What should I do if my child is bullied by his classmates at school?
In addition to a few parents will disregard to take the lead for their children, I believe that most parents will look at it rationally.
For example, they will first appease the child, channel the child's negative emotions, then implement the situation clearly, and finally find the child's teacher to feedback the problem.
Do you think this is the right thing to do?
It's certainly the right thing to do, but the reality is often not what we think it is.
01.
The test papers for introverted children are adjusted by classmates
An introverted low school student was exchanged by his classmates for a test, and the result was that his highest score paper became the grade of that classmate, and the child was introverted and timid, so he did not dare to tell the teacher, so he told his mother about the matter.
That sounds incredible, doesn't it?
But it did happen.
After the child told his mother about the matter, the mother did not know how to do it, so she asked the netizens what to do.
It must be real, because I have also had simple communication with the mother of the child.
For why she was so hesitant to deal with this matter, the mother gave her own reason: "Afraid that the teacher will punish that classmate, that classmate will not be able to stand it, and the current child's psychological endurance is too poor!" ”
The kindness of this mother surprised me, but the replies of several other netizens surprised me.
02.
Surprising netizen reply
"There is no need to go online, as long as the knowledge is learned, it doesn't matter"
"Adjust the bag, adjust the bag, you learn what you learn in your head and you haven't been stolen by him, you care what you do with this."
"Ignore it, get used to her, let others teach her a lesson, she steals once, can she steal for a lifetime?" Besides, their own skills, midterms, final exams can't steal, right? Wear new shoes without stepping on shit! ”
"Don't care, it's your child who learns, not someone else's child!"
"The score is their own, no one can take it, why should they care about the test paper."
There are not many netizens who answered this mother's question, but more than half of these few netizens gave the above suggestions.
I think these netizens may think that this is not a big deal, after all, the child's real ability is impossible to be "transferred", the problem is that child, our own child's ability will not be covered up, and the child's roll can not be transferred forever, then the child's problem will be exposed sooner or later...
Such an understanding, or the very way in which the matter is handled, is very problematic.
We don't need to talk about the "high wind and bright festival" here, but we have to say that this is a high pattern of "indirect harm" to another child, and it is only responsible for the child who is transferred to this test paper, so it is also wrong to deal with the problem.
We take too lightly the negative impact of the thing itself on the child.
This may be the idea that "to suffer a loss is to be blessed".
03.
Is it a blessing to suffer?
In the adult world, there are not a few people who think that suffering losses is a blessing, and not only that, you must have seen some people who regard suffering losses as blessings as great wisdom.
Suffering loss is a blessing is really great wisdom.
But this "wisdom" is not because you have "suffered a loss", but you know what loss "should" be eaten, and what loss should not be eaten, that is, you know how to eat this "loss".
This is like "giving", we can't just see "giving" but ignore "giving".
As for the so-called "loss", I think a better understanding should be the courage to "make concessions", to know the "trade-offs", to know the "advance and retreat", and to have a real "overall view"...
There is no single answer to this discussion, and everyone can come up with a variety of different truths, because when it comes to specific things, it is indeed right.
But we can't think so lightly about the education of our children.
Because children are children, their psychology is immature, they can't understand where the logic that is "wisdom" in our eyes is reasonable, and if they have to accept and recognize, they will confuse their cognition.
Right and wrong are simple for children, especially for children, whose moral level of self is much higher than that of adults.
To take a simple example, the things that are reported by classmates for violating discipline often only happen to children, and as children grow older, they slowly begin to think about "right and wrong" outside the matter itself like adults, and they themselves begin to reject "reporting" behavior.
Therefore, telling children to "accept" or telling children that "your abilities have not been transferred" will bring great trouble to their cognition for children, especially for introverted and timid children.
Just as the mother is worried that the child who adjusts the package will not be able to bear the criticism of the teacher, do you know that if you really persuade the child to "admit it", it will really hurt her own child?
04.
Advantages for introverted children
The "victim" in this matter has a typical feature, and even the reason why there is such an article is inseparable from this reason, that is, the child's introverted personality, of course, the child's mother has added a "timid" label to the child.
This is actually not quite right.
"Timidity" is a kind of thing, especially for young children, which is often a manifestation of cleverness - they will analyze what is about to happen or what they will cause if they do it, but the child will deduce bad results in many cases, so they will not do it (say).
It is common for introverted children to appear "timid" in many cases, because introverted children tend to "mature" mentally faster.
It must be noted that introversion or extroversion is not absolutely good or bad, as a parent, if you really care, then you should not blame the child, because whether it is introverted or extroverted, it is largely caused by genes, and the other is caused by the environment in which the child grows.
And no matter what the reason, it is obvious that it is inseparable from the parents.
Introverted children also have a lot of advantages.
For example, often their concentration will be better, their inner world will be richer, they will be better at thinking, and even their emotional intelligence will often be higher.
But introverted children also have a lot of deficiencies.
Not good at even escaping social interaction, lack of self-confidence and even for some children will often fall into certain inferiority feelings.
Whether it is the child's mother or those netizens, once they do what they say, and if they take this way of dealing with problems (children "suffer losses") as the main daily education method, it will only lead to children being more introverted, more timid, and even more inferior.
05.
Don't be the culprit of your child's depression
The child does not dare to tell the teacher, come back to the mother to tell, is it possible that he is actually expecting the mother to solve this matter? And just want your mother to talk to the teacher?
If it is I think the child is normal.
If not, for example, the child himself will say what kind of consequences he does not want to see if he tells the teacher what kind of consequences, then the problem is more serious.
Because for such a big child, he actually uses adult thinking to think about problems and deal with problems, which is not a good thing, which will lead to a lot of problems in their psychological development.
They will care more and more about the evaluation of others, they will continue to hide themselves in the back or the darkest corners because they are afraid of making mistakes, they will constantly desire to become stronger in their hearts but they will be extremely powerless in reality...
What child is depressed without early depression?
It's not just those children who are forced to learn every day and only value their grades to be prone to depression.
Nor are only bullied children more susceptible to depression.
In fact, this is the third grade, this kind of behavior we can not think of "bullying", but if you think about it, especially combined with the actual age of the child, this is the "bullying" behavior!
Therefore, parents may become "accomplices" if they are not careful, and if we have this attitude in everything, then we will become the culprit of children's mental health problems.
This is not alarmist.
06.
Informing the teacher is a must
If you are worried that the teacher will criticize too much and will bring harm to the child's psychology, then you can tell the teacher that they are children, that is, they are too naughty and do not know right and wrong, and actively guide it, but also for the good of the child, to avoid the child from taking the wrong behavior as a "shortcut", and the result is to harm himself.
In fact, we don't mean that just telling the teacher doesn't need to be managed or can't be managed at all.
From how to communicate with the child, how to encourage the child to report the difficulties he encountered to the teacher, to how he hopes that the teacher can give his child encouragement and guidance.
We can turn a "bad thing" into a "good thing" for children to grow.
And it's a good thing for both kids.
07.
Is it "overkill"?
Some people may see this and think that I am making a big fuss, or even alarmist.
I have always believed that in the issue of children's education, it is not only "learning", but also those issues related to children's psychological development are actually more important. Therefore, when solving children's problems, do not always focus on "learning" or "grades" and ignore the psychological development of children.
We need to think more from the perspective of children, not from the perspective of adults.
Don't talk about guiding and cultivating how to "empathize" with children all day long, but we can't empathize with children ourselves.
Only by doing so will we understand why children will care about certain things, children will not understand some things, we can better solve the various problems encountered by children in life and learning, and can we create a better personality development environment for them.
The matter mentioned in this article does not seem like a big deal, but the attitude of dealing with one thing can reflect the attitude of parents in dealing with a series of issues.
When these things are added up, the impact on the child cannot be ignored. I can't write every single thing all over again, I can only do it through one thing for our parents to realize what the bigger problems this can cause are and how it would be better to solve them.
So I'm really making a fuss, but I'm really not being alarmist.