings. Or I want to urge you to complete it together out of kindness, or for the purpose of accomplishing something together, or I see that you have inappropriate places that need to be corrected, to guide you kindly, how did it become a PUA?
Professor Xu Zidong has an argument that in a small range, you can fully be yourself, and there is also emotional flow, generating creativity to express yourself; large-scale social life is to generate use value and obtain survival resources by acting as a tool.
So people who will involve PUA relationships are often wrong to mix material judgments in the personal emotional field and add unnecessary emotions to the material life field.
In fact, from the point of view of separation, losing oneself in intimate relationships is often because you cannot accept it, you cannot accept the real other party in the moment, and you cannot accept your true self at all. When judging others, this power of judgment is also judging oneself.
In "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist", Dr. Heron tells The Toad two ways to judge others.
One is a complete inheritance of what parents look like when they criticize others;
One is to silently criticize yourself in the way your parents criticize others,
This is why some eldest sons appear aggressive, and some good old men appear depressed.
The relationship between parents is still like this, and the relationship between relatives and friends and romantic relationships in general is also the same. Therefore, the puA incident is often that the sense of boundary is not clear enough, or the people in the material life circle and the people in the life circle are highly mixed, resulting in the parties constantly switching between the two states, resulting in self-confusion.
This "unacceptable" and "air" versus "air" theoretical battle.
For example, when parents see the childish and immature side of the real "me", they default to the fact that the child is also like this outside, thinking that he must correct it, otherwise he will suffer losses and carry out some theoretical counseling. But no one wants to listen to other people's reasoning, especially for things that have not yet happened.
This is what Wang Yangming said- "People need to grind in things to stand." Empty talk theory has no effect, only practice can produce experience, if the child has no thinking through this matter, can not get any experience, it means that he has not yet reached the time to get this "experience", it may also be completely a change of times, the parents' "experience" has not been applicable, the child to deal with the problem is completely fine.
I remember when I was a child, I told my father what interesting things happened to the little animals in the house, and my father would say: It is that kind of creature. In fact, Dad's words imply great wisdom, simply acknowledging that cats and cats are cats and cats, dogs are dogs, and also respect their living habits, understand and tolerate them.
But when it comes to treating people, we often can't be so tolerant. Especially the people around you, why do the people around you quarrel more, because there is more contact, but also because of love, the closer the distance, the more you see each other, the more you want to pay for each other, and ignore yourself. In the end, I was tired, and the other party did not appreciate it, shouting "You PUA me!"
To sum it up
The first group of PUA, compared to persuading or finding a teacher to learn things, the essence of PUA is to achieve the other party's personal goals, try to change and manipulate you, rather than let us make our own heartfelt judgments based on our own experience and knowledge, here Xu Zidong teacher uses himself as an example to teach students to write papers and other teaching
The second group: tool people & boundaries, just as chaplin screwed in the modern era, tools are produced in the process of modernization development, because of the employment relationship, during the work is actually to use themselves as tool people, and to deal with this problem we need to set up our own boundaries, inside and outside the boundaries, (such as if you feel that you like your own career, you can also go home or from other places to enrich your experience, rather than simply work) Here or Xu Zidong teacher proposed Mr. Lu Xun's three boundaries (1, Don't be too bitter, 2, don't belong to the only family, 3, don't sell meat, it can be understood that don't let the writing of articles write advertisements, which is actually for cultural people is selling meat)
There are also different relationships in the tool man, the first social relationship (between relatives, unconditional giving and love), the second social relationship (between friends)
For my personal hard goods and new understandings:
1 Buddha-nature - looking at its roots and attaining it (Yi Jun)
2 The most fundamental difference between man and animal: Man believes in fiction
3 "Land Criminals" Yan Geling - Film and Television Drama "Return"
In fact, many young people in big cities now lack a sense of identity in the workplace, and I often can't find my own sense of accomplishment, which is actually a social phenomenon, try more to build up my confidence and understanding, do a good job at once, slowly accumulate and cultivate the habit of gradually improving my pride, and will slowly achieve a positive cycle.