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Perhaps the most uncomfortable moment for every mother is not when she is tired and tired, but the moment when she feels that she has done something terrible and deeply blames herself. We blame ourselves and feel guilty for various things, large and small: ignoring the child's signs of a cold, not feeding enough months, not being able to accompany the child on business trips, getting up in the morning to urge and reprimand the child, letting the child fall asleep with tears on his face at night, forcing the child to learn things, asking questions when the child drinks water causes him to choke...
Sometimes, if the previous night was angry with the child, the mother may be thinking about it the next day when she goes to work, and the clouds are shrouded in the morning. We often give ourselves a "psychological sentence" for some small mistake—self-imprisonment for a certain period of time until we find an opportunity to "atone for our sins."
Guilt and self-blame
Most energy-intensive
Psychologists have given various emotions in order of energy level, of which "guilt and self-blame" are second to "shame" and rank second to the bottom. It can be seen that this is a very lethal emotion, which will cause great psychological energy consumption and make people feel powerless. Mothers often feel remorseful, not only because of the depth of maternal love, but also related to the concept of "good mother". "Good mother", like "someone else's child", is a fictional character that we can never reach. In advertisements, magazines, on television, and in the mouths of people around us, there are "good mothers" everywhere, but we ourselves are making mistakes at any time.
Therefore, if you want to blame yourself less, you must see clearly that there is no perfect "good mother", and there is no need to be a perfect mother. Your little mistake may be the child's bias. In your inconsiderate and imperfect, children can grow more and become stronger. Imperfect mothers are good mothers, and every mother is a good mother! Only by being able to tolerate and accept ourselves and stop self-blame and guilt can we have the heart to tolerate and accept our children.
Stop self-pity
Love yourself more
Sometimes people think that self-pity is loving themselves, but in fact the opposite is true; if you want to love yourself, you have to stop self-pity. There are two things that constitute self-pity: first, I am in a terrible situation; second, I am passive and helpless, and I blame others and the outside world for everything, and I should not be responsible for this. This is a victim psychological model. The downside of self-pity is that it reinforces adversity and negative information, fosters helplessness, keeps people from turning their minds away and actively seeks solutions.
I've seen older women with severe self-pity who can put a self-pity explanation on any neutral event; sometimes, even as if they were going to deliberately create a masochistic situation, successfully jumped themselves into the victim role, and then they sat there with self-pity and self-pity, which is satisfied. People are self-confirming and self-fulfilling, and after each self-pity, you will unconsciously create adversity to prove that your self-pity is justified. Not being self-pity is about being able to explain the facts from a positive perspective and take responsibility for what happened to you.
Not affected
to be taken lightly
Every day we are judged by all kinds of outsiders — the way you raise your children; the way you dress; the income you earn in your position; the car you drive, the phone you use... If our hearts are not firm and sober, we will be like a small boat, swept up and down by these waves of evaluation without a moment of peace.
The evaluation of outsiders is mostly blind people touching elephants. For example, relatives come to criticize you for not teaching your children, because your children only eat green vegetables and do not eat fish and eggs. You know it's because your child eats a lot of protein for breakfast and the other person doesn't understand that. Maybe we can handle such a thing very well. In fact, all other things, why not the same? Your appearance, occupation, education, income, husband (wife), etc., are all for their own reasons, where will outsiders know?
To be less influenced by external judgment is not to punish yourself for not being displeased by the lack of information of others. Confucius said succinctly: "Man is not ashamed if he does not know." "The premise of indifference is that we ourselves should be self-aware enough to be clear about who we are, what we want to do, and what we are doing. With self-knowledge, we can rely less on external references.
See clearly, you can look down, and then put down. After doing this for a long time, becoming proficient, slowly the ability to cope with it improves.
Accept yourself
Recognize vulnerability
This morning the mobile phone ran out of power, the watch did not ring, I stayed up late at night, I overslept, the child still had to eat something as usual, and there was a traffic jam at the entrance of the community... In short, I was in a hurry, and when I arrived at the door of the classroom, I found that others had basically finished eating. The children bounced around to find books on their own, sat down in small chairs and rested, and my daughter ate breakfast alone at the dinner table. Of course, I felt very bad, standing there in pain for a moment, the teacher walked to the door and smiled and said, "Children don't love on cloudy days, right?" Eating by yourself is a bit boring ha. "I was busy saying that I would come early next time, and then quickly back off."
When I went out, I thought about it, and I guess the child must not be as painful as me. Her feelings may be more neutral—tasting food, seeing the cover of a book, being attracted to someone's expression or new clothes, feeling her stomach bulging, and then deciding to end breakfast... In a neutral mood, she gradually adjusted herself from a semi-confused state to a kindergarten state. At this thought, I savored the hidden sense of humiliation and frustration in my heart, and at the same time, I developed a certain slight worship in the face of her chaotic obscurity—for a person like me who was strictly required to grow up, this is a state of cultivation that can only be achieved after a lot of cultivation.
If we are too strong to admit vulnerability, that is really vulnerable.
Accept yourself, understand that it is easy to do, and do it hard. Why is it difficult? Because we have been asked, judged, and criticized in the process of growing up, we have internalized these and learned to demand, judge, and criticize ourselves. To paraphrase parenting, we learn to "love ourselves conditionally." We've been doing this to ourselves for a long time, and if we want to change, we really have to do it consciously.
Accepting yourself and doing so allows you to reduce the consumption of mental energy. This is true for yourself and for others.
When we don't accept ourselves, the feelings of humiliation, blame, and frustration in our hearts are all resistance, and they need to consume a lot of your mental energy to neutralize and offset. We all have to admit the fact that you can't do anything right until you feel better.
This is especially true for others. When we can't accept our children, our husbands, and our colleagues and friends, that is, when we judge them by our own standards and rules, rather than accepting them as they are now, we trigger a self-defense counterattack in their hearts. And as long as they focus on self-defense counterattack, they miss the energy and opportunity to automatically get better. If we accept them, we help them preserve these energies, and they are better able to hear the voice of their inner conscience, see the right direction, and realize their potential more easily, so they will get better faster.
How do you accept yourself and others? I think that instead of abandoning standards and requirements, I affirm the intrinsic value inherent in myself and others. We will continue to try to improve, but we will not feel bad because of those flaws. How to affirm your intrinsic value?
My strategy has always been not to abandon and eradicate the ego, but to appease the ego as a child. When you don't feel good about yourself, when you feel that you don't have enough work, or you don't perform well enough, and therefore you feel that you don't deserve to rest, you don't deserve to be happy, you don't deserve to be respected, treat yourself as a child, say to yourself: You're a good boy, no matter what you do, I love you. You have every right to make mistakes, imperfections. You can put things aside, go have an ice cream, take a shower, rest assured, you're still as good as you used to be...
These are especially important for mothers who pursue perfection, expect perfection, and are afraid of affecting their children's perfection due to their own mistakes, only mothers accept themselves first, and then we can truly accept our children.
Source: "Mother is strong, children are excellent" luo ling, Jiangxi Science and Technology Publishing House, Zitu Books