On April 2, "My Sister" was released, and this film filled a gap in Chinese films, about "second child", about "fu di devil".
Born into a multi-child family, do you have some unspeakable pain?
You are the eldest in the family, have you been lectured by your parents since you were a child, and when you are older, you have to let your younger brothers and sisters?
Are you the oldest child in the family, and are you suffocated by your parents' omnipresent attention?
Or maybe you are the second eldest in the family, there are brothers and sisters on the top, there are younger sisters on the bottom, and you have never felt the feeling of existence?
The reason why "supporting the brothers and demons" has aroused heated discussion is not only the phenomenon of "son preference" in Chinese history, in fact, in the whole world, in families with many children, there is a common problem: "Children are in different orders, experiencing love and pain."
Before "My Sister" was released, I wanted to borrow three children from a classic Western film to see the "unbalanced family" that we often overlook.
In the movie "Guardian of the Sister", the different attitudes of parents towards the three children present the most common problems in multi-child families:
The imbalance of family relationships, the imbalance of love. And in an unbalanced family relationship, no one wins.
The situation of the Fizger family is a little special. The eldest daughter, Kate, was diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia at the age of five, and in order to save the daughter's life, the parents carefully screened a special genetic combination to create a donated child, Anna. Anna is the youngest daughter of this family, the storehouse of her sister's body, and the guardian of her sister. They also have a son, Jesse.
A leukemia patient, a spare stock of leukemia patients, and one that has nothing to do with leukemia, have created three children with different statuses and treatment in this family.
01
Objectified Anna
Anna, 11, has undergone eight hospitalizations, six catheter insertions, two bone marrow transplants, and two stem cell purifications. From the moment she was born, she continued to contribute to her sister various parts of her body, umbilical cord blood in infancy, white blood cells for blood transfusions, bone marrow, lymph... And, without her consent, it seems that this is what is taken for granted, and this is what it should be.
Only this time, the mother had to take one of her kidneys again, and Anna wanted to refuse. She didn't want to be asked for it endlessly like this, and she wanted to live a normal life, not because she was missing a kidney and living cautiously.
However, the mother did not agree. Mother accused her, how can you see death without salvation, how can you not love?
Anna had to sue her parents for her right not to donate.
This is Anna's life, this is her mother's attitude towards Anna.
In her mother's eyes, Anna was objectified. There is a detail that in the process of Anna's countless innocent and painful donations to her sister, the mother did not care about Anna's pain once. The same surgery, Anna also endured long needles, uncomfortable reactions, but the mother never thought that she would also be in pain.
In her mother's eyes, Anna is really just a living spare stockpile, as long as her sister has needs, she will give without complaint, and she cannot have any will of her own. As long as I want, as long as you have, you have to give.
Objectified Anna is aggrieved, angry, she screams, I am important too! I'm important too! I also want to live the life I want! I also have the right to refuse!
Rejection is not because you don't love, but because you don't want to be ignored, you don't want to be taken for granted. In that supposed request, I do not exist, I am not a person, but a tool that you use, take, and materialize.
Just like the boss of each family, it is not that he does not love his brothers and sisters, but under this rightful "should let go", there are many grievances and unwillingness in his heart, and they want a right to be treated equally.
More parents will not objectify their children like mother Brian, their original intention is to hope that children will care for each other, but under this requested "to care", it gives the child the feeling of being materialized, but creates more contradictions between siblings.
If you walk into the counseling room, you will hear many stories of mutual resentment between brothers and sisters, especially the boss, in Chinese families, because of the requirements of "the big to let the small, to love the small", breed a lot of the boss resentment, they will take advantage of the parents are not bullying the small, and even grit their teeth to curse the small to die.
It's not that you don't love, but don't use me as a tool of love.
Don't think that I should love, between love and non-love, I have my right to choose, I also have the right to defend my rights.
I am also your child, and I need love too.
02
Jesse doesn't exist
Jesse was the least existential kid in the family.
From the day Kate fell ill, the focus of the family was on Kate. The mother resigned and went home to take care of Kate wholeheartedly. Kate's sudden illness at any time is the biggest thing in the family. When there is no disease, it is necessary to take good care to prevent the onset of the disease, and when the disease occurs, it is even more thoughtful to look forward to early recovery.
And then what? When Kate is admitted to the hospital for emergency treatment, Anna is also admitted to the hospital to offer donations, and when the family is busy in the hospital around the two children, what about Jesse?
The objectified Anna is still in the family circle at least because she can provide donations, while Jesse is completely out of the circle.
As a result, he suffered from dyslexia. Dyslexia is not just a dyslexia we understand, dyslexia reflects Jesse's anxiety after being marginalized, the desire to be noticed, he is saying, I am also sick, Mom and Dad, do you want to care about me too?
However, when he called for love in the form of dyslexia, his parents still did not see it, or sent him to the boarding school, and then coaxed him to be good here. What else can Jesse do but say OK with tears in his eyes?
He wandered the streets alone all day, and after wandering home in a panic after missing traffic, he thought he was in a big trouble, and no one found out, let alone comforted, how would this child feel when he found out that my presence was so unimportant?
I don't know how many seriously neglected children there are, but I do know that the neglected child grows up to be desperate to prove his existence. Just like in court, Jesse would break the agreement between their siblings and say that the reason Anna didn't want to donate her kidney was that Kate didn't want to live anymore. This voice must be made by him, and he must make it, in order to get enough attention.
And the sad thing is that the child who spends his life to prove his existence will often lose himself more and more in the proof, and he will not exist more and more.
03
Suffocated Kate
Anna is objectified, Jesse is ignored, what about Kate, the center of the family, surrounded by love, attracting all the attention?
We would all think she should be full of happiness, but not necessarily, Kate's heart is more stressful.
She knew that because her mother had lost her career, because of her, her father had lost her first love (her mother had given her all her energy, causing her father to lose her mother's first love), and the love that her younger siblings deserved had also been taken away by her. Because of her, Mom was left with only one identity, Kate's mom, and no longer a professional lawyer, a wife, a younger sibling's mother. Her mother's choice made her feel that the mistake was herself, and her heart was guilty.
At the same time, the mother's omnipresent attention, airtight and mixed with fear and worry of love, made the child suffocate.
How can a suffocated soul have vitality. Kate's most energetic moment was a brief relationship with a patient, because that was the one I had lived, the proof of my existence, and she really experienced the feeling of being alive, rather than carefully waiting for the illness to strike again and again, how could there be the motivation to live?
She did not have the strength to live any longer, and did not dare to speak directly about her pain, so she could only get the right to die by letting her sister sue her parents, a child surrounded by love, but she did not even have the right to die.
Kate said mom wouldn't give up on torturing me. What would it be like in her heart if the mother heard this?
We may never think that the love that the mother thinks is torture in the child's heart. We never think that this child, surrounded by love, has never felt true happiness.
Just like many brothers, sisters, and youngest children in the family, they grew up under the care of their parents, got used to everyone's pampering, care, and humility, and developed a pampered and willful personality, but they enjoyed it while panicking. If morality is not matched, how can we feel the happiness of life?
04
Unbalanced families
Where is the source of this family imbalance?
The absence of the father was one reason.
The mother's strong intervention was the direct cause.
Normal family relationships are balanced, everyone is central and everyone is not central. Everyone is in their right place. And if we artificially center someone, for whatever reason, the family relationship begins to become unbalanced.
When the father is soft enough that people cannot feel his presence, gives up the position of the "mountain" in his family, and becomes a psychological absence, the mother's anxious heart will be even more uneasy.
And this uneasy mother, in order to fight the fear of loss, forcefully built a siege city and put Kate in the center. She was a general in the charge, a husband, and her children were her warriors. She believes that life and death are at stake, and Kate should have priority.
However, she did not see that the daughter in the besieged city had been suffocated by the siege and did not have the courage to live, and her troops were about to fall apart.
She can't see the pain of her daughter's suffering, she doesn't understand the powerlessness in her daughter's heart, and she hopes that her daughter will be as brave as she is, to fight with death, to survive the operation.
Is it her daughter's wish to live, or her wish?
Keeping her alive is real love, or do you think it's love?
People who try to solve problems become problem makers.
The mother who desperately guards her child, but lets the child feel endless torture.
This is what we think of as love, those parents who are in the uneasy fear of giving all their children, when you use all your strength to accompany your children to improve their academic performance, improve life skills, and build good moral character, can you ask yourself, is this your wish or your child's wish, are you paying for your child, or is your child fulfilling you?
In unbalanced family relationships, no one wins.
In the midst of an unbalanced love, there are three children with different traumas.
I just feel sad that a mother who gives everything, because she lives in her own attachment, misses all her children.
Anna, who refused to donate a kidney to her sister, is the guardian of her sister, she guards her right to die, and guards her sister's right to an independent life. This is true guardianship, true love.
Love, not giving, not possessing, is not allowing you to live the way I want you to be.
Love is fulfillment, respect, and following the laws of life.
Parenthood is not easy. But still remind parents that everyone has their own right to life, parents are not Gods, do not put yourself in the position of a life master because of the position of your parents.
You have no right to define your child,
Nor does it have the right to give anyone a priority,
Artificially creating an unbalanced family relationship.
Life is created equal,
Put every child in your heart,
Treat each child as an individual,
Love well, love seriously.
Author:Fei Xiang
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