Since becoming a parent, it seems that quarrels have become a thing on the line, no longer the embodiment of "disagreement", but into a weapon of "hurting children".
Emotionally quarrelsome, afterwards regretted, ten thousand voices floated in the head, there are the voices of parenting experts, there are relatives and friends around the accusations, and the inner rebuke to themselves:
"Don't argue with your child, even if he's young."
"When you quarrel, have you ever thought about children?"
"The most sorry person for the quarrel is the child."
……
No one wants to argue, but sometimes quarrels just can't be avoided. Is it really harmful for parents to quarrel with their children? Psychologists say: It's not all bad, don't be too nervous!
By the way, on how to be invincible in a quarrel, Guo Ren Ma also studied a little:
A guide to scientific quarrel cultivation
And raise children you don't have to be too anxious, the key is here:
Raising a girl is not simple: love should be strong, and the heart should be slow!
Raising a boy is actually very simple: the eyes should be blind, and the heart should be big
Focus first, on the code!
I remember that in last year's popular TV series "Xiao Shede", Nan Li, played by Song Jia, and Xia Junshan, played by Tong Dawei, can be said to be a pair of model parents. In the process of taking the baby, they have a deal, a step in step, support each other, and comfort each other. Watching them live together feels like the whole world is at peace.
But even such a pair of "models" can not do not quarrel at all. For example, in the matter of choosing a cram school for their daughter, the two had a big disagreement, and the two people argued while washing dishes.
Their arguments are so real that barrages say that this is what life really looks like, and that husband and wife will quarrel.
Some people say that couples who don't quarrel are not normal. Quarrels are a very ordinary part of life, or rather, quarrels are also a kind of fireworks in life.
Don't be afraid to argue, the impact on the child
Probably not as bad as you think
We are sometimes particularly afraid of quarrels, afraid of bringing bad influences to our children. But sometimes the emotions come out uncontrollably, and after the quarrel, they fall into deep self-blame and remorse... In fact, the impact of quarrels between adults on children may not be as bad as you think.
Jiangxi Satellite TV once did a survey on "how do you feel when your parents quarreled", and there was a little boy who said this:
"I think it's fun. Because their quarrel is an emotional vent, I think after they have quarreled, the feelings will become more and more profound. ”
You see, from the child's point of view, not all parental quarrels will hurt the child.
Mark Cummings, a psychologist at the University of Notre Dame who has studied the subject of family conflict for nearly 30 years and published more than 100 psychological articles on parental quarrels and communication conflicts with colleagues, believes:
There are many family quarrels and conflicts that do not hurt children, but on the contrary, children benefit from their parents' conflict resolution [1].
However, it should be noted that this quarrel mode often has the following characteristics:
Although there are quarrels and disagreements, the attitude is positive and the ultimate purpose is to solve the problem;
There is a limit to quarrels, and they will not develop to the extent that the neighbors are aware of the wall;
The other party's opinions will not be completely denied, and in the process of quarrelling, the behavior of support and compromise for the other half is beneficial to family relations and problem solving. If you only hold the purpose of arguing and winning, it is not worth the loss, and in the end, the quarrel wins, but you lose the relationship between husband and wife and the parent-child relationship.
Experiencing such a pattern of quarrels, children can develop better social skills and self-esteem, have a higher sense of security, and at the same time build better relationships with their parents, perform better in school, and have fewer psychological problems.
So, if you can "argue right," don't be too nervous about it.
It's okay to quarrel, but it's not okay to be so noisy!
Although "correct quarrels" can have some positive effects, there are some ways to quarrel, which are still very hurtful! To be avoided.
In The Conflict between Marriage and Family: Gaining Emotional Security, co-authored by Professor Cummings and colleagues, some of the behaviors that parents can harm their children when arguing[2]:
Verbal violence – personal attacks and verbal abuse by name, only for people and things that are not right.
There are also threats to those around you, for example, to the other half: let's divorce; to the children: I don't want you anymore. Adults can often understand that this is an angry sentence, but the child will take it seriously, and many times under the cognition of "self-centeredness", the child will also blame the cause of the parents' quarrel on himself.
Domestic violence – physical assault (hitting, pushing), or smashing a plate or a bowl. Once you do it, it hurts the whole family.
Cold violence – sometimes we think that quarrelling is not OK, I can always have a cold war. Replacing response and communication with the Cold War is also a form of violence, whether it is avoidance or sulking, the other half can feel it, and the child can feel it.
Surrender – which seems to be a concession, is actually adding fuel to the fire, the most common sentence: "It's all my fault!" What else do you want! "The problem is not actually solved, and there may be a bigger conflict."
These quarrels, which are completely out of emotional control, are extremely hurtful. Professor Cummings pointed out that this kind of family conflict can bring psychological and physical harm to children.
Psychologically, a follow-up survey found that children who grew up in kindergarten in an atmosphere where their parents often quarreled were more likely to have psychological problems of depression and anxiety in junior high school [3].
Physiologically, there is a stress hormone (cortisol) in our bodies. Studies have found that when parents argue, children experience higher stress hormones while they are anxious. Elevated pressure hormones can lead to increased blood pressure and blood sugar and a reduced immune response [4].
Such quarrels will hurt not only the children, but also everyone in the family.
How to quarrel with "the right quarrel"?
A family therapist from Berkeley, USA, believes that avoiding quarrels is not the way to solve the problem, and he provides some practical "quarrel advice" for everyone.
1, even in the quarrel, the husband and wife is still a "wear a pair of pants" partnership.
If the husband and wife always hold each side like a debate game, but there is no referee in real life, the final problem is still in place. Listening more to each other's points of view, making concessions and compromises is not a loss, but a victory for cooperation.
2. Appropriate empathy and empathy.
Children have emotions, and when communicating with children, we often mention empathy. When empathizing with children, we will carefully take care of their children's feelings, understand their behavior, help children describe their emotions in words, and let them know that they are seen and understood.
The same approach applies to couples. Let the other half know that we are trying to understand each other and put ourselves in each other's shoes.
Nan Li was dissecting the other half's thoughts
3, anyone who wants to say something, you can add a little kindness.
Disapproval, disappointment, irritation — all of which can be handled with some kindness, telling the other person what we intend to disagree with. Just like in "Little Shedd", Nan Li opposes her daughter from enrolling in more cram schools, but at the same time understands that her husband is in a state of anxiety. Therefore, she changed the rhetorical question and expressed her opposition: "In the context of anxiety, shouldn't parents protect their children with clear minds?" ”
4, quarrel is not the right thing, solve the problem is the key.
Even if you are quarreling, it is important to be clear about the problem to be solved. Quarrel to solve the problem, do not deviate into "quarrel for the sake of exporting emotions" and "quarrel for quarrel".
When they see contradictions and conflicts between parents, and at the same time parents have the ability to solve problems, children will be happy for their parents and for the family. Moreover, children can get a sense of security from it, because even if parents encounter situations of disagreement. They know that Mom and Dad also have the ability to resolve these conflicts.
When we and our partner tacitly choose to solve problems instead of violent communication, what does it matter if there are small emotions and small opinions, quarrels and contradictions become the condiments of life.
As the child said in the interview, "After they finish arguing, the feelings will become more and more profound." ”
Edit 丨 Antelope, addicted to science with baby.
参考文献丨[1]Davies, P. T., & Cummings, E. M. (1994). Marital conflict and child adjustment: an emotional security hypothesis. Psychological bulletin, 116(3), 387.
[2] Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2010). Marital conflict and children: An emotional security perspective. Guilford Press.
[3] Cummings, E. M., George, M. R., McCoy, K. P., & Davies, P. T. (2012). Interparental conflict in kindergarten and adolescent adjustment: Prospective investigation of emotional security as an explanatory mechanism. Child development, 83(5), 1703-1715.
[4] Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2002). Effects of marital conflict on children: Recent advances and emerging themes in process‐oriented research. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, 43(1), 31-63.