Friends have been very distressed recently, saying that the blind date boys are all very good, but they do not understand romance, and the details are not good enough.
I asked her why she didn't understand the law of romance, and what the details were not done well, and she said, "I went out to see him, and he didn't even say a word about safety." ”
This boy is a blind date to know, the two people chatted well on each other added WeChat, some time ago friends were busy at work did not meet, it was difficult to take annual leave to get a few days, they promised each other to have dinner at night.
Before going out, I was still chatting on WeChat, and after going out, my friend's mood changed 360 degrees, because she and the other party said: "I am going out now." ”
The other party only replied with two words——— good.
My friend said that I was standing in front of the house for ten minutes, and I stared at my phone, thinking that he probably forgot about it, and as a result, for ten minutes, he did not send a message again.
She felt as if the relationship had died in the details before it had even begun.
Even if you chat and chat again, how good you feel about each other, the points deducted in this detail are the degree to which you feel and don't want to continue.
She didn't want much, but she wanted his subconscious concern, remember to hold up an umbrella when it rained, remember to add clothes when it was cold, pay attention to safety when going out, and that's it.
She is very lost, on the one hand, she feels sorry for her premature love, and on the other hand, she hates that she has too many expectations of others.
There are no expectations, so there will be no disappointment.
I used to like to pin my expectations on others, and that was a sense of security for me, as if we were crew members in the same boat, carrying together no matter what danger we encountered, and our lives were linked.
Until one day the other party left the boat without a sound, and I also drowned at sea because of neglect of rowing.
When I grew up a little, I slowly discovered that it was not because the other party left me that I would drown, but that I expected too much from him, I wanted him to stay on the boat forever, I hoped that he would always be at the helm, I hoped that when danger came, he would protect me, all this, just my personal expectations.
It was my expectations that drowned myself.
Take my friend, the blind date boy is actually very good, he is filial and kind, highly educated and stable, private life inspection, people look OK, is a very high-quality marriage partner. However, it is clear that all aspects of the conditions are impeccable, but in a sentence of "pay attention to safety" defeated.
I don't know what kind of mood the blind date man was based on when he said "good", after all, there is a huge difference in thinking between men and women.
The girl's perspective may feel that the other party is not loving enough to not pay attention to details, and for boys, maybe it is just a simple reply.
The friend was depressed for several days, and finally came to the conclusion that she was too harsh, and did the details really matter that much?
Weight is not important, or depends on the object.
If the other person is an ordinary friend, even if he says to pay attention to safety, it does not seem to have a ripple in your heart, because you have no expectations of him. But if the other party has a good feeling for someone, he will say a word less, you will be grumpy for a long time.
I suddenly remembered a very classic sentence in the ancient urban drama "The Naked Marriage Era", details beat love.
Why can details beat love? Because there are very few big events in life, only piles, inconspicuous but very important small things.
And these little things are made up of countless small details.
Being harsh on the person you love seems to be the norm for most people, so you will ask the other party to do every detail, because the details contain not only love, but also full of expectations.
This expectation is fatal.
Whether it's a relationship or a daily interaction, once you set expectations for someone, it may seem to others to have no impact on behavior, but because it does not meet your standards, your reaction will be extremely abnormal.
I certainly understand that the adult world is inherently exhausting, and sometimes there are limits in our own strength, and expectations will help us survive some difficult times.
Recently another friend is getting married, and we rarely ask about each other's love life, but more about our own affairs. Therefore, my relationship with her still stays in the impression that she "accused" her boyfriend of not even sending a bouquet of flowers.
I still remember her saying that others had the envy of flowers when they were in love, and a little helplessness about her boyfriend's hatred of iron and steel. She was in graduate school, her boyfriend began to start a business after high school, both of them are pragmatic and self-motivated personalities, stumbling for six years, and finally came to the step of talking about marriage.
I was actually a little shocked when I heard the news, and I asked her, did he start sending you flowers?
Friends said that they sent a bouquet of broccoli on the last love anniversary, and he said that he could not only see but also cook, the best of both worlds.
It was strange that after reading her message, even if I couldn't see her, I could actually feel a hint of sweetness.
Friends said that she had expectations about [romance] with her boyfriend, but only unilateral expectations, she did not say it frankly, so almost every time she was sulking, and even felt that the other party did not love herself enough, why can others do it, but he can't do it?
So why get married?
My friend said that I used to compare what he didn't have with others, but I never thought that the things he did for me might be something that many people couldn't do.
Before confirming the relationship, she was going to Cambodia as a volunteer teacher, they made an appointment to go out for a walk in the evening, sent her back to the dormitory without saying a few words, went to Cambodia to rummage through the luggage only to find that he stuffed $1,000 in his bag, asked him what was wrong, he said he was afraid she had no money.
And just after graduation, they were so poor, even a hundred yuan to save flowers, that time just hit the typhoon, she only had a cotton coat, not cold at all, he dragged her to the brand store, self-righteously bought a storm jacket for her, the price was their living expenses for nearly a month, she was very angry, think he did things recklessly, and he wore a thin coat, smirked and said, you are the worst consequence if you catch a cold.
She did have expectations of him, but those expectations, which were only small expectations that existed on the basis of love, were of course best to have, and it didn't seem so bad not to have them.
When you are in love, you can have expectations for each other, and I even think that you should have expectations for each other, there are no 100% lovers, but there are lovers who are willing to change and try to meet your standards.
But the premise is that you have to accept that expectations may be disappointed, accept that the other party has many advantages, but can not meet your expectations.
Otherwise you're going to be miserable because it's going to be looking at you repeatedly for answers, are you wrong? Shouldn't you expect from others?
It's a cyclical process that turns on again the next time you meet someone else.