Source | Happiness formula original
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Long Xiangyang, a father over 50 years old. He asked for help from the Jiangxi Metropolis Channel's large-scale psychological assistance program "Happiness Formula", saying that he had necrosis of the femoral head in his left leg and almost lost the ability to work, but compared with the physical pain, Long Xiangyang's most helpless and most worried was his son Long Ming, who was under 15 years old, because he was addicted to games, the child often did not go to school, and the father and son frequently broke out into conflicts. After receiving the request for help, the psychological counselor Huang Yuxuan and the reporter rushed to Long Xiangyang's home at the first time - Xiangtang Town, Nanchang City, Jiangxi Province.
Mr. Long: The main thing is to solve this Internet addiction, quit it, children are greedy to play, play games hard, as soon as they come back from school, they play, and they don't want to read books.
Long Xiangyang, 55, helplessly told psychological counselor Huang Yuxuan that his son was now addicted to games and could not extricate himself, not only he could not help it, but even the school teachers had lost confidence in their children.
Mr. Long: "If you don't let me play, I'll kill you" He often said, if you don't quit the net, we can't live at all. Every day he quarreled and asked for money, if he didn't give him money, he would beat me, so that my father would say that if he continued like this, he could only be driven away, and the police station also reported the case, but he couldn't manage it.
Long Xiangyang said that some time ago, without his knowledge, his son secretly took his bank card to recharge the game for more than two thousand yuan.
Mr. Long: I was very angry, I beat him, and he didn't come home for two or three nights after school, so I drove him away, and he came back again, and there was no way he got the key.
Because of the accidental fall that caused Long Xiangyang's left leg hip femoral head necrosis, all these years the old father and mother helped to take care of the child, and he himself has not yet gathered enough money to go to the operation.
Mr. Long: Now the main source is that I drive a motorcycle to maintain the family's life, after I have surgery, I don't know if I can work, and I have to put a fake bone into it, and the doctor said that whether I can work is still unknown.
It is precisely because his family is poor that he puts all his hopes on his son, but the result disappoints him completely!
Mr. Long: When I was a child, he was quite good at reading, that is, he liked to play online games, but now his grades are getting worse and worse, and he is fascinated by this online game.
So, why did the teenager who loved to learn in the past become the current Internet addicted teenager?
Mr. Long: I tell him every day, you don't play this game, read well, read it out and find a better job in the future. He didn't listen, couldn't teach and didn't have time to manage.
Long Xiangyang said that because he is the only labor force in the family, he is tired of life in the early and late, and he rarely cares about his son in these years, resulting in almost normal communication between father and son.
Mr. Long: My grandparents brought up, my wife was born for two or three months, she worked outside, worked for a year or two, and divorced when she was almost two or three years old.
Speaking of sadness, Long Xiangyang couldn't help but cry, the father and son once had a conflict, and the son actually said that he wanted to kill him! And the child's grandfather is often angry about this and has a heart attack.
On the one hand, worried about his son Long Ming's accident, on the other hand, he was disheartened by his son, And Long Xiangyang even threatened to drive the child away, so what is the problem in this family?
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: What kind of way do you usually communicate with your son?
Mr. Long: I just beat him, and when he didn't obey, he hit him with a broomstick.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: Talk, hit, rush, right? That's the trilogy, do you think it's useful?
Mr. Long: It didn't work.
In Teacher Huang's view, these practices of Long Xiangyang will only exacerbate the contradictions and estrangement between father and son.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: Communicate with his father, you will find that his father will repeatedly say a few words, this child is useless, no rescue, this is not out of the way, basically all of them are negative words. This way of education in the trilogy is actually very simple or even a little rough. He loves his son very much, but whether this expression and behavior of loving his son, including the way of parenting, is really suitable for his son, it is possible that he really did not think about whether this way was suitable for his children, so when he was patient on the surface to persuade his son, the language was aggressive.
So, how does Long Xiangyang communicate with his son?
Mr. Long: Take the mobile phone, hurry, take it out quickly, hear no, take it out, what are you thinking, you don't want to read, you give me away, I told you, I can't control you, your teacher also said, people like you don't listen to a little, what's the use? Tell you to study and fight, you don't take it, let you go, people like you can't afford to raise you, capitalists can't afford to support you.
The boy in the blue down jacket is Long Ming (pseudonym), 15 years old he looks white and thin, it is difficult for us to connect him with the image of the boy who tried to beat his father, at this moment Long Xiangyang kept pulling his son's arm and saying all kinds of threatening words, and Long Ming has been lying on a cardboard box, accompanied by his father's accusations and pulls, his head is closer to the cardboard box again and again, seeing such a scene, the psychological teacher interrupted the pull between father and son.
Teacher Huang, a psychological counselor, simply said a few words to Long Ming, and he came to face Teacher Huang very positively, which shows that the communication between father and son is often ineffective.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: The child's father directly rushed into the son's door, there was no knocking action, he used a kind of behavior of rushing in, directly grabbed the child's hand and said, take the mobile phone out, what do you want to do, but also came out according to his normal language habits and even his way of thinking, let the son directly take the mobile phone out, when the child's head is low, the back is some side for his father, this micro-action actually means that I don't want to have any communication and conflict with you, And the father was still aggressive on the side, and kept saying hurtful words in his mouth. From this short few minutes can be seen, he usually goes to communicate with the child in this way, suppose you think about it if you change a scene is very gentle to say, son, now this we can not sit down and calmly chat, where your mobile phone is placed, we will play the game on the mobile phone to communicate about this matter, we plan the time, how to separate our learning time and play the game time, I believe that the next scene is not like this.
Teacher Huang, a psychological counselor, pointed out that there was a big problem with the communication method between Long Xiangyang and his son Long Ming. In the face of the persuasion of the psychological counselor Teacher Huang, Long Xiangyang is still accusing his son of all kinds of wrongs, and Long Xiangyang's father also participated in the process of asking for a mobile phone after seeing his grandson playing a game.
Long Xiangyang's father suddenly walked in, grabbed his grandson Long Ming's clothes with force, and was stopped by the intervention of the psychology teacher, after which he began to rummage around the bedroom for his grandson's mobile phone. And Long Ming did not look at his father and grandfather facing the wall, it seems that in this family, Long Xiangyang and his parents have been using the strength of their parents, verbal violence, and physical violence to discipline their children. And in the process of communicating with Teacher Huang, Long Xiangyang repeatedly said that his son's bad temper was like his ex-wife.
Long Xiangyang was not aware of his own problem, so in Long Ming's mind, how did he view his father?
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: Dad pulled you to get your mobile phone, what was your feeling in your heart at that time?
Long Ming: I don't want to give it to him, it's particularly uncomfortable.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: From the perspective of a father, is he still more hard, do you recognize him?
Long Ming: Nod.
Even if his father treated him like that, at this moment, Long Ming still nodded his head in recognition of his father's dedication to this family and to him, which allowed us to see that although the rebellious and stubborn Long Ming was still very soft and kind in his heart.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: Do such conflicts often occur in normal times?
Long Ming: Well, there will be.
Counselor Huang: When your father talked to us, he even said that he wanted to kill him because he moved his hand. I was guessing how angry you would be to say such a thing.
Long Ming: I didn't think so at the time, because I was very angry at the time.
Long Ming said that in the game, he has a lot of friends who can play games together and talk together, which is one of the reasons why he likes to play games. The psychological counselor and Long Xiangyang analyzed the child's psychology and pointed out the crux of the problem.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: The child is in adolescence, adolescence must have his own ideas, he will feel that his father does not understand me, my grandmother does not understand me, my grandfather does not understand me, so why should I communicate with you, then what might I do? Find the world I want. In fact, it is not that they really want to indulge in the Internet, because in this family, he can't find a spiritual companion, and he has to find a spiritual companion in the game.
Psychological counselor Huang Yuxuan analyzed Long Xiangyang that at home, he and his grandparents were only responsible for the child's food, clothing, shelter and transportation, but they did not care about the child's inner world, and there were problems with their education methods and communication methods. So, in such a family, is the child happy?
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: Have a memory, the happiest thing, what do you think?
Long Ming: I can't remember.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: In what ways do you want your father to make corrections and make adjustments.
Long Ming: He will only scold me.
Counselor Huang: Assuming that our time is only one day, who would you most like to spend with?
Long Ming: Family.
It can be seen that although his father and grandparents always scolded him in this family, Long Ming still loved his father and grandparents deeply.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: I don't want to go to school, so what if I say, let you learn a craft?
Long Ming: Hmm.
Teacher Huang, a psychological counselor: If you have such an idea in your heart, you have to start looking for it.
Listening to the words of the psychological counselor Teacher Huang, Long Ming also promised that Teacher Huang would go to class on time, finish junior high school, and learn a skill to support himself after graduation. So, is Long Xiangyang aware of his problem?
Counselor Huang: As a father, what do you think is there in educating your son?
Mr. Long: I can't do education, I just scold, I haven't read any books, and I only went to primary school.
Psychological counselor Teacher Huang: He slowly changed it, and if he changed, he was a good child.
Mr. Long: Yeah, he just won't change.
Counselor Huang: You have to believe that he will change.
Under the guidance of the psychological counselor, Long Xiangyang also realized his problem, he said that he would slowly correct it, and hoped that his son could slowly get better.
The father and son reconciled and embraced under the witness of the psychological counselor, and this hug Long Xiangyang suddenly sobbed, perhaps he thought of his son Long Ming who did not have his mother's love since childhood, and he cared very little about his son as a father, and he blamed himself and shed tears, or perhaps felt that Long Ming had endured too much of his insults, guilt and tears.
Finally, the psychological counselor Teacher Huang proposed a happiness formula to Long Xiangyang.
To manage your emotions, instead of blindly pushing the child outward, you must seriously communicate with your son and stand in the role of a father to communicate with your son.
The atmosphere and environment at home are recommended to make corresponding adjustments and improvements, and their own families have certain roles missing, including poor communication in the family atmosphere, which leads to some personality and cognitive deviations in children.
Children play games, he himself also said that he can find friends in the game, it is conceivable that the degree of attention of children is very high, after all, it is 15 years old, and they are teenagers, hoping that they can be concerned, cared for and even cared for, he needs these psychological comforts, if a person's psychological food is not sufficient, it is easy to make himself feel that there is no sense of value, so this point should give him enough psychological food.
Finally, at the request of Long Xiangyang, his son Long Ming wrote a letter of guarantee and signed it.
Long Ming read the guarantee: I guarantee that I will not play mobile phones at noon every day, eat on time, play for an hour and a half after writing homework at night, do not charge money for mobile phone games, go to class on time every day, go to the grandparents' house in the countryside for two days on weekends, and go to bed at 9:30 pm every night.
It seems that Long Ming himself has made up his mind, and he also hopes that he can get better and better. He folded a few paper airplanes and threw them into the sky.
Long Ming: I want to start over.
The paper airplane bravely attacked the sky in the sun, at this moment, the sunset was just right, the breeze was just right, and we sincerely hoped that this moment could become the starting point of this 15-year-old teenager's new beginning. Long Ming, come on!