"Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

48 "Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

4. Positive intentions are more valuable than good behaviors

The fourth shift that parents have to make is to shift their attention from the child's behavior to the child's will. A !️ person's will is the seed of value formation, the precursor !️ to a sense of responsibility. Parents who neglect to guide their children's wishes are equivalent to ignoring the source ☀️☀️☀️ of their children's valuable emotional experiences. At any time, the goal of parents is to try to guide the child's kindness, so that the child will be willing to be better for the parents and willing to accept the influence of the parents.

In order to do this, the first step must be to connect with the child and cultivate a parent-child relationship that is conducive to parenting. Then, parents can use their influence to guide their children to the right path. If we do a good job of emotional preparation first, we can guide the child to move in a good direction.

The !️ secret to guiding a toddler is to make him feel that he can control the steering wheel, just like in the playground, each toy car has its own small steering wheel, but these steering wheels actually cannot adjust the direction of the small train car, but the child grasps the steering wheel and will feel that he is driving.

However, if you can give your child real control, you will avoid some of the problems that can occur. For example, if you know that you will encounter some resistance when you leave the playground, then before leaving, do some emotional preparation to guide the child to cooperate with you, such as: "When you leave for a while, can you put your shoes on?" Accepting the matter of leaving may be difficult for the child, but whether he can put his shoes on well, the child will feel that when he leaves, he can control some things, and he will be more receptive.

When guiding older children, parents need to share some of their own values with their children, or dig out some values that are common to themselves. For example, we can share with our children how we handle frustration: "When frustrated, I don't offend anyone, and I'm often proud of it." I feel like you've grown up and can be like me. Would you like to give it a try?" For children who are usually nervous, we may need to give him some "preventive injections" before participating in activities, such as: "I know that you sometimes get carried away when you have fun, and when others tell you to stop, you will forget." Let's try to avoid this problem this time, shall we?" (It is also very necessary to do a good preventive guided dialogue, I will give Joy to everything, including letting her think and helping me think about how to make this thing more perfect)

Of course, even if the child is guided to a positive will, it does not mean that it will automatically lead to expected behaviors. Even adults don't always put good intentions into action. But things always have to start, and finding the right direction is the first step to the beginning.

Guiding the child's will means being aware of and paying attention to the child's will, not ours. So don't say things like "I want you..." "You need to..." "You must..." "I told you..." "You must..." (well, I've often ignored this part, and will be corrected later).

Instead, it is to guide the child to dig out their own wishes, and the parents can say: "I can believe that you will..." "Are you ready..." "Do you think you can handle it now", "Are you willing to try to remember it". Of course, sometimes parents also need to enforce their will (I did). However, if the parents' attitude is strong when imposing their own will on the child, or there is no basis for a good parent-child relationship, the final result will be counterproductive. (Okay, we had a good parent-child relationship)

Guiding children to get better is a safe and efficient parenting method that can transform children from the inside out. If it is something that cannot be solved by this method, then other methods cannot be useful... !️

At the same time as the guidance, parents must recognize the child's positive will. To support and encourage your child as much as possible:

"I know you don't want to do that either"

"It doesn't matter, you'll always do it"

"I know you didn't mean it, that's important." (I myself think that these few words are particularly useful for children 4-7.

The child's wishes need to be carefully cared for in order to mature the results. Only if parents have a relaxed attitude towards these inevitable failures, children will not give up easily in the face of failure.

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