"If you don't make trouble, when your mother is finished, she will take you out to play";
"If you eat well, your mother will buy you candy to eat later";
"If you study hard, your mother will buy you the toys you want";
"If you are obedient, your mother will love you more"
……。
Many mothers like to use the "conditional" way to reach a deal with their children when educating their children, which is both easy to use and worry-free, and both mothers and children have obtained the effect they want. Behind the seemingly "win-win", is it really beneficial and harmless? The potential psychological impact is not as simple as you might think.
"If you obey your mother, you will buy you candy to eat", stupid parents like to talk to their children about conditions in this way
What is the relationship between "obedience" and "buying sugar", the mother wants the child to be obedient, the child wants to get a candy, and the needs of both the child and the mother are met through trading. On the surface, it may seem like a fair deal, but the concept of forming in the child's psyche may not be as easy as you think.
Talking about conditions will lead the child into a kind of "misunderstood" thinking
The child's thinking is very simple, when you use the conditional way to communicate with him, he will immediately make a natural arrangement of the things within the conditions, and list which things are good and which things are not good.
"If you study well, your mother will buy you toys", originally the child's learning is his task, you do the same deal with him, will make the child feel that learning is not good, study well is a "very difficult thing". Why? Because if learning is a good thing, why should you exchange toys for them? That's how they think.
Talking about conditions will leave a negative impact on children: they will feel that their mother cares about me and loves me is "conditional"
Sometimes, parents make conditional transactions with their children for their own good, hoping to play a certain role in motivating them. But in fact, such an approach will not only not bring long-term positive impact, but also cause a negative impact on the child's heart.
Children will feel that mom and dad care about me and love me are conditional, otherwise why do they have to tell me, "If I obey, they will love me?
Talking about too many conditions will make children turn what should be done well into things that need to be coerced and tempted by parents to do well
Originally children are obedient and study well, which is what they should do well, parents always take various conditions to make deals with them, which will make children turn what should be done into the threats and inducements of parents to do well. This kind of education invisibly introduces the child to a character who does not learn, refuses to suffer, and is not self-motivated.
Parents always "talk about conditions" with their children, which will bring 3 adverse effects to their personality
Children love to calculate, love to bargain, you let him do something he has to talk to you about the "conditions for doing this", the reason behind it is because "parents usually like to talk to their children about the consequences of conditions". However, the adverse effects of conditional education go far beyond that.
Children will become more and more materialistic
If parents often take materials to "talk about conditions" with their children, they will instill such a subconscious mind into their children: "The things I like must meet the needs of parents to get", which may be just a candy at the beginning, and slowly become a toy, a dress or even more expensive things. Children will also become more and more materialistic under the education of parents "stressing conditions" and cannot extricate themselves.
Children will become calculating and bargaining
When children get a reward by talking to their parents about the conditions, they will feel that it is not easy and they have paid a lot. Over time, they will understand whether they can bargain with their parents the next time there is a transaction, asking their mother to buy themselves more favorite items to make a deal.
Once parents follow without a bottom line, the child will become a very calculating, bargaining, and unwilling to eat at all.
Children will also learn to "talk about conditions" in a similar way.
The child's ability to imitate is very strong, as a parent, you ask him to do anything to give him conditions, then the next time he will also learn to bring this behavior to society. Make friends with classmates to bargain on conditions, others ask him to ask him to be careful, parents often "talk about conditions" invisibly guide the child's thinking and personality in a bad direction.
Do not want children to be calculating and bargaining, parents' education methods are very important
Talking to children about conditions is a wrong way to deal with their bad behavior, and don't expect to achieve long-term motivation through conditions, but also have a bad development of their character. If you don't want your child to be a calculating and bargaining person in the future, then parents usually need to pay attention to certain methods in education.
Parents' love for their children should be "unconditional"
Don't use the love of parents to make deals with children, parents love children, but children do not know "what is love", they can easily take "the transaction of love you said" seriously, and think that you do not love him, or your love is conditional. Give your child a "unconditional" love, which is not coddling, but tender and bounded love.
Tenderness refers to giving the child a sense of emotional security and reliability; boundary means that not all needs of the child are unconditionally satisfied, only suitable and reasonable circumstances can be met, and the principle of things can not be compromised.
Learn to respect children and treat them as equal individuals
Although children are small, they are also individuals like us, they have their own way of thinking, do not use the ideas of adults to children. Children now have no financial ability to be independent and can only rely on their parents, but their personality and spirit are independent. If you want your future children to be generous and of good character, remember to show them respect.
Give your child some choice
"You want your child to do something, but the child is just unwilling to do it, refuse to do it, grind and rub." In the face of this situation, talking about conditions is not the only way to deal with it. You should let him understand that everyone is responsible for their own choices and actions, such as children who do not want to write homework and want to play with their friends first.
Then you give him a choice: do you want to finish your homework and then go out for half an hour or play with your friends for a while before writing your homework? If you choose to play with your friends first, you may miss dinner time and may not have dinner to eat. This choice is given to the child, let him make his own decisions, which can not only play a certain role in supervising, but also exercise the child's independent ability.
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