Some time ago, we pushed an article about children's socialization: children's socialization is the most cruel, "poisonous friendship" must be found early and stay away! A user's message has aroused great concern:
Did your family have a similar problem?
Indeed, many adults see the "bad children", but there is a magical attraction to children, why is this so, and how should we deal with this situation? Nut mother's article today, let's talk in detail.
The "bad boy" in the eyes of adults,
Is it really a "bad boy"?
If you think about it, you will find that the word "bad boy" appears most often in the mouths of parents, not children. What kind of child is more likely to become a "bad child" in the eyes of adults, and does not want their children to be friends with him?
In addition to some extreme and intolerable behaviors such as hitting people and bullying, there are many behaviors or characteristics that do not meet the expectations of parents, and they are often listed as "bad" by adults. Like what:
Children with a strong desire to control always make others and let others listen to themselves;
Possessive children who do not like to share with others;
There are points in the personality that parents do not like, such as sensitive love to cry, tantrums at every turn, etc.;
Poor grades;
Have some bad habits, such as swearing, unhygienic, etc.;
......
But are they really "bad boys"?
In psychology, there is a "halo effect" that talks about interpersonal relationships, we are often easy to enlarge to the evaluation of other people because of some shortcomings of others.
In particular, parents are generally afraid of the bad influence of their peers on their children, so it is easy to magnify a certain shortcoming of their peers when facing their peers.
But in fact, there are two sides to the coin, and children also have advantages and disadvantages. Just like a child who "loves" other children's idleness, he may also silently comfort the children when they cry, "Don't cry, I'll give you stickers."
Why is it popular with children?
1, dare to break the routine of the "bad boys" are more interesting
Child psychologist Robert M. S. Feldman once pointed out that although most of the popular children are friendly, some popular children will show negative behaviors in the eyes of adults, such as being aggressive, liking to cause trouble, and breaking rules. These children are popular because in the eyes of other children, they represent bravery, dare to break the rules, and break the order of adults.
These things that break through the routines of life and the original family order are usually considered cool, interesting, and novel by their peers. For example, a well-behaved child will be asked to pack up the bowl and put it in the sink after eating, but a naughty child may put the empty bowl in the basin and play a game of floating adventure at sea like a boat.
These unconventional behaviors are like magnets that make children can't help but follow along.
2, "bad boys" have the ability to solve problems, more likely to get the favor of peers
Studies have found that the popularity of a child is related to his ability to solve social problems, that is, whether the child can resolve conflicts in a way that is satisfactory to both parties [2].
For the "bad boys" who dare to break the routine and break through the adult order, they naturally have more social problem solving capabilities. For example, on the ball card tree, many children may not know how to solve it because their parents do not let them climb the tree, and these powerful "bad children" have strong mobility and are more likely to directly climb the tree to take the ball.
Until the sense of morality was fully established, the child's observance of the rules was based on the influence of the adult. They will constantly look for opportunities to test the boundaries of the rules and break through the limitations of adults. Therefore, the "bad boys" who dare to directly break the rules, break through the adult order, and have courage and strategy just give them the motivation and courage to test, and it is easier to get the attention and like of other children.
Children like to be friends with "bad boys",
How do you get involved?
As in the opening message, being friends with "bad kids" often appears, adults can't watch it anymore, and children are still happy in it.
Parents are afraid that their children will be affected and brought bad, afraid that their children will be wronged, and they will not be able to see their children suffer losses (being called), but what is the real situation?
1. Will the child really be brought bad by "bad friends"?
Psychologist Latane (1981) theory of social influence argues that the influence of others on an individual depends on the number, intensity, and immediacy of the sources of influence [3]. From this, we can infer that the influence of "bad boys" depends on:
The percentage of children's friends who belong to the "bad boys"
Does the child value this "bad boy"
Time spent with bad kids
In this way, if the child has a lot of friends, as long as the proportion of "bad children" in your heart is not high, then under normal circumstances, it is still very difficult to take the child bad.
If your child has few friends, or only this "bad boy" is a friend, then letting him associate with more children can also help him reduce the chance of being "brought bad".
2, you can't see the child "called", how does the child feel?
Psychologist Mildred Parton observed peer interactions among children aged 2 to 5 years and found that with age, children's joint and interactive games increased significantly.
Psychologists House and Matherson have found that the complexity of children's games increases with age through a three-year-long follow-up study of the play activities of children aged 1 to 2 years, and the more complex the games, the more easy-going and prosocial behaviors children can show.
That is to say, as children get older, more peer cooperative games will grow, and this kind of game requires the cooperation of more participants, so children will show more easy-going and obedience when participating in this kind of game.
Adults often feel that children are "called", but in fact, it is just a different division of labor in the game. For children, there is no "summoning" or "not calling", only the goal of "everyone playing together". Just like the Ultraman game that children like to play, if someone plays Ultraman, it is natural that someone plays a monster, otherwise the game will not be able to be played.
Who plays Ultraman and the monster depends on the social communication between the child, as long as the child is not harmed in it, even if the child plays the "monster", the child can grow.
3, one "establish" two enrich "three" away" to solve the problem of children being "called"
In fact, each child has a unique personality, they are willing to be "called", more is a response to needs.
The reason why parents are very sensitive to this situation is that they are afraid that their children will be bullied and that their children will form a flattering personality. How can this be avoided?
First, establish the concept of "one thing to one thing" behavior.
In the relationship with children, adults are very fond of encouraging (reciprocating) or punishing (forcing) to motivate children to do things they do not understand or do not want. In this way in the long run, children are prone to instinctive obedience to rewards and compulsions.
After all, you want your child to listen to you, but you have to think about other people's words, which is a contradiction in itself. Therefore, in life, we should treat children with the concept of "one thing to one thing". For example, if you don't eat, I won't take you to the park, which is a mixture of "eating" and "going to the park" thing.
It is better to simply say, "If you don't eat, you are hungry in the park, but you can't find anything to eat (explain what happens when you don't eat), and you don't have the strength to jump on the trampoline." What if I had to eat up and then go over and have a good time (give advice)? ”
Second, enrich the social environment and enhance children's social self-confidence.
In the child's social life, we can see that the more friends and the richer the social environment of the child, the less common it is for him to be too obedient to his peers.
It's like there's only one restaurant on a whole street, and you're hungry, so you'll naturally obey the restaurant and eat whatever you want. But if there are many restaurants on this street, then you will tend to choose from your own inner thoughts.
Therefore, if you feel that your child is socially easy to be particularly obedient to individual children, it is better to take him with other children or older children. After having social self-confidence, children will look at each friendship more plainly and can communicate more freely in social interactions.
Finally, stay away from the "bad kids" who can't communicate.
Although we should not subjectively classify each child as good or bad. But in the face of some strong children, our children act too passive and are often physically or verbally attacked. After the parents' verbal intervention, the situation has not improved, so we should help the child to temporarily stay away from such friends and avoid greater harm in time.
Learning how to build friendships is a long-term subject that cannot be learned overnight. If the friendship has hurt the child, then temporary departure can also make the child re-look at the relationship and understand his needs.
Editor 丨 Lin Yiyi, also an octopus mother, the mother of a three-and-a-half-year-old boy, is happy to study various parenting products.
References 丨[1] [American] Robert S. Feldman/ Feldman Developmental Psychology (Fourth Edition) / Zhejiang Education Press
[2] Murphy, B., & Eisenberg, N. (2002). An integrative examination of peer conflict: Children’s reported goals, emotions, and behaviors. Social Development, 11, 534–557；Siu, A., & Shek, D. (2010). Social problem solving as a predictor of well-being in adolescents and young adults. Social Indicators Research, 95, 393–406；Dereli- man, E. (2013). Adaptation of social problem solving for children questionnaire in 6 age groups and its relationships with preschool behavior problems. Kuram Ve Uygulamada E itim Bilimleri, 13, 491–498
[3] Latane（1981，P. 344）. Copyright 1981 by the American Psychological Association. Adapted by permission
[4] Developmental Psychology: Children and Adolescents: Eighth Edition/Shaffer, D.R.) Et al./China Light Industry Press, 2009.7