Some people say that Xu Zheng's "Love Myth" performed the helplessness of middle-aged love, in fact, in the "Love Call Transfer" many years ago, he had already staged the reality of middle-aged marriage.
There is a classic clip in the movie, Xu Zheng sits at the dinner table as usual, eating with his wife relatively wordlessly, the unchanged wife, the life of a head at a glance, he is like an inflatable pufferfish, suddenly stimulated to discouragement.
He yelled at his wife like a cannonball: "You always wear a purple sweater at home, I hate purple the most, fried sauce noodles four times a week, it will always be the same TV series, the same fried sauce noodles, and can you eat fried sauce noodles without letting the noodles keep going in circles in your mouth..."
The wife was stunned by the sudden accusations, and the two divorced.
This kind of picture is staged in the lives of many people, in Zhou Xun and Aya's variety show "It's Nice to Know You", a female guest said in tears: She believes in love, not in marriage.
When I first got married, it was similar to the state of love, and my life was very sweet.
After having a child, the mother-in-law helped with the child, the couple both went to work, and they were very busy, and after everything was done, it was half past eleven, and the two people played with their own mobile phones, there was nothing to say, it was particularly terrible.
Without infidelity and fierce conflict, why do the once romantic feelings fade? Does love disappear for no reason?
Greedy Dopamine argues that the dopamine in the brain controls our desires, imaginations, impulses, and creativity, influencing every aspect of our lives.
Love begins with dopamine, but it can't end with dopamine, because dopamine is never satisfied, it just says "I want more".
In 1957, Catherine Montague, a researcher at a hospital, discovered dopamine in the brain, and she found that when dopamine is activated, people "feel good." Therefore, scientists named dopamine "happy molecules", and the pathway that produces dopamine in the brain is called the "reward circuit".
How does dopamine reward us?
In the classic "monkey light bulb experiment," scientists implant microelectrodes where dopamine cells in macaque monkeys' brains congregate, and then put the monkeys into a device with two light bulbs and two boxes.
Every once in a while, a light bulb comes on, one of which lights indicates that there is food in the box on the right, and another light that indicates that there is food in the box on the left.
Although the monkeys took a while, they quickly found the pattern.
At first, they will randomly open the box, they do not know if there is food in the box, if there is, the monkey's dopamine cells will be activated, they are very satisfied.
After finding the regularity of the signal, as long as the monkeys see the light bulb on, they will accurately find the box with the error, so the timing of their release of dopamine has changed from the moment of opening the box to the moment when the light bulb is lit.
What does this prove?
In the beginning, it was uncertain which box contained the food, and the monkey's surprise came from finding the box with the food. Later they realized that lighting up meant they could find food, and the surprise turned out which light would come on.
The same goes for people's emotional pursuits, and in the movie "The Best Of Times" it says that you want to be with him and he wants to be with you, you know you're going to be together but don't know when you're going to be together, that's the best time.
The impulse and novelty of dopamine comes from the uncertainty of expectations.
When you are not together, you receive a message from the other party, you don't know what you said, and you will be full of expectations. After a long time together, what the other party will do and say is mostly expected, and the dopamine impulse also fades, and the novelty disappears.
So love is really going to go away.
In many cheating stories, the person concerned originally had a happy life, "but the day of good end, but I have to go outside to find excitement."
Indeed, dopamine is greedy, and it pushes you to constantly pursue things that exceed expectations, more excitement and surprises, just like many people who have obviously been financially free and successful, but still do not want to retire and want higher achievements.
There is an interesting saying in Greedy Dopamine.
Look down and what will you see? Your hands, the floor of your desk, maybe a cup of coffee, a laptop, or a newspaper, you can touch them all.
Look up, what do you see? The ceiling, the drawings on the walls, or the things outside the windows, the trees, the houses, the buildings, the clouds in the sky, and the things in the distance. If you want to touch them, you have to spend some effort, even with the help of tools.
Everything can be divided into two kinds, within reach, and requires a certain amount of thinking, planning, and effort to get it.
For the brain, this distinction is a dividing line, flanked by two very different ways of thinking and coping with the world.
What is within reach is controlled by neurotransmitters that allow you to experience satisfaction and enjoy everything you have in the moment, while what takes effort to get is controlled by dopamine.
Dopamine inspires you to pursue, control, and have things that you can't have right away, not only material things, but also invisible knowledge, love, influence, and so on.
It makes people want endlessly, do not know satisfaction, but also let us take a longer-term view and pursue higher goals;
It allows you to experience the joy of success, and also makes success dull;
It puts you into a relationship, but it also lets the original affection be smoothed out by the years.
If love is destined to disappear, then the so-called wisdom of love is how to extend the validity of love.
Just like eating lollipops, some people like to chew it up and eat it quickly, and some people like to taste it a little bit, eat half of it, and even re-wrap it, and then reward themselves after overcoming a problem.
Lower your expectations and you'll feel more satisfied.
For example, if you have a birthday, it is expected that the other party will be like the person who shows affection in the short video, filling the trunk with flowers and cakes, surprising you, and sending you expensive gifts.
As a result, the other party just sent you a red envelope and accompanied you out for a meal, and you will be disappointed.
If you lower your expectations, this red envelope and this meal may appear very precious and make you feel happy.
Lower the expectations of love, we can have a normal heart, save love, and let it consume more slowly.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher believes that dopamine gives people early love, or "passionate love," which only lasts 12 to 18 months.
After that, a couple needs to develop a different kind of love to maintain attachment to each other, which is called "companion love."
"Passionate love" is dopamine-led— exciting, idealized, curious, and focused on the future.
The "love of companionship" is dominated by the molecules of the moment – to satisfy, to be at peace, and to experience through the senses and emotions of the body.
The process of "companionship love" requires two people who really want to accompany each other, and in an ordinary moment of getting along, transform the passion and intensity stimulated by dopamine into simple but warm companionship.
It takes two people to be willing to accept each other's faces and understand each other's souls.
Good love can start from appearance, eloquence, knowledge, and family situation, but it will definitely accompany you at last.
Author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.
Image | Visual China, Network (if there is infringement, please contact to delete)