Hello everyone, I am Xu Chuan, a senior emotional and marriage counselor who has solved emotional problems more than 10,000 times.
A few days ago, I saw a paragraph on the Internet: if there is no spirit between husband and wife, it is two pieces of meat, and it is two pieces of bacon hanging together, this metaphor is quite funny, and the current state of most seemingly detached couples is very vividly outlined, which at first glance sounds really ridiculous and sad.
Two people can attract each other and come together, is a kind of fate, how to maintain this good relationship, husband and wife hand in hand, is the most critical. The world in which people really live is the spiritual world, so people must have spirit, the reason why many couples often have conflicts, marriage encounters the intervention of a third party, and even finally divorce, can not give the child a complete home, are because the spiritual field of both sides is not synchronized, the pursuit is inconsistent, and finally the person who loves each other is like a stranger.
I received such a consultation during the holidays. The counselor is a woman who suffers from her husband's extramarital affair.
"Teacher, my husband has cheated on me, but I don't want to give up the family, the child is still so young, I think as long as he can change I am willing to give him another chance." But after I knew he was cheating, I messed with him and asked him not to contact the women outside, but he was very impatient, as if I was making trouble for no reason. Why is he like this? Isn't it him who is wrong? ”
I asked her, "So what else are you doing but messing with him?" ”
She said, "No, I had a breakdown the moment I knew he was cheating, even if I still had the heart to start again with him, but I found myself unable to do it." After all, none of this is as easy as you think. For the women outside, too, in fact, I also want to go to the woman, tear her up, and ask her why she destroyed my family, but my husband did not let me go, he said that if I dared to go, he would divorce me directly. I am both aggrieved and sad now, what should I do? ”
Marriage encountered husband cheating is unfortunate enough, more unfortunately this lady does not know what to do after encountering husband cheating, will only blindly cry, threaten her husband, threaten to find a third party.
She made the mistakes that all women can make in marriage, and the result is obvious, her husband could have "changed his mistakes when he knew it", but he was so upset by his wife that he was struggling with whether to stay in the family or not, and even became very indifferent to his wife.
As mentioned earlier, people are very dependent on the spiritual world for life, we will choose things that are acceptable to the spiritual world, the same frequency, if the spiritual world is disrupted, we will feel that we can't deal with these things, just want to escape, and we will leave a lot of sad people waiting for us in the same place.
So, how do you change your mind from the spiritual world and give some solid advice to women who want to defend their marriage and separate from the third party?
01
Control your emotions
In marriage, there are always all kinds of unhappiness and run-in, but the most heart-wrenching thing is that the husband betrayed himself and completely lost the dignity and self-confidence of the most wife. Men cheat, he himself is out and happy, but all the pain is carried by women, which makes many wives very uneasy.
At this time, most wives either want to "tear" with men, or go to find Xiao San to "tear", perhaps a physical conflict, perhaps a verbal war. But in fact, no matter what you do, it is you who ultimately hurt yourself.
I understand that when the intimate relationship between two people is destroyed, the wife's pump is of course the husband, but the more powerful you are, the more the husband will fight with you, because people have tempers, even if the husband is wrong, but he will not be willing to let his wife vent all the time.
Many times if you want to solve a problem, you need to let go of your emotions first. Because when the contradiction arises, the feeling has already cracked, and if the problem is to be solved by quarrel, then all the feelings will be consumed in the capricious emotions.
By analogy, what do women do when confronted with stalking hooligans? Most women will flee at the fastest speed at the first time, how fast they can run, where they will listen to what the other party says, because the posture of the other party alone has made women very disgusted. Then, men treat the unforgiving, noisy shrew the same, even if you are complaining for yourself, trying to solve the problem, but your posture has made the man unable to listen to any of the words you say.
So, control your emotions, because things have already happened, and whether you want to or not, it will not help.
02
Talk to your husband about the meaning of marriage
Maybe many women will think that this step is ridiculous, the husband cheating is to have abandoned the meaning of marriage, then follow this line of thought, if the husband does not want this home because of extramarital affairs, he wants to divorce you, with a third party, then they are not together also the last step to get married?
So, this is not actually a dogmatic persuasion, but an attempt to inspire the husband to think about the meaning of marriage, and then think about how to deal with the problem of his wife and lover after he cheats.
I once received such a consultation online, and the other party was a middle-aged man. He first spent a long time telling me how boring and chewing wax his life with his current wife was, and then he used a long page to tell me excitedly that he had met a woman from a client company, was very interesting, and was very compatible with him. He thought it was fun to be with that woman and seemed to have regained the passion of many years ago.
Xinhuan made him feel that he was still a "heartbeat" person, and he just wanted to go through years of ups and downs with his wife, so he didn't know how to choose.
When he asked me, I didn't answer him directly. But follow his words and say to him,
"Well, let's assume that now you've divorced your wife, who is tired of you. You are brightly with the new love, and you are married. What do you think at this time? ”
He said, "If that were the case, I would probably feel like the happiest person I am at the moment, just as passionate as when I was newly married." ”
I followed up on his words and asked, "So, what about after you get married?" Will it still be like a passion that has always remained the same? ”
He thought about it and said, "Probably not, after all, my age is not small, and I will not always be the age of a little boy." ”
"So at that time, what was the difference between your life and what you have now?"
He instantly understood what I meant, thought about it for a long time, thanked me, and said that he wanted to understand.
In fact, the essence of marriage is that it will become flat and boring. If you pursue excitement, passion, and freshness, then sooner or later all this will disappear. Because time is the answer to all questions, all new loves will become old loves, and all passions will one day become flat. If you don't adjust your mentality, blindly tired of boredom will only be like a mouse in a cage, always tirelessly looking for a new exit, but forever trapped in the same place.
As long as it is a man with an IQ greater than 20, he can actually understand this truth, if he really just thinks that the new is better, then he will never get the happiness he wants. Stable marriage is a safe haven for men, and constantly changing harbors will only make them have no place to live. No matter how big the wind and rain outside, then the same but always waiting is the real home.
What kind of marriage can become in the harbor depends entirely on the marriage management ability of the husband and wife, of course, this marriage management ability, part of which comes from the foundation laid by the original family, part of which comes from the external learning of the growth process, and part of which comes from the common exploration, learning and practice of the husband and wife.
A wise woman who knows how to look inward and introspect, sees what causes the current results, and knows how to quietly learn and change herself to make her heart stronger.
It has nothing to do with men, only for what they want to defend, want to live a full life.
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