"My husband and I are like taking two different elevators, he has been up, and I have been going down, so staggered..." Japanese journalist Shigeo Saito once described the misplaced relationship between husband and wife in "Wives' Thoughts in Autumn".
In recent years, reports on the actual situation of the family and the relationship between marriage have appeared in japanese newspapers and have become a hot topic at the social level. In most real-world stories, the breakdown of a marriage may not have come at some point, but rather in the midst of forbearance and compromise, with one or both parties gradually realizing that the problem had not been resolved. It's not who's right and who's wrong, it's the inability to continue living together. What would be the story if it were still maintained in the midst of a seeming separation?
In 2007, Miki Kobayashi left the editorial board of the Mainichi Shimbun newspaper The Economist and began a career as a freelance journalist. She has set her sights on pregnant women who are discriminated against in the workplace, dismantled the social structure of not allowing "childbearing", and won the 2013 Japan "Poverty News Reporting Award" for her related works. This time, she turned her attention to specific families. Tracking for 10 years, Miki Kobayashi interviewed 15 Japanese women who concatenated the story of "Wives Who Hate But Don't Divorce". The book is regarded as a Japanese realistic version of "Kim Ji-young, born in 1982". And the couples in these stories have no cheating, no betrayal, and most of them don't even have a verbal quarrel, so why do the wives hate?
"Wives Who Hate But Don't Divorce", by Miki Kobayashi, translated by Afu, Haruhi | CITIC Publishing Group, March 2022.
The topics covered in the book are not new. This hatred was evident in Japanese families as early as the 1980s. In "Wives' Thinking autumn period", Saito Shigeo described this hatred as the accumulation of the "remainder" in the division, men have a lot of reasons to teach their wives, just like division can be eliminated, and women hope that the other party can give themselves even a little consideration, just like division always has a remainder, but the husband's blunt feeling makes this remainder empty, drop a sentence "This home is handed over to you", and then turn around and enter the workplace. Efficient husbands and silent wives together gave birth to Japan's prosperity in the late last century, but is a prosperous society a society suitable for life?
Today, nearly half a century later, in the face of a long-term low fertility rate and a pervasive low desire, Saito's judgment is still being repeatedly tested - neither husbands nor wives have been able to fully live themselves. To a certain extent, Miki Kobayashi is continuing this unfinished business, and wives with hatred may not divorce, but the family is really useless.
But at what moment did love turn into hate?
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
Written by | Shen Lu
Alone
"Is the child my own?"
"Go away!"
In the delivery room of a hospital in Tokyo, there was no cry from the baby. A figure escaped as if he had been amnesty, and fell against the door, gasping for breath.
Not long ago, Nanase Miyuki was screaming in pain, but her husband next to him was cowering in the corner of the delivery room, frightened and motionless. When the midwifery nurse beckoned him to help Miyuki rub her waist, her husband's compressions not only failed to relieve the pain but also upset Miyuki. Throughout the delivery, Miyuki did not feel the slightest support from her other half, she felt that the child was born "alone".
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
Thinking back to the later stages of pregnancy, when Miyuki's belly was obviously larger, her husband also cared for her for a while. The two went to the supermarket to buy things, the husband was not even willing to let Miyuki mention a shopping bag, and when he encountered an inconspicuous small step on the road, he immediately helped his wife, afraid that she would fall, and from time to time he lay on Miyuki's stomach and chatted with the unborn child. Childbirth is imminent, Miyuki hopes that her husband can accompany the delivery, looking forward to someone who can empathize, she does not want to believe that the tragedy of those "widowed parenting" will fall on her head, thinking that if he can understand the hardships of women, the child will take the initiative to help take care of it after birth.
What really chilled Miyuki was that the delivery room was just the beginning of her husband's "absence".
For Miyuki, life after giving birth to a child is almost a complete turnaround compared to before. Eat grilled fish to pick a thorn, too time-consuming so it has not been eaten for a long time; wash your hair in a hurry to squeeze a lump of shampoo, quickly rub it twice to rinse it, from time to time you can't help but glance at the children playing next to you with the afterglow, too much energy has not relaxed for a long time to wash your head; obviously like to drink freshly ground coffee, but the child is active, always worried that overturning will burn him, too dangerous so I haven't drunk it for a long time... In contrast, Miyuki's husband does not have these concerns. The habit of drinking tea is the same as always, and the after-work socializing is not rejected, even if the family sits around the table to eat, the child may grab the contents of the parents' bowl, but the husband still eats pasta with pepper, and eats udon noodles with paprika.
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
One day, at 7:30 a.m., it looks no different than every morning.
Come,. Ah—" Miyuki held out her spoon to her son, and with each bite she took, she hurriedly added a compliment, gentle and exaggerated. Beneath the calm surface, my mind was actually quickly planning for the next half hour. She had to pack up her three-year-old son and one-year-old daughter by eight o'clock, and escort the two "little ancestors" to the nursery, either late or, more accurately, she would be late for work.
Just thinking about it, in the blink of an eye, his son slipped into the back of the curtain and was smiling at her, just not changing clothes. The innocent son of the usual day is a little demon at this moment, but she can't get angry at him, and the time is tight and can't afford to delay or even escalate. After "waiting" for the little guy to change clothes, the sound of her daughter spilling milk came from the other side, and rushed over to find the ground full of mess. At this end, the son began to shout again: "The stink is coming out!" The anger level progress bar in Miyuki's heart had already sounded a red alarm.
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
So far, we don't seem to have seen the shadow of the man in this house. The sound of running water and pots colliding in the kitchen vaguely suggested that there was another person in the room. At the moment, the husband is making himself tea in the kitchen. Miyuki didn't know if her husband didn't realize her irritability or pretended not to hear, anyway, the result was the same, he hid in the kitchen and didn't come out.
"Hurry up and help me!" Miyuki shouted impatiently inside, and what floated in was her husband's leisurely reply: "Wait a minute..." At this moment, the string in Miyuki's brain broke, "Enough! Go and die! As soon as the words came out, she suddenly realized that she didn't love this person anymore.
Giant baby husband,
"Contribute to our family!"
In fact, Miyuki thought about it, and her husband is not always "absent". However, in those few "presence" moments, even Miyuki was not very clear about who he and his son were more like a child.
During the holidays, Miyuki's husband occasionally shouts on a whim, "Contribute to the family!" Then, play with the child vigorously for a while, "pretending" to do the housework twice. Although the word "contribution" sounds harsh, she also had the idea that she should create some opportunities for her husband to "contribute", after all, he said so.
Stills from the Japanese drama "The Most Perfect Divorce".
One weekend, Miyuki gave her child to her husband and wanted to change her mood. Before going out, she told her husband that the milk had been milked in advance in the refrigerator, and that it would be better to heat it up and feed it to the child. Less than an hour before she wanted to go out, the other party's "life-taking" phone call kept urging her to go home: "The child doesn't drink, he keeps crying." Miyuki suspected that her husband was feeding the wrong way, and before seeing how he fed the child, Miyuki couldn't imagine that her husband would put the bottle to the child's mouth without even saying "Come, open your mouth, ah--" without saying.
No one is born a good parenting master, and that's certainly understandable. Miyuki is also willing to give her husband a chance, and after many practices, her husband finally learns to feed his children. But since then, every time Miyuki wants to go out alone, her husband always puts on a pitiful look, "I can't take it alone", "You take the child with you", and it seems that she is about to cry. Since then, even when her husband is at home on weekends, Miyuki carries the baby on her back when she goes out.
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
Similar helplessness has been encountered more than once by Yuri Sumita in Tokyo.
At the time of her pregnancy, Yuri was 35 years old, teetering on the edge of a medically advanced maternal age. She was worried about her chromosomal abnormalities and didn't know if this would affect the health of her baby in her belly. And Yuri's husband has never talked to her about these things, and Yuri can't help but wonder, maybe her husband thinks that as long as he is pregnant, he will definitely be able to give birth to a healthy child.
Soon after the birth of the child, Yuri also returned to the workplace. Just a few days after work, Yuri's daughter suddenly had a fever, and thought it was just a common cold, but after a few days, it still didn't get better. After being transferred to another hospital for a series of tests, Yuri was told that the child had a heart attack and needed a heart transplant. Yuri couldn't take care of work, took a leave of absence, accompanied her daughter all day to do various examinations, and when she was idle, she threw herself into the overwhelming information about her condition on the Internet, exhausting the little energy she had left, as if this was the only way to find a little comfort. What about husbands? He entrusted it all to her and the doctor.
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
What makes Yuri even more exhausted is that after taking care of her daughter every day, she still has to go to the supermarket to buy vegetables, and then go home to cook for her husband. One night, she came out of the hospital late and called her husband: "I'm going to the supermarket now." She hoped that her husband would reply that she was not busy, or that "I'll eat out" or something like "I'll eat out," when a voice came over the phone: "Then you can do something simple." Even after the friend got angry and complained, the husband promised to do what he could, but most of it was just lip service.
One day, the husband mysteriously pulled Yuri to say an "important thing" to her, and his expression was so serious that even Yuri was a little nervous, "What is the important thing?" ”
"The shampoo ran out." The husband said.
Mommy Orbit trap,
"The boss told me not to always mention the child at the company!"
Almost all of the above stories are still confined to the family, but once the work of both husband and wife is involved, the kind of diffuse "hatred" will gather, expand, and in many moments be on the verge of exploding.
In the Japanese workplace, there is a saying of "mommy track". Employers claim that in order to better balance work and childcare for women, they will arrange a "career development route exclusive to Mommy". Women who take this route can still get job opportunities and can shorten their working hours to some extent, but at the cost of reduced income and blocked promotion routes, no longer reused by the company, and correspondingly transferred to the so-called "idle people" department. Maybe things will change when the child grows up. But in all these years of loss, besides the women who are in it, who will really care?
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
Anyway, Kato's husband didn't care so much.
After giving birth, Misako first returned to the workplace as a temporary worker. Six years later, she was spotted by an investment consulting firm and was finally able to start her own business again. Despite the unsatisfactory working environment at the new company, she thought it was at least an opportunity and gritted her teeth. After a period of precipitation, she successfully applied for a management position in a listed company in Kyushu, and experienced this job hopping, and her husband's annual income was almost the same. From home production to the difficulty of getting rid of the "Mommy track" and regaining control of his own life, this road has been a long 11 years.
It may be difficult for others to understand, but even the husband who accompanied her the whole time was indifferent to it, which was somewhat difficult for her to accept. For the 11 years that Misaki lost, the husband said indifferently: "In terms of results, isn't it very good?" The ending is good. A friend came to the house as a guest, and Misaki's husband teased in front of everyone: "She has always been a workaholic", noticing his wife's face that instantly cooled down, and added: "Earn more than me." At home, you can be mighty. ”
Stills from the Japanese drama "Kentaro Hiyama's Pregnancy".
Like Miso's choice, Satoko Kawama also hopes to return to work after taking maternity leave. In order to be able to take care of the family, she applied to be transferred to the company's "idle people" department, just so that she could leave work on time to pick up the children. Despite her reluctance, she reassured herself that "the child is still young." One night, Satoko and her husband chatted about a male employee of the company who was somehow transferred to this department, who knew that the husband's understated sentence "There is really his!" I really go to that kind of garbage department", a light and fluttering sentence, but it stabbed Satoko's heart. "Garbage Department"? For whom did he become the "garbage" in his mouth?
A few days after returning to the workplace, as soon as his son had a headache and brain fever, or something went wrong in the nursery, the teacher contacted Satoko directly. During that time, Satoko said more than once that she hoped to spend a few more days with the company to take care of the children, but her husband was reprimanded by his boss for taking a leave of absence, and he was resolutely unwilling to put down his face and ask for leave for this. He said: "The boss told me not to always pick up the children at the company. Satoko also knows that it is not good to mention children in the company, but she can't figure it out, why is it always she who gives in?
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
As her children grew older, Satoko's workload slowly increased, occasionally leaving work later than her husband. For a while, this state of affairs lasted for three full months. Although the husband was dissatisfied with this, he did not break out, he just gambled not to let his son see his mother. The son usually went to bed at 10 o'clock, but during that time Satoko's husband always caught the child early in bed. One day, Satoko hurried to get home at 10 minutes and 10 o'clock, and it was still dark to greet her after pushing open the door. Satoko turned on the light, and her hidden anger poured out into a complaint: "Why don't you let the child wait for me to come back?" Whoever thought the husband would roar back at once:
"I've been putting up with you for three months!"
"Three months?" Satoko was almost stunned, thinking that she had put up with the other party for seven years. "In the past seven years, I have been transferred to a department that can leave work early and support your work without complaint, have you ever thought about how I feel?"
End:
Continuation of the "one-half"
Whether it is Miyuki or Yuri, or Misaki or Satoko, they were all shocked by their husband's indifference at some point. Or the husband's hasty escape in the delivery room, or the inadvertent "garbage" during small talk, or the darkness that hit the door after work... Between the gap between expectation and reality, they hesitate, not knowing whether to choose divorce or to endure for the sake of their children, and repeatedly chew hatred in forbearance. Higuchi of Keio University believes that Japanese men do not know the hardships of raising children, always feel that "children grow up on their own unconsciously", they put almost all the responsibility of child-rearing on women, women are dissatisfied, and this has not changed at all from the past to the present.
In his book The Wives' AutumnAlthir, Saito chronicles the hated full-time housewives of the 1980s. Once, wives who were staying at home full-time and husbands who were corporate warriors were fighting their own battles. The husbands are alone in the company, returning home to the giant baby, the wives take everything at home but have nothing at work, and the two "half people" try to find the consummation through marriage. In the beginning, however, the expectations of both parties for marriage are different. Husbands want to be better able to work when they get married, while wives repeat the fullness of family life in their minds. Since then, the two seem to have "taken different elevators, one all the way up, the other all the way down, and so staggered."
"Wives' Thinking of Autumn", by Shigeo Saito, translated by Gao Lulu, movable type culture | Zhejiang People's Publishing House, January 2020.
Unfortunately, the "one-half" setting spanned nearly half a century, and its impact is still difficult to shake today. In Saito Shigeo's view, the most fundamental problem is that in Japan's social structure, the gender consciousness and division of roles of "male outside, female inside" are deeply rooted. From birth, children are indoctrinated with the idea of the difference between men and women, infiltrated into the perspective of the opposite sex in a given perspective. Under the "meritocracy" education system, men are encouraged to move towards the standard elite path, and those that have nothing to do with grades are temporarily shelved, and from the examination room to the workplace are pulled by specific goals, so that marriage is a tool to achieve goals, and even the efforts of wives after marriage are taken for granted.
These "efficiency-first" husbands worked diligently, and the division of labor between men and women worked efficiently, driving the rise of the Japanese economy since the 1960s as a whole. Along with the company's net worth, there is the emotions of neglected wives, who are not recognized in the repetitive work day after day. In the 1980s, the economy continued to soar, and Japan ranked first in the world in a number of indicators, and the completion of the transformation from heavy industry to new industries squeezed out the last breathing gap. Almost at the same time, land prices increased three times a year, and the gap between the rich and the poor in society continued to widen. Even if husbands want to ask their boss for parental leave, the reply is already: "If you think about it, can you afford the consequences of the vacation?" ”
Stills from the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp".
It is not difficult to see that Saito's pen is the story of a generation driven by the economic concept of "constantly catching up and constantly surpassing". The wives of the Autumn Period are bound by the family and sacrifice wordlessly for social development. In Chizuru Ueno's review article around the book, "Chizuko Ueno: When "Ordinary Women" Become "Events" (translated by Douban user @AOI, the article links see references at the end of the article), she sharply sees that these wives actually have similar seriousness and straightness to the husbands who destroy private interests, so serious that once they lose their goals, they will develop self-destructive tendencies - addicting to alcohol and anesthetizing themselves, or fleeing the family even if they have nothing. But she also pointed out that this generation is more like a product of the changing era, and that Japan has not developed in the direction of mass production of women in the autumn period. The divorce rate has not increased significantly, but marriage and family have begun to move towards internal friction and become ineffective, and a new generation of women is no longer so "serious".
At the end of the book, Miki Kobayashi mentions a ridiculous phenomenon, and there is now a boom in house renovation among middle-aged Japanese couples. It is not that after the funds are abundant, they want to improve the living environment, but in the name of reconstruction, they divide the houses. If there are two rooms vacated in the family after the child reaches adulthood, the wife will suggest that one room be changed to a "study" for the husband, and the other room will be arranged as her own bedroom. Take the opportunity of kitchen renovation to add a wall between the kitchen and the dining room so that the wife does not have to see her husband sitting in the house when cooking. Adding a sunken warm table in the guest room is also more convenient to drive the husband with the computer out of the living room... All of this is to pave the way for "not seeing the heart and not being bothered".
Of course, there are more cost-effective ways. Akiko Sato, a teacher in her forties, once said, "If there is an afterlife, she will never marry her current husband." But she wouldn't choose divorce, at least not for now, and her sense of morality as a teacher wouldn't allow her to have extramarital affairs. However, Akiko is obsessed with Korean dramas, sometimes late at night can not extricate herself, her husband will always complain twice after seeing it, "watching Korean dramas again", and once even mocked Akiko "I didn't expect that there was a 'Hahan aunt' at home".
"Isn't that nice?" A derailment that doesn't have to be spent on a penny. Akiko responded to him without evasion.
Stills from the Japanese drama "The Most Perfect Divorce".
Resources:
[1] "Wives Who Hate But Don't Divorce", by Miki Kobayashi, translated by Af, Harumi | CITIC Publishing Group, March 2022.
[2] "The Wives' Thinking of Autumn", by Shigeo Saito, translated by Gao Lulu, movable type culture | Zhejiang People's Publishing House, January 2020.
[3] "The Society That Does Not Allow Procreation", by Miki Kobayashi, translated by Wenwen Liao, Shanghai Translation Publishing House, August 2020.
[4] "Chizuru Ueno: When "Ordinary Women" Become "Events"," translated @AOI Douban user.
https://book.douban.com/review/12574053/