Be with people who like it
Life has more good scenery
Wen |Wu Zhihong Zhang Jar
01
I have a friend who is very resistant to socializing, and often stays at home after work, never taking the initiative to contact others until he is forced to do so.
But a while ago, because of the epidemic in Guangzhou, she was forced to stay at home and work for a month. It made her feel lonely like never before.
After the community was unsealed, she asked a few friends to drive to the suburbs to see the scenery, and the next day she went to her colleagues' homes to cook and eat.
In other words, it was impossible for her to participate in such high-intensity social interactions.
But this time, when she chatted with her friends about gossip and ate food, she actually felt unprecedented release and pleasure.
She sighed: It turns out that she is not so afraid of !!!
In fact, it's not just this friend.
After a long period of exposure to psychology and more and more people observing, the more I discovered that the "social fear" we have been talking about, the real fear is actually: the fear that in the social community, we open ourselves, and the result is that we are hurt by people and hurt by relationships.
To avoid these injuries, we simply avoided the social thing.
02
Social harm often leads to, distrust and disappointment in relationships.
There was once a reader, because of her mother's genetics, she grew a lot of white hair in junior high school, which was particularly eye-catching.
Classmates gave her the nickname "White-Haired Witch", and even her best friend sometimes called her that.
Later, she really couldn't stand the strange eyes of others, called her father, talked about her pain, and cried very badly.
But unexpectedly, Dad just said impatiently: "If you are ugly, you will dye it, as for so mindful?" ”
This light and fluttering answer made her lose to the extreme, which is still unforgettable.
She regarded her father as the closest person, opening up the most inferior place in her heart, but what she got was not attention, but disgust.
The disappointment and hurt was so deep that it continued into her perception of other relationships—that of loved ones, much less could strangers trust.
Until now, she still did not dare to take off her hat in the crowd, and she was very afraid of making friends.
I've seen a lot of stories like this.
Such an experience not only makes them suspicious and attacking themselves, but also a strong distrust of the relationship.
When socializing, they need a higher sense of security and make sure the other person doesn't hurt themselves before they dare to take the first step.
Once denied, ignored, and hurt, they shrink back into a person's world.
03
Resisting socialization is essentially vigilance and caution in relationships.
A friend with social troubles, on the one hand, she tries to socialize with all kinds of people; on the other hand, she feels very tired in the relationship.
Because in a relationship, she will always be very attentive and picky about details.
For example, every time she returns home from separation from her friends, she will go through the details of their time together like watching a movie, thinking about how the two have done.
As a result, she can always find something she is not satisfied with.
So she will constantly reflect, and in her heart she will either attack herself or the other party.
At the same time, she will push herself and others, thinking that others are like herself.
For example, once at dinner, a friend prepared a carefully selected gift for her.
She first felt like it, but then she felt a sense of guilt: "Oh, I didn't prepare a gift for her." ”
In fact, her friend just wanted to simply give her a gift, and had no other ideas, but she just couldn't help but blame herself.
So, for her, relationships are a burden, and she's very tired when interacting with others, so try to minimize them.
However, closing yourself seems to reduce the trouble of social interaction, but because of loneliness and nowhere to talk, it brings internal friction.
A person's life motivation, without receiving a basic response, is facing a desperate situation.
04
So, how do you heal this social phobia?
Try to build relationships that you can still afford and have basic good intentions.
When you feel safe, feel a sense of companionship and pleasure, and then open yourself up little by little, gradually build up 2 kinds of trust in your heart.
Trust in yourself.
When you can get a real and comfortable experience in relationship interaction, you will slowly believe that even if you will show a bad side in the relationship, you will not be easily disliked by the other party.
Trust in relationships.
When we can gradually get some nourishment in the relationship, we will find the flowing energy in it.
You will gradually find that some interpersonal interactions that are not perfect, or even not necessarily passable, will still bring you some satisfaction and closeness.
The desire for interpersonal relations is one of the most fundamental human desires. Go with someone you like and enjoy it more and more.
As Victor Frank put it: Happiness creeps in when a person strives to do something or genuinely cares for someone.
Click on it, wish you and I can find some happiness from social things.
Good articles in the past
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Author: Wu Zhihong, senior psychological counselor, author of the popular column "Have a Life You Decide", author of the best-selling books "Why Family Hurts People", "Why Love Hurts People", etc., Weibo: @ Wu Zhihong. At present, Wu Zhihong Psychological Counseling Center has been opened in 10 cities in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Xiamen, Chengdu, Suzhou, Nanjing, And Qingdao
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