(Original article, welcome to read, plagiarism and washing manuscript must be investigated)
Wen | the grace of the gods
Parents are a child's first teacher, and unfortunately, many parents are not qualified. Therefore, in recent years, various social phenomena caused by the problem of the original family have also increased, and the topic of the original family is often on the hot search.
Speaking of this, I think of the story of psychologist Li Xue and her mother. Li Xue is a post-80s, when she was a child, she was well-behaved and lovely, and she was a "child of someone else's family". However, the poor birth family filled her childhood with fear and despair, and even almost ruined her life.
Li Xue's father has a weak personality, and his mother is extremely strong, and the two often quarrel, which makes the family chickens fly and jump. Later, the two divorced, the father remarried, and the mother took Li Xue to live with him. After the divorce, the mother often vented her inner dissatisfaction on her daughter, and long-term emotional blackmail against her daughter, which made Li Xue miserable.
As an adult, Li Xue was admitted to the physics department of a prestigious university. A few years later, her mother hanged herself, which had a great impact on Li Xue. The death of her mother prompted her to develop a keen interest in psychology. To this end, she spent more than a decade studying psychology. Through studying psychology, gradually, Li Xue began to understand her mother's behavior. She found that her mother was extremely short of love, and because of this, she always blackmailed her daughter emotionally. However, the more she took it, the more painful she became, and eventually she ended her life by suicide.
Although Li Xue is unmarried and childless, she has more experience than most parents in raising children. Later, she wrote a book on her years of research, "When I Meet a Man: The Relationship Between Mother and Baby Determines All Relationships with Children." After reading this book, Zhang Defen said: "It is the growth history of Li Xue over the years of blood and tears. Reading it, you can feel the truth, sharpness, wisdom and courage between the lines. Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: "Li Xue can always express the complex feelings and motivations in the subconscious so clearly and transparently, such words always make me move and admire." ”
The book's waist cover reads: Love is "as you are," not "as I wish." This sentence points out the core of this book - to truly love a person, you must accept him as he is, rather than trying to transform the other person. As a parent, you will not love your child in the right way, and you may ruin your child's life. On the contrary, if we learn to love our children with our hearts, we learn to heal our childhood wounds.
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When I met a person Li Xue ¥39 purchase
01 Active interaction with children
Children are simple in heart, and when their hearts are full of love, they can freely express their feelings. At this time, it is very important that parents can respond in time.
For example, when a child laughs, parents can also respond to their children with a smile; when a child cries, parents will comfort their children. The positive response of parents can cultivate children with higher empathy ability. This interactive relationship is called "resonance interaction". It is the most harmonious parent-child relationship.
However, the reality is that most parents only care about their children's eating and drinking, but they do not pay attention to their children's emotional world. This is putting the cart before the horse. Through long-term observation, Li Xue summed up three wrong parent-child models.
The first is the parent-centered type. Parents ignore their children's feelings for a long time, which will make children suppress themselves, cater to their parents, and finally become a flattering personality. People with a flattering personality always regard others as more important than themselves, live particularly tired, and it is difficult to establish real emotional links with others.
The second type is irrelevant. Simply put, it is chicken and duck. For example, the child tells the mother that she helped a blind man cross the street, but the mother only blames the child for coming home too late. Over time, children will have the illusion of being abandoned by their parents, and it is easy to develop anxiety.
The third type, called emotional reversal, refers to the fact that parents always give their children the opposite emotional response. For example, if the daughter scored 90 points, the parents not only did not praise the child, but blamed him for not being able to score 100 points. These behaviors of parents will stifle the beauty in the child's heart. Such a child will have a serious "unworthy" mentality and dare not enjoy the good times in life.
Li Xue believes that in order to avoid the wrong parent-child interaction model, parents should encourage their children to express themselves freely, actively respond to their children's current feelings, and let children build a positive and true self.
02 Meet the real needs of children in a timely manner
Children will have various needs in the process of growing up. In the face of their children's needs, parents usually have two reactions, one is unconditional satisfaction, and the other is to find various reasons for dissatisfaction.
Let's start with the first case.
Many parents seem to love their children very much, and they create extremely superior material conditions for their children. Ironically, they find that their children are not happy. The reason is simple, parents do not understand the real needs of their children. To put it bluntly, the child wants to eat an apple, but the parents give the child a basket of pears. Many parents are very poor when they are young, and after becoming parents, they do their best to provide the best material environment for their children, but they do not understand the real needs of their children. Parents' approach is essentially satisfying their own inner sense of scarcity.
Let's talk about the second case.
In life, you can also see such an example: the child wants a toy, and the mother is reluctant to buy it for him, on the grounds that the toy is too expensive. The child is very eager for his father's company, but the father says that he wants to work to earn money to support the family, and there is no time to accompany the child. Buy toys, play with, these are the normal needs of children, if parents can do it, but are not willing to do it, then the child will have a sense of lack and shame in their hearts.
Children with a serious sense of inner deprivation have an invisible "black hole" in their hearts. When they grow up, no matter how rich their lives are, their psychology is still not satisfied. Children with a strong sense of shame are used to suppressing their true feelings. When they grow up, most of them live as "good old people", even if someone violates their interests, they dare not fight.
If parents really can't satisfy their children for the time being, the best thing to do is to tell their children honestly. Children are pure in nature, and telling the truth will not hurt children, on the contrary, cheating children under various pretexts will hurt children's hearts.
If the mother doesn't want to buy that toy, she can tell the child very calmly, "This toy is too expensive, let's pick a cheaper toy, can we?" Fathers who are busy with work can tell their children, "Dad will work overtime this weekend, and he will accompany you on Sunday night, okay?" ”
Parents tell their children the truth, and their children will be very reasonable. Subconsciously, they will not be implanted with the belief that "you are not worthy". When such a child grows up, he will have a clear sense of boundaries and a strong sense of security. Raising children in this way, children will have a healthy personality.
03 Let children fall in love with reading
Zeng Guofan said: "The temperament of a person, because of his nature, is difficult to change, but reading can change his temperament." Nowadays, reading can not only change a person's temperament, but also change a person's destiny.
Many parents complain that their children do not love to read. As everyone knows, guiding children to fall in love with reading requires certain skills and methods.
First, let the child lead the reading activities on their own. That is to say, children can choose their own books and make their own reading plans. Secondly, when the child is immersed in the world of the book, parents should not disturb the child at will, and do not cut off the spiritual link between the child and the book. Finally, when children and parents exchange reading experience, parents should communicate with their children on an equal footing and respect their imagination and creativity.
Through reading, children can understand the world more deeply, and at the same time, reading can also inspire children to explore the unknown world. At this time, what parents have to do is to accompany their children to explore new things, not to hinder their free experience. From reading to exploring the world, children have a full sense of autonomy, see the diversity of the world, and naturally have more interest and motivation to read, and will love life more.
In addition to cultivating children's learning ability, reading can also enhance parent-child relationship.
When parents and children read a book together, there is a deep emotional connection within the parent and child. When the child feels the wholehearted companionship of the parents, the child's heart will be full of security. When reading a book with their child, parents can encourage their child to repeat the story. When children repeat the story, parents listen carefully, allowing children to build self-confidence in a relaxed atmosphere, thus forming a virtuous circle of children's love of reading.
The habit of reading can be cultivated in this way, and other good habits can also be cultivated in this way. No one likes to be preached, and no one likes to be controlled. When parents no longer transform their children, but give their children respect and love, it is only natural that children can follow the guidance of the inner spiritual embryo, grow up freely and healthily, and fall in love with reading.
04 The process of raising children is a kind of self-healing
Many young mothers are under a lot of pressure and always feel that they are not qualified to be mothers. In fact, moms are also human beings, and it is impossible to do everything perfectly. Psychologist Winnicott once put forward a point of view: don't be a perfect mother, be a 60-point mother.
In the face of what they can't do, mothers should learn to accept the status quo, rather than pushing the responsibility to the child, so that the child can take on the mother's negative emotions.
Many people do not get the love of their parents when they are young, and when they grow up, they are not good at expressing their true feelings. After becoming a parent, in the interaction with the child, the child can activate many emotions in their hearts, and these emotional flows will prompt them to become self-aware.
When parents lose control because of their children's behavior, parents should be soberly aware that this is the result of the parents' own inner child's pain being awakened, which is also the starting point of self-healing. Self-aware parents will continue to grow, and their parent-child relationship will become more and more harmonious.
When a timely emotional response mechanism is established between parents and children, both parties benefit. Parents respond positively to their children, making them feel safe, and the child's emotional feedback will in turn heal the parents' childhood trauma. This quiet and peaceful aura allows all family members to return to their most natural state.
In life, many parents always use secular standards to evaluate their children, resulting in many parent-child conflicts. Psychologist Jung said, "You don't even want to change someone else." To learn the same as the sun, just emit light and heat. Only oneself is one's own savior. ”
The meaning of life lies in experiencing a rich and free journey in life. If we live all day in the external value system, in the eyes of others, then we materialize ourselves. How can such a person live a good life, how can he be loyal to himself and lead his children to create a rich and free life together?
Love is as you are, not as I wish. Between people, even if they are as close as mother and son, they also have their own psychological boundaries. Truly qualified parents will not violate their children's psychological boundaries and will respect their children from the bottom of their hearts. And excellent parents will also constantly reflect on life and heal themselves in the process of raising their children, so as to create their own wonderful life.
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About the Author: Grace of the Gods, Writer, Multi-Platform Contracted Author. This article is an original article, plagiarism or washing must be investigated.