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People have emotions, and sometimes they are swayed by emotions, and when they encounter unpleasant things, they always want to lose their temper. When getting along with people, as long as one party moves emotions, it is easy to cause quarrels. If both sides are emotional, they will quarrel endlessly.
But can quarrels solve the problem? Not really!
Quarrels and arguments are not the same, some people will confuse the two, obviously quarrels, but also said that they are arguing with others, there is no malice, but do not know, when you move the emotions, the other party has already felt malicious, he is uncomfortable in his heart, anti-lip ridicule, you will also be uncomfortable, so that there is no more argument to speak of.
Even if it is an argument, if the emotions are not managed well, it will not work. Some company bosses often make this mistake, they always encourage employees to argue in meetings, and they call it brainstorming, but the result is a fight between employees, which is really not the quality of a good leader.
The book "The Weakness of Human Nature" has a very profound interpretation of this problem: 90% of the arguments end in such a way that neither side will budge, and they are convinced that what they have is the truth. Maybe you're always right, not wrong at all, but in the other person's opinion, your opinion is like the attitude you had when arguing, hopelessly.
Carnegie said: "Never expect to win in an argument, even if you win an argument, you actually lose." What if you refute the other person's criticism and prove to everyone that the other person's point of view is wrong? Do you feel comfortable? What about the other side? You hurt his self-esteem, you make him lose face, and he will definitely disobey you. ”
He said that great men don't waste their time arguing, but not only great men, but ordinary people as well. We all want to get better and better, so why not start with changing the attitude of quarrel? Since quarrels can't solve the problem, can we not quarrel? Can I bypass the fight and seek other ways to solve the problem? The answer is yes.
In the case of marriage, can couples only solve problems by quarrelling? Let's imagine if you quarreled with your significant other, would it solve the problem? We can also recall that we and our other half once solved the problem because of a quarrel? Couples who have had this experience are not difficult to find that quarrels will not only hurt feelings, but also because the mood fluctuations are too large to swallow, can not sleep at night, what is the significance?
So the question arises: how do couples avoid endless quarrels?
On this subject, Dale Carnegie quotes tenor Jane Pierce: "Very early on, my wife and I had a common agreement that if one of us was angry, the other had to listen quietly, or both of them would roar and there would be no way to continue communicating. We promised not to break this agreement in the days to come, no matter how much we resent each other. ”
The reason he quotes this in the book shows that he agrees with this approach, which simply needs to do two things: listen first, and then communicate.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="14" > don't interject when listening. </h1>
When it comes to listening, in the inherent cognition of many people, there is such a picture: one side talks slowly, and the other side listens quietly. In fact, this is just one of the manifestations of listening, but all others can use listening when they speak and express their opinions.
Husband and wife relationship is a special interpersonal relationship, and other relationships are not the same, you need to grasp the "intimacy and distance" of these two elements, do not simply think that the husband and wife should have nothing to say, love words can be said without words, but hurtful words or less to say is better, which requires us to know how to listen.
It is not difficult to understand that when one of the couples is angry, the other party listens quietly and does not interject, lets the other party finish speaking, captures the focus of the other party's words, which can make the other party feel respected, and can make him let down his guard, and when he finishes what he wants to say, you let her rest, hand her a glass of water, enough to dispel half of the other party's anger, and then the communication will be very smooth.
Friend Liang Liang did a good job in this regard, when his wife was angry with him because her mother-in-law did not pay back the money, when he asked him, "My mother-in-law owes me money and does not pay it back, you don't care", he quietly listened to his wife after she finished speaking, first handed her a glass of water to let her moisten her throat, and then said: "It is good to leave the matter to me, but can we not quarrel?" ”
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="19" Don't be impulsive when communicating >. </h1>
It is often said that communication is the bridge that builds interpersonal relationships. This view is often understood as "communication is a bridge to establish a relationship with strangers", which is not right, and people who have established relationships also need to communicate with each other, especially in special relationships like husband and wife, and no one should be too lazy to communicate because they have become family members.
The reason why many couples will argue endlessly is because of the lack of communication all the time, if you communicate a lot of things in advance, like Pierce mentioned above, you have an agreement with his wife, you can avoid quarrels.
The agreement between husband and wife is best done before marriage, there are three chapters of the covenant law before marriage, specifically for the "quarrel" of this kind of thing, there is an agreement, after marriage can avoid quarrels, even if quarrelsome, it may also be in accordance with the agreement to stop quarreling, based on the agreement communication will be very smooth.
And if there is no agreement on "quarrel" before marriage, and there is a quarrel after marriage, the most important thing is not to stop arguing, but how to avoid endless quarrels in the future, at this time, you should take the opportunity of quarrel to establish an agreement.
Liang Liang mentioned in the previous article did this, and after listening to his wife's words, he took advantage of the situation to communicate with his wife when he said, "Can we not quarrel". The specific details are not too much to repeat, as long as the two people are reasonable people, just on the issue of "how to avoid quarrels" in depth communication, there will be a very happy result.
What needs to be reminded is that the communication after the quarrel should not be impulsive, especially when you have quietly listened to the other party's speech, if you are impulsive, you will give up your previous achievements, the other party is not easy to let down your guard because of your temperament, dispel half of the anger, if you think that communication is your turn to get angry, it will only stimulate the other party's greater anger, when the two sides shout at each other, the above two methods will be ineffective.