I usually like to take pictures and play, especially when the connection between people is "revealed".
For example, this one, filmed at the Moscow airport, seems to be about to separate lovers.
Another example is this, a couple who look at each other affectionately at the door of Notre Dame Cathedral.
In Soho, New York, the two old people waiting in line for the seat only have the look of each other in their eyes.
And then there's this rather vague (I only had a phone in my hand that doesn't work well for taking pictures) and reunited at the Los Angeles airport.
I've always been interested in connecting people and people.
Two people were originally independent souls, no different from any other stranger in the world in each other's eyes. As emotional connections are established, we become special and unique to each other, and your presence becomes important to me, as it is said in Once Upon a Time in America — the thought of you living somewhere in the world, existing, makes me willing to put up with everything.
Who says it doesn't look like magic?
However, in the metropolises of this era, people are busy spinning like gyroscopes, and feelings are like food, becoming "fast food". Such connections seem to be becoming more and more "extravagant" and difficult to have.
Today we will talk to you about the topic of "emotional connection", I hope that after reading today's article, you can think of the person who once walked into the boundaries of each other's souls with you, once deeply empathized with each other and carved each other.
Emotional connection is a sense of "alliance" and "intimacy," a feeling that "goes further" than physical attraction, playing together, superficial conversation, and even intellectual similarities— intimacy coach Julie Nguye puts it. People feel that it is a deeper, soul-level connection. At the same time, this deep sense of connection does not make people feel afraid, but makes people feel more secure in this world.
Sanam Hafeez, a new York neuroscientist, psychologist and phD faculty of clinical psychology at Columbia University, said, "Emotional connections need to be built through actions that expose emotions, feel, expose vulnerability, and express trust. It makes people feel that they can be their full selves in the relationship without worrying about hurting the relationship. When there is a lack of emotional connection in a relationship, people feel isolated from each other and a sense of loneliness that is difficult to alleviate. ”
Marriage counselor Rachel Wright even said, "Relationships without emotional connection are doomed to not last." A sense of emotional connection is the foundation of any kind of relationship. You have to invest your time, money, and energy to build it and nourish it for the long term. ”
Not only love, friendship, and affection, but also some feelings that cannot be simply named by labels require a sense of emotional connection, or rather, from a sense of emotional connection.
When emotional connection occurs, we become people who are "very close" in the true sense of the word. Otherwise, no matter what the name of our relationship, girlfriends, couples, or even couples, cannot change the fact that we are estranged from each other.
Saying so much, what kind of feeling is it that there is a sense of emotional connection? You can look at the performance of these 7 emotional connections:
1. No matter how complicated your relationship is, the foundation of the relationship must be deep friendship. You respect each other, treat each other in a human way, think each other's ideas are valuable, and you enjoy each other's company. Even if your relationship falls apart later on, you are still willing to know this person and still want to be friends with him.
2. You have some shared experiences that will be worth looking back on for many years to come.
3. Your relationship is reliable and lasting. You are always willing to communicate with each other, believing that the other person will not suddenly abandon you.
4. There is a deep exchange between you, and you can also be deeply silent together.
5. When something big happens in your life, you will want to tell each other. You will tell each other the secrets of your respective lives, and there is nothing that cannot be known by the other. You can be vulnerable in front of him.
6. Those with strong emotional connections are able to anticipate each other's actions and reactions. Because they know each other well enough. You have a strong, clear belief in "what kind of person the other person is," and you know whether you are optimistic or pessimistic, good traits or shortcomings, because you know each other's actions and reactions deeply.
7. (For romantic relationships), even if the passion subsides, you still feel happy together and enjoy each other's company.
Who do you think of when you see this?
The desire to have a deep connection with another person is not a sign of immaturity, weakness, or pathological symbiosis. Conversely, as an adult, it is very normal and healthy to have an emotional need for another person. The emotional value we need can be summarized into the following three points:
First, can I get attention from you when I need to? Can I ask you for attention? Will you spare time and energy for me?
Second, when I'm anxious, sad, lonely, and afraid, can you comfort me? Will you put in the effort for this?
Third, even when we were apart, did you always care about my state? Are your concerns and concerns consistent and reliable?
In each of our lives, we need people who can meet these three requirements. They can help us:
Have trusting, lasting relationships
Build good self-esteem
Acquire the ability to find social support
Emotional connection occurs when "we know each other's emotional needs and are confident that the other person always cares about us and is willing to support us."
Psychologist Justine Grosso says that emotional connections can give people a necessary sense of security. The sincere intimacy between people is like a flower, which can bloom in the soil of security. And making people feel fully secure in a relationship is the beginning of the magic of emotional connection. Security and emotional connection are mutually reinforcing and mutually reinforcing.
If we feel that we are not "safe" enough in front of the other party, cannot fully reassure ourselves/ expose ourselves, have doubts about whether the other party is willing/ capable of responding to our emotional needs, and have concerns about the other party's evaluation of ourselves, we and the other party can only establish a superficial sense of connection at most.
And when we have a deep sense of emotional connection, we will be very clear about what kind of person the other person is, and we are not trusting or feeling safe because we are overly idealizing each other. The sense of security that occurs as a result of emotional connections and the empty belief in each other's promises are two different things.
Even in relationships where the other party may not be good enough, if the emotional connection exists, we will deeply understand the shortcomings of the other party, know their stubborn diseases, so we are clear about what we can expect in the relationship, and everything can be predicted for ourselves. This sense of security comes from full understanding and the particularity and importance of oneself to the other person that is convinced by the deep connection of the soul.
Therefore, in this sense of security, we are stretched, determined, and calm. On the contrary, in the "belief" that lacks emotional connection, is only out of idealization and even self-deception, the sense of security we get is shaky, it is afraid to delve deeply, and it is tense and unrelenting.
When we don't feel safe, fear can trigger a part of the brain called the amygdala (responsible for the alarm) and we feel "threatened." If there is a sense of security in our relationship that comes from emotional connections, we can tell ourselves that this sense of being threatened is unreal, temporary, and doesn't need to "convince" ourselves not to be afraid.
And if the emotional connection between two people is relatively weak, it often requires a lot of self-persuasion, and it may not be able to hide the deep trepidation in the heart.
"This sense of emotional connection greatly enhances our sense of belonging to each other and is also very beneficial to our physical and mental health," concludes Justine Grosso.
The answer is that you can start by "deliberately" wanting to make an emotional connection with the other person.
Of course, in fact, there are many emotional connections that occur, not artificially, but naturally. You have some similar life experiences, or have experienced an unforgettable period of time together, or you have been together in some important moments of life development, and you have influenced each other's personality formation; you are just able to communicate emotionally and communicate with each other at the same frequency - you will naturally have an emotional connection.
So, cherish those who have an emotional connection with you, knowing that they are not common – especially for busy adults, everyone doesn't have much time for themselves, let alone for others – and then cherish them and continue to invest time and effort together in order to maintain their relationship.
At the same time, if you meet several people who are particularly eager to establish an emotional connection with them, especially a partner who wants to be with them for a lifetime, you need to know that emotional connection is also likely to be artificially established:
As partners, you have a natural advantage, which is mentioned earlier, and you will have a lot of common experiences. You will experience many important moments of life together. So you have to believe that the emotional connection between you must be possible — if you don't believe it, you have to let the "marriage" go down, and many people are doing this anyway.
As mentioned earlier, we actually have needs for others. The emotional value we expect from others is 1) the other person can be found by us, because they are willing to give time and energy to us when we need it; 2) the other party is willing to respond to me and comfort me; 3) the other party is concerned about my state from the heart, even if we are not together, they sincerely hope that I have a good life.
So, we can try to make emotional connections from two directions. On the one hand, we must deliberately show vulnerability to the other party, clearly express our needs, and demand the emotional value you want. On the other hand, we also need to "lead by example" and give each other "the kind of love we want."
Be a "findable" person for your partner, listening, affirming, comforting. Let the other party feel your sincere concern and attention, and do not hesitate to express your praise, care and love.
In fact, partners should be the two people who are most likely to establish an emotional connection. Of course, if you try hard and find that you still can't achieve it, you may also want to consider whether a relationship without emotional connection is really what you want and need.