"Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

47 "Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

3. Encourage your child to shed tears!!️, instead of rushing him to learn his lesson ❌

It's not easy to be a child, they have so much to learn:

Share the love of your parents with your younger siblings,

(Some time ago, a parent asked me: Why is the boss bad for the second brother?) Many of my families around me are like this?

I laughed when I listened, this problem was studied by Yue Yue when she was three years old, and it was planned to let Yue Yue be a sister to understand first and make some preparations! Checked out some articles, books about the birth of the second, family structure changes, adult psychology, what kind of changes will there be in behavior? Boss psychology, what kind of changes will there be in behavior! After understanding, I found many families, and I assumed that if there is blood, I will automatically get close. Parents are very neglectful of the boss's psychological construction!!️. They didn't take into account the words and deeds of the people around them, for example, some people would joke about the boss and "your parents don't want you" and other inappropriate language. When the second eldest is born, the younger one, the parents have to spend a lot of time around the second eldest! There was no time to pay attention to the psychological gap of the boss who had also been surrounded. The boss feels that being snubbed will naturally blame the newborn second !️! Inappropriate words and deeds of parents will cultivate a hostile relationship between the eldest and the second instead of an intimate relationship ❌. Follow-up the whole family member will be biased towards the second eldest in behavior and language, if you are the boss, what kind of psychological feelings will you feel? The good news is that I also have a wise mother around me to handle the relationship between the eldest and the second very well)

Let the younger siblings dispel frustration and disappointment, accept the imperfections in life, learn to give up some needs, give up obsession, and face the rejection of others.

Discipline basically means "education," so a large part of parenting's responsibility is to teach their children what they need to know. But how should we teach it?

The lessons children learn in life are more from the process of adapting to life than from the result of !️ their correct thinking! The key to adaptation is to be able to perceive powerlessness in the face of something that does not work and cannot be changed. Following the normal process, the child will naturally learn the necessary lessons. (Let the child make mistakes and bear the natural consequences)

The adaptation process helps parents with the task of "disciplining" their children:

1 Teach children to stop doing things that don't work,

2 to enable children to accept limitations and limitations,

3 Help your child let go of unrealistic needs.

Only after such a process can the child adapt to situations that he cannot change. At the same time, through this process, the child can also find that there can be some unfulfilled wishes in life, which can help the child recover from trauma.

These precious lessons can neither be taught to the child by reason, nor can they be taught by the results. They are things that parents have to teach with their hearts, and children can only learn them when they feel futile! !️ !️ !️

Parents have to make their children feel powerless, but also to be angels who comfort them, which is the most exquisite and challenging role for human beings. To help their children through the process of adaptation, parents must let their children learn to cry, learn to let go, and learn to be calm when they realize that they want to let go.

The first step in the adaptation process is to present the child with a "wall of powerlessness". Sometimes, parents need to build such a wall on purpose, but most of the time, such a wall can appear in daily life: "Your sister said no", "This can't work", "You can't do that", "This is not enough", "He didn't invite you", "She is not interested in listening to you", "Someone else won", "Grandma did not come". (I belong to the mother who often digs a pit for Yue Yue to pick) In the face of the wall of powerlessness, as long as the current situation has the slightest possibility of changing, the child cannot adapt. The key is to let the child dare to face the truth of the matter, rather than trying to make things conform to his ideas! !️

If parents are not firm enough in the face of immutable things, it will lead to the child escaping from reality, which will affect the child's adaptation process. Parents have a lot of time to explain what is happening in front of them, but they must wait until the child understands that he is powerless to change the facts in front of him.

The !️ second step in the adaptation process is to be considerate of the child's frustration and comfort them. Once the child feels powerless, the next step is to lead them to tears. The purpose of this step is not to teach children a lesson, but to help them turn depression into sadness. Once this step is completed, the child will naturally learn the lesson... !️

We can say something similar:

"It's hard when things don't work"

"I know you really want to do this well"

"You want a different answer from me"

"It doesn't match your expectations"

"I don't want that to be the way it is either" words.

It is important to make the child feel that the parent is with him, not against ❌ him. When the time comes, parents can talk with some sadness, so that children feel frustrated and even disappointed. Note that timing can take some experience, and too early or too late can be counterproductive. ❌ In this part, parents need to follow their own feelings.

Sometimes, parents may get all the previous links right, but still fail miserably in this link that pushes their children to adapt. This phenomenon may arise because the child does not regard the parent as an object of attachment. There are also many times when children do not shed tears because their adaptation process has encountered obstacles - children have left sequelae because of escaping vulnerability, and they do not feel powerless. ❌❌❌

For the situation that the child "will not adapt", parents must also learn to adapt. When natural discipline is difficult to see in children, parents need to pause. At this time, parents have to feel sad and let go of those impossible expectations. Only by giving up the impossible is it more likely to discover what is possible and explore other ways. Luckily, there are other ways to choose from.

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