Hello everyone, I am a small point, a little spiritual point.
Lu Jingshan, a Mixed-Race actress who is well known to the public for starring in Wu Jing's war action movie "Wolf Warrior 2", said in an interview that her father told her how to know if a person is the object of your marriage, and you should ask yourself three questions first:
1. Without him, can I live. If the answer is no, then your love for him is not love, but a dependence, and you need him to fill in some of your missing things.
2. Can I let him have a good growth. You want this person to become a better version of yourself, not to take away his hopes.
3. If one day the other party is sick or has an accident or other bad things, can I love him the same way?
Lu Jingshan and Han Geng announced their relationship in 2018 and completed their marriage the following year, and I believe that they gave their own affirmative answers to these three questions. Today we will talk about the appearance or standard that a happy marriage should have - the love triangle theory.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="12" > love, not demand</h1>
First of all, it should be made clear that the dependence and need mentioned above are unsatisfied deficiencies, not love.
Love that is bound by a specific need is likely to fade away because of the uselessness of the need being satisfied.
As the Art of Love says, immature love declares, "I love you because I need you." Mature love is: "I need you because I love you." ”
By Anastasia Pexels
First of all, it should be made clear that the dependence and need mentioned above are unsatisfied deficiencies, not love. Love that is bound by a specific need is likely to fade away because of the uselessness of the need being satisfied.
Maslow, an American humanistic psychologist, divides human needs into 5 levels, from low to high, physiological needs, security needs, love and belonging needs, respect needs, and self-actualization needs.
The lack of any kind of need will have a different impact on our lives, especially in childhood, if the basic needs are not well met, it is easy to ask for compensation in other ways in adulthood. Like what:
You should remember wedding anniversaries, Valentine's Day, my birthday;
You should take the initiative to ask and care when I am helpless and lonely;
You should always support me when no one else believes me.
If you can't do that, you don't love me
Our endless expectations and demands of our partners are like reproducing the situations we encountered as children:
Intentional or unintentional neglect, loneliness that no one cares about, denial that is not understood and recognized, etc.
Bring the lack of the original family into the marriage, transform it into the "standard" of love, let the partner comply with it, and hope to get correction and healing.
This is the irrational instrumentalization of love, not what good love should look like. Love is love and should have its own unique characteristics.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="38" >What is the love triangle theory? </h1>
According to cognitive psychologist Robert Sternberg, love consists of three elements: intimacy, loyalty, and passion. From this, four types of love forms can be combined:
Romantic love: intimacy + passion, lack of loyalty.
Companionate love: Intimacy + loyalty, lack of passion.
Fatuous love: loyalty + passion, lack of intimacy.
Consummate love: Intimacy + passion + loyalty.
In addition to "perfect love", the other three are more or less "flawed": either lack of passion and can only be friends; or lack of loyalty and cannot last long; or intimacy is not enough, and it is easy to flash marriage and divorce.
The ideal state of love is the Trinity, intimacy, loyalty, passion are up to standard, belonging to the "thorough" happiness.
By Becerra Pexels
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="54" > what can we do for love? </h1>
But as Sternberg says, this perfection is similar to weight loss: it's easy to do in a short time, but it's hard to stick to it for long.
But if you don't make any effort, happiness is even more out of reach, so let's break through one by one to see how to take each step of the three elements of love.
(1) Intimacy
The most obvious outward manifestation of intimacy is the proximity of the body, shoulder to shoulder, bowing hands, talking at each other table, looking at each other, each distance is an illustration of the relationship.
The American anthropologist Edward Hall divided interpersonal distance into four types: intimate area (0-0·5m), personal area (0·5m-1·2m), social area (1·2m-3·5m), and public area (more than 3.5m). So if we want to enhance our feelings with others, we can start by shortening the distance.
But just as it is said to "enhance feelings", not "increase intimate feelings", if the other party already has a bad impression of you, or even hates you, then rushing to approach will only be self-defeating and increase disgust.
In the case of normal non-acquaintance, the simple exposure of stimuli can improve the individual's attitude experience, which is the "mere exposure effect" proposed by psychologist Zarongtz: we will prefer things that we are familiar with, and the more we see someone, the more we feel that the person is likable and pleasant.
Used on someone, there may be too many factors affected, the self feel is not obvious, then think back to your experience of visiting Taobao: the same goods, you originally had no feeling for it, but under the operation of big data, it is always pushed to you, let you repeatedly brush it, look at it, as if it feels OK, look at it a few more times, you feel suitable for your own order.
This is another form of "killing" - a growing liking for something that is getting more and more ripe.
So when you want to pursue the object of your affection, there is nothing to dangle in front of his eyes first, and mix his face. Proximity often leads to familiarity, which in turn leads to liking, paving the way for further development.
The same is true for old husbands and wives, and studies have shown that unhappy spouses maintain greater interpersonal distance than satisfied spouses.
Qingqing me, cuddling and hugging is not just the exclusive of young and young, the desire for love and happiness, regardless of whether young or old.
By Shvets Pexels
(2) Loyalty
What we call loyalty here is a decision that has nothing to do with emotion or temperament, belongs to the component of rational cognition, and pays their best efforts to maintain love, reducing the pain caused by intimate relationships when they encounter ups and downs.
In the encyclopedic psychological work Intimate Relationships, three mechanisms of behavior for maintaining loyalty are mentioned:
1. Accommodative behavior: Restrain yourself from responding to your partner's anger with anger. When arguing, holding back against lip service and controlling anger, consciously protecting intimate relationships from harm, is not easy but worth doing.
2. Willingness to sacrifice: Sacrificing self-interest for the sake of relationship harmony. As small as accompanying him to watch a movie that he likes but he is not interested in, to giving up his career and returning to his family, they are all showing their unrepentant loyalty to love.
3. Perceived superiority: Believing that one's own intimacy is better than others's. Change the infidelity motive of "the family flower has no wildflower fragrance" and recognize the truth that "the person in front of you is the sweetheart".
Psychologist and philosopher Fromm said: Falling in love with someone is not only a strong feeling, but also a decision, judgment, and commitment. If it is only a feeling, there is no basis for the commitment of eternal mutual love. Feelings can be born or destroyed.
Showing loyalty to our lover at all times helps our love to live forever.
By Polina Pexels
(3) Passion
The irrepressible fascination with lovers causes hormones to soar and dopamine to be secreted, which distinguishes them from whether the other person is a normal friend or Mr. Right。
But the reason for your shortness of breath and fast pulse may not only be love, but also may be nervousness, anxiety, fear, etc., so the same physiological arousal does not necessarily point to the only emotional experience, and we can use this principle to reverse the feeling of "creating" love.
Donald Hutton, a psychologist at the University of British Columbia, did a famous "suspension bridge experiment":
When a person crosses the suspension bridge in fear, his heart will involuntarily beat faster, and if at this time, he happens to meet another person, then he will mistakenly understand this rapid heartbeat caused by the situation as the other party making his heart move, so he breeds emotions.
Now understand why dating has to go to horror movies, play secret rooms, bungee jumping, just to trigger "stimulation" and let the adrenaline assist.
It also explains why reconciliation after a big fight between partners is particularly passionate, because the aftermath of the highly aroused physiological response caused by anger is still there. That's why I say: The most valuable value of quarrels lies in the intimacy of reconciliation.
By Nothing Ahead Pexels
Many people in the siege can't help but complain that their partners are not as considerate, romantic, and energetic as when they were in love, and I think the reasons can be found in these three elements.
Only loyalty will be like two strangers living together;
Only intimacy, like there is always a gap between peers and friends;
Only passion, but also a fleeting dew love.
Although there is no perfect love in the world, we can become each other's happiest partners on the long road of life. The road is long and long, may psychology help you.
- END -
Author: Wen Jiao, a psychology enthusiast who likes fitness.
Image source: Pexels.com
One point spirit, focusing on personal psychological growth, warm and powerful love for you