There is a passage in Dangerous Relationships: "The great pain of intimate betrayal has nothing to do with the loss of power, the loss of value is the root cause of the pain - you feel less endearing." ”
This feeling of not being loved will make countless wives fall into the strange pit of contemplation and grievance.
Men neither sincerely return nor live a good life, nor do they reflect deeply and sincerely apologize.
The wife was powerless to resist, but she could not heal the pain in her heart. Marriage is at an impasse....cracking this mystery, perhaps only in a single thought.
During the relationship between Vivi and her current husband, because he had always been unable to break contact with his ex-girlfriend, the two were separated and merged many times.
But because the man was the first man after Vivi became an adult, he finally chose to reconcile and then get married. After marriage, the child was born smoothly, and the happy family of three made Vivi very satisfied.
Just when Vivi was busy taking care of the children, she accidentally found that her husband and ex-girlfriend had reunited.
This made Vivi very angry, thinking that this woman's ghost was not scattered, married, and came to mix. Vivi was very determined to ask the man to cut off contact, but the man was hesitant and said to give him time.
Upon hearing this, Vivi was even more angry, did it take time to break off a relationship, and it would be finished to directly block and delete it. The man's inaction made Wei Wei immediately find Xiao San's contact information and prepare to give her a dismount.
The man's side is also very emotionally unstable, and when Vivi asks him why he did this, the man gives the explanation that he feels that his parents-in-law look down on him and hurt his self-esteem, and he wants to use this way to get revenge on Vivi.
This explanation also made Vivi confused, is it really her own family's problem?
On the third side, Vivi sent her a message, asking her to quickly get away from her life, otherwise she would directly serve the pennant.
Later, the man told Vivi that the two men had broken off.
I thought that after repelling The Third, the man could change his mind and completely return to the family. But Vivi found that the man has always been ghostly recently, looking like a lost love, and he loves to ignore her at home. Seeing this ghostly look of a man, Vivi was even more unwilling.
It was as if he had ruined his love and beat the Mandarin Duck with a stick!
The man sighed at home all day, and when he saw her husband's attitude, Vivi was both sad and angry.
The two people were so consumed, Vivi didn't know what to do. The child is still young, she cannot divorce, and the main breadwinner of the family is the man, and it is difficult to live without him.
But without leaving, she still couldn't swallow this breath in her heart, and in the face of the man's indifference, Vivi was really very distressed.
And it has seriously affected her life and work, and she is depressed in her heart, and even once she almost drove to jump into the river, but when she thinks of her young children, she softens her heart.
The child has no mother, and with such a father, how can she give up. For the sake of her children, for the sake of her parents, she also has to live.
Although there was no desire to seek death, back in this marriage full of rifts, Vivi was also full of depression.
From the time she knew that the man was cheating on her, to the time after he went home after he broke off three times, Vivi could not eat and lost 10 pounds.
Finally, this bad situation let the in-laws see it. Later, under the coercion of the in-laws, the man also wrote a letter of guarantee, guaranteeing that he would never cheat again, and if there was a next time, he would automatically give up the custody of the child.
But even so, it is difficult to erase the trauma in Vivi's heart, the damage has been caused, how to maintain the future marriage, and whether there is a chance to repair the relationship with the man has become her confusion.
01 What is it like for a husband to cheat and not really return to life, nor to live a good life?
Derailment is only intended to deviate from the normal track and does not break the law. But why can it be the number one killer of marriage? The pain is not only the destruction of a home, but also the possibility of ruining a person's life or even several people associated with it? Why it has such a great lethality is actually rooted in the thinking and inner strength of the derailed person.
First of all, a lot of infidelity has no warning, shatters many people's fantasies about marriage and love (especially women), and leads to difficulty accepting reality.
Many sisters in the Si sister group just had the naïveté of "people in the world cheating, and their husbands will not cheat". However, all sentient beings, I don't know one day that you may be one of them.
Too many people inadvertently, or because of a phone call, a WeChat, or a sunny afternoon, a hair, a Taobao record, so suddenly told themselves - he cheated! At that moment, you are dizzy, do not believe that this is the truth, must be something wrong, all kinds of reasons to convince yourself.
However, facts are facts, and you cannot believe them or not. Once this seed of doubt is planted in your heart, many things that follow are already out of your mind. You start to have to look up his phone, check his location, check his room opening records.
Check once to confirm, an invisible knife stabbed himself once, the pain was so painful that he couldn't breathe...
Our feelings of so many years, and children, how could he do this to me? However, the other party cannot empathize.
"Why did he do this to me"? "How could he be like this"? "I want to hear if he's been tricked?"
At first, almost all of them will be carried away by this emotion. Grief, anger, and instinct will be hysterical and showdowns with men.
You are heartbroken, thinking that he will also hate to die, will hold you, soothe your pain, will tell you that he is wrong, he is just confused, he will immediately break off relations with him, let you dispose of it, he will spend his whole life to atone for his sins...
Unfortunately, men with a high probability of cheating will be very calm, because they have expected it on this day.
Some people may say" I am sorry for you, but you are really too strong, I am very comfortable with her, but I still have you in my heart...";
A more affectionate person may also kneel, apologize, slap himself, and say "just a momentary impulse."
However, "impulsive" you will also easily find "often impulsive" later on.
You think "should", "must", why can't he do it, because he doesn't want to do it.
Even if you kneel down and apologize and say, "Break off right away, no more contact," or "break it off long ago," as long as after a while, you find out that you are the biggest fool, cheated by him and his lover.
You find your expectations, your forgiveness, worthless. His knees, his repentance, are just stabilizing you.
You grab him and say out loud ,"Divorce! "In fact, you yourself know that you don't want to divorce deep down, and the divorce just wants to force him to come back." Isn't it something he should have done to cut off the outside and come back to live a good life?
When men hear about divorce, they may once again say to you affectionately "I will not divorce, I can't bear you, the child is so small, how can you bear it".
A sentence of "reluctant to you" made the woman see hope again, feeling that he should be given a chance for the sake of the child, and the man vowed that "I will deal with it, you give me some time".
This matter seems to be over, the woman thinks about the feelings of so many years, even if it is for the sake of the child, give him some time.
But I know very well that no matter how hard you try, life doesn't seem to go back to the past.
Those pictures of him with other women, his sweet words with her, torment you to death and life, all night long and sleepless.
In the end, you are in pain, he can't see it, but he feels that you are not living a good life, and it is you who make the whole family unrestful. You start to hate yourself for not being independent enough to make a decision on the spot.
You think that your pain is brought by him, he should atone for his sins, but he feels that you are uneasy, said to live a good life but still does not believe him "long ago, you do not believe me, how to live this day"?
You throw the evidence in his face, but he says, "I don't want her, I don't want you, and I don't want to have children." I'm not going to get divorced, I love you." Hearing this, you don't know what to do again, and the written divorce agreement has not been taken out.
Once, twice, and then the woman says divorce again, he simply ignores you. But they will still take care of the children, they will give it to you financially as before, and most of the time they will still go home.
In this way, you don't know how to get rid of it, your emotions are out of control, you start to blame yourself, hate yourself, hate yourself why you can't get the knife in your hand, why can't you take it and can't put it down?
Under such emotions, repeatedly, how can work, life, and children live well?
02 Whether his attitude is good or not, in fact, it has nothing to do with you
Many sisters, including Vivi, are also obsessed with whether the man's attitude toward returning to the family is good or not. I feel that as long as he has a sincere attitude and is kind to himself, we will open the door and warmly welcome him back, without blame.
But if his attitude hadn't changed, and he hadn't been down three or four, then we wouldn't have chosen to forgive him.
Is this putting yourself under the control of men?
Although Vivi's husband said that he returned to the family, he did not have a low performance, which exceeded the expectations of women, and did not play cards according to common sense.
Vivi feels that men don't really want to come back at all, not to say that they are grateful to themselves, at least to please themselves. There was no, a huge sense of loss, turned into anger.
The attack on men began, and between the sexes, once hostility occurred, then the result could not be imagined. You two are not grasshoppers tied to a line, you throw a shell at him, he throws an atomic bomb at you, and both lose.
Obviously, at least it is not good for yourself, the benefits that should be taken may not be obtained, and it will also make men can't stand you and stay away from you.
Voila, chickens fly eggs fight.
This is a bad attitude, so what if he returns with a good attitude? He greets you with a warm greeting, a begging attitude, eager to kneel down and make you a cow and a horse, in order to ask for your forgiveness.
You may not be able to stand this blunt knife grinding flesh, you don't want to separate, and finally the sugar-coated shell takes you down.
You finally forgive him, full of joy that the days have returned to before, but not long after, he cheated again, or just kept the threesome unbroken, pacified you, and went to Find Xiao San again.
You say that anger is not bad, bad is not bad.
In summary, his attitude is good or bad, you have to think clearly about what you want, what your purpose is, you can't be taken astray by him, off the right track.
Whether he is truly returning or not is not necessarily related to whether his attitude is good or not.
In the fake return, the man is still very sincere, but it is only to temporarily stabilize the family, so as to protect the interests, and then he will find opportunities to cheat.
But because of his actions, you have made your own life chaotic and emotionally ups and downs. One will have expectations, the other will fall into the trough.
But if you abandon this concept, whether he has a good attitude or not has nothing to do with you. Even if he gives you a kneeling prostration and waits for you every day, do you have to have your own framework standards?
You have betrayed your family and done wrong things, and it is impossible for me to forgive you because you have a good attitude.
I'll still do what I'm supposed to do, and I'll re-examine whether you're worth it. Of course, your attitude is not good, that is even more unqualified, I will not forgive directly, I continue to live my own life, you are like, can not affect me.
Carry out "subject separation" and let go of your little expectations, otherwise the expectations will always lead you to disaster.
03 No matter how he is, you have your own path to go
1. Practice being mentally independent.
The question I often hear is: Sister Si, what should I do if he keeps begging me to forgive me? Sister Si, he has been back for a while and has performed well, what should I do? Sister Si, he has returned for a while, and now he has become the former disregard, is it that he feels that I do not forgive, so he gives up?
Let's analyze these sentences, it's all about him, what should I do?
May I ask you, should our whole body and mind be swayed by this man? He came to kneel and lick, I looked like a queen on high, he did not kneel and lick, I was afraid of losing him, should I also show goodness and let him taste some sweetness and hang him?
Sisters, remember: what he does is his behavior, please open your God perspective, treat all this as a drama that is being chased, you also want to see, what is the end?
We are the cold-eyed bystanders, from the perspective of an audience, to examine him, to watch him, not to participate in him with a sense of truth.
He knelt down on both knees, tears in his eyes and snot as he said he was going back. Okay, I'll see what your return looks like. Occasionally I get caught with evidence of cheating, sorry, you don't deserve my trophy, in my heart, you have been kicked out.
Keep you, only because of profit.
If he does well on the way back, so be it! One more person sent me money to send me a bag, and also cooked for me with a baby pipe second old, which is much better than I hired a babysitter.
As for whether to truly forgive, besides, at this stage, sweetheart and cold mouth is the trick we should use.
2. The return is that he is walking alone, and the most important thing for you now is to firmly grasp the interests.
Men return to the family, often not because they love their wives more, but because after weighing the pros and cons, the benefits brought by their wives are definitely more than the little three.
And when a woman takes advantage of the wonderful moment when this husband claims to return, the most important thing is not to entangle whether he loves you or not, whether he returns, and does not forgive; but to tightly pinch the benefits and protections he can give you.
For example: sign a marital property agreement, notarize the house in your name, directly give you how much cash, buy a suite for your parents; or buy various insurance for your children to ensure that even if he cheats and has an illegitimate child in the future, your child's quality of life will not decline.
Sisters, there are too many things you have to do in this set, don't trap yourself in crying and crying, grinding out the patience of men, and exhausting the benefits you can have.
As for how to get along with this man, do you understand the social measure like a colleague? After all, they are all baby partners, and there is no need to lead people to smash furniture.
After the benefits are in hand, we will strive to enhance our social value. Not to make you how attractive you are to be able to firmly attract this man.
It's about giving you the ability to turn around in the face of any future betrayal. Go to work, go social, read, exercise... Stick to one thing for three years and five years, and I'm sure you'll see opportunities to appreciate you follow.
Finally, after walking through six steps, can we go back to the past?
No, it only means that he is only eligible to be forgiven.
Some women watched their husbands take six steps and ran to Si Jie with ecstasy: "He is doing so well now, he has done everything he should do, can I love him well again?" ”
Seeing that the sisters after the injury can smile again, Sister Si is also very pleased. But what I want to remind everyone more is: if one day in the future, he stops doing this, what will you do? Once again overwhelmed by his snub?
After the lesson of a man's cheating, we must learn something from it, otherwise the painful and lonely nights will be wasted.
No matter what he does or does not do, we still adhere to the principle of serving the main line of our lives, and our emotions should never be controlled by him again.
The six steps he took were his own path of atonement, and for us, it was finally possible to include him in the fish pond and qualify for screening.
In these six long steps, the gradually growing woman has already had a lot: the ability to earn money, the independent will, the tenacious character, the strong self-discipline, and perhaps a few people who appreciate their own opposite sex, and he is still worthy of me who has been moving forward? Or is it not my best choice for now and in the future? Can it still provide me with the economic and emotional value I want?
At that time, you can make choices according to your own needs and realities, you can also be responsible for your own choices, even if in the end you forgive, life goes on, your mentality has changed, no longer afraid of cheating; no longer unconditional dependence and so on.
Yes, everyone has their own path to go, the road is under their feet, and it is a good thing to learn to rely on yourself.
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