Have you ever wondered when a long fight started?
In fact, a long quarrel began with the first quarrel in the relationship, and from this quarrel, we began to quarrel intermittently.
It's like why we always like to "turn over old accounts". It is because from the first quarrel, the problem has not been solved. And this contradiction has always existed, but it is hidden.
And when one day in the future because of something, the problem is revived, so when the result is not what we want, the quarrel continues.
There is a term in psychology called the Zeignick memory effect. It is a memory effect that says that people are more impressed with what has not yet been processed than what has already been processed.
Therefore, the problems that can make us turn over old accounts and quarrel are things that have not yet been dealt with. It boils down to the fact that men and women solve problems when they encounter emotional problems in different ways.
Men encounter problems in their relationships more often by avoiding and suppressing them. And women encounter problems in their relationships more in the way of talking and communicating.
It's as if there's a passage on the Internet where your girlfriend asks you "what's wrong?" The answer given by others is "it's all my fault." But many people don't really know what's wrong with them.
It was only because he felt that he could solve such a problem by avoidance, so he chose to admit that it was all his fault. Because he thinks it's over.
But for the other party, it is not really dealt with. To explain it in terms of the Zeignick memory effect, it is in the eyes of men that this matter is something that has been completed, but for women this matter is an unfinished business.
So the thing was always in her mind, and she would remember it firmly. That's why we always "turn over old accounts". Of course, it should be known that both men and women are the same, and they will "turn over old accounts".
And that's why we have long quarrels. In fact, the problems encountered before have not been solved. It's as if someone once said:
"There's a thing called you're over, but I can't get over it."
It's like I once saw a story about a couple arguing, and the couple will always quarrel every once in a while, and the quarrel is turned upside down, and each time it is worse than the last.
And their quarrels are like turning over old accounts, from shoes not in the right place, no one to take care of them when they are sick, to small things that happen when they are in love, and there are many things in the past anyway. And the more you turn over the old accounts, the more serious the quarrel will be. In the end, both sides were not happy.
Indeed, this kind of thing of revealing scars to each other is of no benefit to both people, because in the process of quarrelling, there is no so-called winner.
Because recalling the past events is to reawaken our previous bad emotions or things that we encountered, and then deepen the memory of this matter again.
I remember watching an experiment online. It's about having two groups of people record what they've been angry about in the last week, and then asking them to categorize which group is low and negative and which group is hilarious and joyful. Finally, let them recall what they recorded.
In the end, they came to the conclusion that when we are in a good mood, the thing that can make us very angry can also become a "small thing". But when we are in a bad mood, even small things will be magnified by us.
Therefore, a long quarrel is actually the negative emotions that we accumulate at the beginning of the problem without solving, and it may not be when we are in a good mood. It was only when he was provoked by something that the quarrel appeared.
Therefore, the most correct way to face these things is to solve problems when encountering problems, rather than trying to avoid problems in an avoidant way. It should be known that this approach only temporarily shelves the problem and does not actually solve the problem.
You know, the step to solve the problem should be to know where the problem is, not to let the misunderstanding persist. You say yes or no? So do you remember when you started arguing?
Wen | Ming floating life
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