Author:An Jing (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
Evolutionary Mom: The best love we give our children is not material, nor education, but to control our emotions and not hurt the person who is full of our own eyes.
Recently brushed up on a heart-wrenching video.
On the highway, the child cried out "Daddy" while clutching his thighs.
But the father ignored the child's cries and threw him on the cement floor.
The child fell heavily to the ground, and his pain could be felt across the screen.
It turned out that the man was driving a family on the highway, and was stopped by the traffic police because of overloading, asking the overloaded person to change to another vehicle.
After some argument, the man got angry and threw his 3-year-old son on the ground, saying that he didn't want children!
Although this man's behavior is more extreme, it is a true portrayal of many families:
How many parents have transferred their bad temper to their children and used their children as a pump.
As everyone knows, although he is relieved of his momentary anger, he has pushed the child into the abyss.
Anger is a manifestation of parents' incompetence towards themselves
Two days ago, I heard the neighbors arguing over trivial matters.
At the end of the argument, the man slammed the door and came out.
The in-laws of the family could not sit still, and began to accuse the daughter-in-law of not understanding things, not going to work, not looking good at home, and always quarreling with her husband.
The neighbor had a fire in his stomach and had nowhere to vent.
At this moment, the cry of my brother came from the room.
The sister is writing homework, the younger brother wants the sister to play with him, the sister refuses, and the younger brother tears up the sister's homework book.
The sister was furious and slapped her brother twice.
The neighbor rushed in and looked at his brother who was sitting on the ground and crying, and slapped his sister twice.
My sister was beaten, felt aggrieved, and cried wow.
The in-laws followed up and continued to accuse the daughter-in-law: "You yourself are in a bad mood, what angry with the child!" ”
Suddenly, the whole room was surrounded by the accusations of the in-laws and the cries of the two children.
The neighbor collapsed and regretted that he should not have slapped his daughter twice without asking.
This behavior of neighbors is actually the famous "kicking cat effect" in psychology:
It means that people's bad emotions will be transmitted along the chain of social relations of the strong and weak hierarchy, from the top of the pyramid of the chain to the bottom of the tower, and the weakest person will be the ultimate bearer, innocently bearing negative emotions.
In society, this bearer is usually the incompetent poor;
In the family, this role becomes a weak child.
I saw a news on the hot search the other day.
A man in Anhui Province, who was arguing with his wife and was emotional, rushed out of the room and slapped the baby who was eating twice.
The wife who was feeding the child was startled and quickly protected the child.
The man pushed his wife away, covered the child's small face, and pinched the child's neck...
In the face of a baby sitting in a stroller and still only babbling, how can he get his hands on it?
In life, because adults can't control their emotions, the news of sprinkling gas on children, I have seen too much...
A man in Hangzhou, because of the divorce with his wife, was in a bad mood and angered the 10-year-old child, and actually took a knife and slashed his son dozens of times, resulting in the child's head trauma, nine finger tendons broken, and phalangeal fractures;
A mother because her husband has been working outside for many years, she is alone with her baby, vents all her anger on her 3-year-old daughter, and slaps her daughter 9 times in 45 seconds;
It was raining heavily in Maoming, Guangdong Province, and after a couple quarreled, the husband left his wife and a pair of twin children and left on his own.
The wife drove the child to the halfway point, and deliberately put the child next to the ditch, and also took a video to show to the father...
Ask yourself, are these cruel parents really because their children have made unforgivable mistakes?
Not really.
Teacher Fan Deng once said: "Ninety percent of the parents scolding their children is anger, that is, their own frustration, their own sense of incompetence, their own powerlessness, and their anger on the child opposite." ”
Everyone has problems to face, and transferring the problem to the child will not only not solve the problem, but also cause more trouble.
Long-term anger will not only expose the parents' own incompetence, but also may have a profound impact on the child's life.
Anger is an invisible weapon that destroys children
A netizen on the Internet told about his childhood experience.
His mom was a "duplicitous" person who behaved generously and decently on the outside, with a very polite and honest image.
As soon as he returned home, he vented all the unwillingness and grievances he had suffered outside on him.
Once, he was playing with blocks at home, saw his mother return, and was very happy to say hello to her mother.
However, instead of responding, his mother angrily began to lecture him:
"Just know what's the use of playing, giving birth to you!"
Mom roared and waved her hand, pushed down all the blocks he had been fighting for all afternoon, and threw them everywhere, saying while throwing:
"Let you fight, let you fight, today I will all smash you!"
Until now, he didn't know why his mother had done that to him that day.
As he grew older, he was often scolded at home for no reason.
After understanding things, he understood that every time he was scolded, it was because his mother was wronged outside.
Slowly, he was terrified of the sound of the key opening the door, because he didn't know if his mother would come home today with a drizzle or a storm.
This fear persists until adulthood leaves home and cannot be erased.
Poisoned Parents says:
"The damage caused by the blow from the parents is not only the present, it runs through the years and is like a needle deep in the hearts of the children."
Most of the troubles in adulthood stem from the psychological trauma suffered in childhood, and the pain of childhood will really accompany children throughout their lives.
Actor Chen Qiaoen, when he was a child, his family was poor, and his mother often lost his temper, as long as he was slightly unsatisfactory, he used the child as a punching bag.
Since she was a child, she has lived in the fear of being beaten by her mother, and in the attic, when she hears her mother's footsteps, she feels that it is the voice of the devil.
The fear of her mother dominated until she became an adult, recalling the past, and Jon in front of the camera was still nervous and in a state of stress.
Her relationship with her mother has not been repaired until now.
In the reality show "Whirlwind Filial Piety", Chen Qiao'en is always embarrassed when he gets along with his mother.
The mother complained on the show: "She never said she was going to hold my hand. ”
It can be seen how deeply his anger has hurt his children.
Not only is there no interaction when we coexist, but the body movements are also very stiff when taking pictures in the same frame, and even if the companions are amused, they cannot resolve the embarrassment between mother and daughter.
Injuries suffered in childhood can disrupt a child's sense of security, satisfaction, and self-worth, leading to a deviant response throughout life.
Many people do not know how much time it will take to heal the pain of childhood in this life.
With those wounds that are difficult to heal, they struggle on the road to growth.
Don't think of your child as an emotional trash can
"Child, please give me your hand" wrote: "We must not only have a heart to love children, but also know how to love children." ”
To love a child is not to let him become an innocent emotional garbage can;
To love a child is not to let him bear the hurt he suffers outside.
1. Before going home, adjust yourself and shut out your bad emotions
Find an outlet for the bad emotions, let it vent, and don't bring the bad emotions home.
In the documentary "Chinese Teenager Stories", a couple tells their son's "bottle theory".
The mother came back from outside, saw that her son had not finished his homework, and wanted to lose his temper.
Dad is chatting with his son and is trying to lose his temper with him.
The son looked at his parents and wanted to teach himself a lesson at the same time, saying to them:
"You make this fire, think about it before you go home, everyone has a bottle on them, and if the bottle is full of water, it will overflow.
Your daily work fills the bottle, and when you come home and see that I am not in the slightest bit, the bottle will overflow and the emotions will be vented on me.
Can you pour this bottle before you go home, or you can bring two bottles and one bottle outside, and that bottle doesn't affect your way home. ”
2. Calm yourself down and vent your anger reasonably
Jefferson, the third president of the United States, said: "Count to 10, then speak, and if you are angry, count to 100." ”
Everyone gets angry, and when we want to lose our temper, we might as well silently count a few counts in our minds to calm ourselves down.
A secretary of war complained to Lincoln about being insulted by the major general. Lincoln suggested that the minister write a letter to scold himself for all his grievances.
When the minister wrote the letter and prepared to send it out, he found that he was no longer so angry.
Lincoln said, "I do the same when I'm angry, and I write letters to relieve my anger." If you are not happy, then write again, write until you are comfortable! ”
There are many ways to vent your anger, reading, writing, exercising...
Angering children is the most stupid one.
3. Timely reflection and timely apology
After losing your temper with your child, reflect on yourself in time, whether the child is doing something wrong or is taking the child out of anger.
Once you find that it is your own emotions that anger the child, apologize in time.
Rather than getting angry with a child, whimsy hurts the child more.
We have to tell our children, "Baby, I'm sorry!
Mom and Dad lost their temper not because of you, but because they were wronged outside.
Mom and Dad apologize to you and we love you forever. ”
An apology, a hug, is enough to remove the mustard in the child's heart.
I once read a small poem "Pick a Mother":
"What was I doing before I was born, you ask?
I replied, I pick my mother in heaven;
Seeing you, I think you are particularly good;
Want to be your child, and feel that you may not have that luck;
Unexpectedly, the next morning, I was already in your stomach. ”
The child has been carefully selected to be his parents, and this desperate encounter is not to bear the bad temper of the parents, but to start his own life.
The best love we give our children is not material, nor educational, but not to hurt the person whose eyes are full of themselves.
Author's Profile: An Jing, Columnist of Fushu, Article: Parents Evolution, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement must be investigated, Fushu 2018 launched a new book "Good Life"