Even the most perfect parents will raise scarred children

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In family life, it is inevitable that there will be moments of chicken flying and dog jumping and chaos, but fortunately we will always have the opportunity to reflect and carry out "post-war reconstruction".

In the "post-war reconstruction" of parent-child relationship, the most important step is to "review", review and summarize the events that have happened, and see where they have done well and where they can do better.

The following is through a mother's record, teach you how to rebuild the intimate relationship with the child through review.

Event background

Miao Miao is my youngest son, three years old. Momo is Miao Miao's good friend and a neighbor upstairs and downstairs.

Yesterday, Miao Miao and Momo came home from kindergarten together. When she went downstairs to take the elevator, Miao Miao first pressed the button down, and Ink ink then pressed the button up. Miao Miao was so anxious that she was about to cry and said, "You can't press it anymore." Then he rushed over and poked his hand into Ink Ink's eyes, and also grabbed them fiercely, and Me and Mom Mo were so frightened that they quickly separated them.

I suppressed the anger in my heart and said, "Miao Miao can't grasp Mo Mo's eyes, if the eyes are injured, they can't see." Miao Miao listened to my words and immediately burst into tears. At this time, the elevator came, and Momo said that she took Momo up first, and I said "good" and apologized to Momo. Miao Miao saw Thatimo take the elevator upstairs, and cried even harder, asking me to hug her.

I hugged him, and when he calmed down a bit, I said, "Miao Miao grabbed Momo's eyes, and Momo would be very painful." Listening to my words, Miao Miao directly lay on the ground and cried.

After crying for three or four minutes, Miao Miao got up on her own, wiped her tears and walked to the corner, standing with her back to me, still muttering something in her mouth. Looking at his small figure, I was really angry and funny, and my heart was much calmer.

At this time, the elevator came again, Miao Miao came to take a look, "hummed" and went to the corner. I said, "Mom wants to go up, miao miao, do you want to go up with me?" Miao Miao didn't want to pay attention to me a little, but I was a little anxious, so I said, "Mom wants to go to the toilet." He suddenly came crying again and asked me to hold it.

I realized that Miao Miao had parts that needed to be seen by me, and when he cried a little less, I said, "Just now Miao Miao didn't want Mo Mo to press the button up, didn't she?" Miao Miao cried even more aggrieved after listening, and I continued: "Miao Miao is very anxious to see Mo Mo pressing the elevator. He let out an "um" and suddenly stopped crying.

When I recorded this incident, I saw that I had too much guilt about Momo and Mom. Miao Miao has repeatedly bitten, poked, and kicked Mo Mo before, Mo Mo is very tolerant of Miao Miao every time, Mo Mom is even worried that I will feel embarrassed, and also sent me a text message to comfort me, saying that Mo Mo is fine. At that time, I was caught up in my own "should and should not" and "right and wrong", caught in my own emotions, did not see Miao Miao's anxiety, grievances, did not see The shock of Ink.

Review

After it happened, finding a quiet time, I started to rewind back to the playback. When Miao Miao grabbed people, I was really frightened, because Miao Miao's fingers scratched Mo Mo's eyes, what if Mo Mo's eyes were injured? In addition to being frightened, the emotions of irritation, blame, worry, and fear rushed up and turned into a cloud of anger pressed against the chest.

In fact, at this time, I entered the problem area, and I should send my message to the child: "My mother just startled a lot, and I am really worried that Momo's eyes will hurt." ”

If Miao Miao has an emotion, shift gears to listen: "Miao Miao saw that Mo Mo pressed the up button, especially anxious. If Miao Miao could calm down, she could turn to pay attention to Ink Ink: "Was Ink Just scared?" If Momo agrees with this feeling, he can relay it to Miao Miao: "Momo has just been frightened. ”

Next, you can relay to Momo how Miao Miao felt at that time: "Miao Miao saw that you pressed the up button, he was too anxious. In fact, Momo may also have his feelings, and this part can also be relayed to Miao Miao: "Momo is worried that if he presses the button down, the elevator will go down, and he will not be able to get home." ”

The part where Momo feels pain, if the child expresses it, can also be relayed to Miao Miao: "Miao Miao, Mo Mo will be very painful." ”

If the children are calm, a third method can be used to help them resolve the conflict. You can tell them: "Miao Miao just wants to press the button down, Momo is worried that he won't be able to go upstairs, so what to do, let's play a game of finding a way." ”

For Mom Mo, after the child's affairs are resolved, you can express to her: "You were scared at the time, I was also frightened, I was really worried that Mo Mo's eyes would hurt, and now I think about it." ”

After Momo left, when I said, "Miao Miao scratched Momo's eyes, Momo will be very painful", When Miao Miao directly lay on the ground and cried, I should listen to Miao Miao: "Mother said so, you are not happy." Then see how the child responds, and then continue to listen.

When I had several failed experiences and reviewed them, I found that the reason for failure was that I only paid attention to the right and wrong of the matter itself, and judged too much whether the child should do that. In fact, when a conflict occurs, you should first pay attention to the child's emotions and feelings. After the child has walked out of the problem area, let the child see that there are many other solutions when the conflict occurs.

When we can show our children how to resolve conflicts in a good way, they will learn to care about each other's feelings, understand that conflict is not a bad thing, and learn the wisdom of conflict resolution.

After review

If it was not expressed at that time, I will express it to the parties afterwards. You can tell the child what the mother did not do well at that time and what could have been done. If you can let the child admit his mistakes, in fact, he also sends a message to the child: it doesn't matter if you make mistakes, your mother will also make mistakes, and there are times when you don't do well.

As I recorded this, I was moved to tears. Because of the recurrence of things, I see the "greatness" of children; I see Momo's tolerance of good friends; I see Mo Mom's understanding; I see that I am so lucky to have such good friends; I also see friendship flowing between two children and two adults, and I see my own little progress. Really grateful for all this!

The next day, I used two dolls, a penguin and a rabbit, to recreate yesterday's events with Miao Miao in a game. We used the third method to think of some methods, and finally Miao Miao chose two dolls to press the elevator once each, and then took the elevator home together. I said, "Wow, the next time Miao Miao and Momo want to press the elevator, Miao Miao and Momo can also play this game of figuring out." Miao Miao said happily, "Yes, you can go home with Momo." ”

That's how children lead us to grow. As parents, we don't have to be perfect, and we really can't be perfect, but we can choose to face it more authentically. This process is the love for the child and the love for oneself.

Source: Stupid Bird Reading