"Poetry City Family Dialect" boutique class 丨 Talk about generational upbringing

The eighth lesson of the "Poetry City Family Dialect" Family Education Boutique Class

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How to correctly understand intergenerational upbringing?

How to optimize intergenerational parenting?

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Member of the Municipal Women's Federation Poetry City Family Dialect Lecturer Group

Ma'anshan No. 7 Middle School

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Told for you

"Talk about intergenerational parenting"

Let's talk about generational parenting

- Bai Hui

Dear parents and friends are good now, according to statistics: there are many parents after 90 and 80, with fewer children, these young people fight in the city, every day is busy working. Who will bring the child? It was handed over to grandparents and grandparents. This is what we often call intergeneration, which liberates young people's time, but there are also some drawbacks. If you are also immersed, walk with me into today's parent class and talk about intergenerational parenting.

How to correctly understand intergenerational upbringing

Q: When you think of intergenerational parenting, what comes to mind first?

Looking at the gap generation parenting eye chart, some parents feel that the generation gap parenting has different degrees of negative impact on their children's academic performance, social interaction, and behavior and attitude. Some parents feel that intergenerational parenting has intensified family conflicts and created a parent-child gap. Well, there are also parents who affirm the generational upbringing, believing that the participation of the elderly in taking children is of great help to the cultivation of children's sound personality qualities and enhance children's sense of value, sense of meaning and happiness.

Let's listen to what domestic experts and scholars have to say:

(1) Three major advantages of generational education:

1) Ancestors have patience and are more tolerant;

2) Ancestors have unique wisdom and talents;

3) Grandparents have rich experience in raising children.

At the same time, the elderly give their children financial support and housework support, which not only reduce the burden on young people, but also have a certain degree of positive effect on the mental health of the elderly.

(2) The three major disadvantages of intergenerational parenting:

1) Intergenerational upbringing will increase the economic burden of the grandparents and have a negative impact on the physical and mental state of the grandparents.

2) Generational parenting has different degrees of negative effects on children's and adolescents' academic performance, social interaction and physical and mental development.

3) Intergenerational parenting can easily lead to "parent-child estrangement" and affect "parent-child relationship".

How to understand this, the normal family order relationship is:

Grandparents, mom and dad, kids. If parents do not bring children for a long time, children live with the elderly, or if the elderly participate in the education of grandchildren are more dominant, the balanced family order is destroyed. The child jumped directly to the high position and was in the same position as his parents. For example, if a child is playing a game at home, mom and dad stop it when they get home, and the child says that my grandfather agreed to let me play. When young parents look back and want to discipline these children, you will find that the advantage of intergenerational education is to liberate young people's time, and the disadvantage of intergenerational education is to lose the status of parents in the hearts of children. Grandparents and grandparents have become parents on the psychological level of children.

(3) Try to raise children yourself

Who is the best person to raise children?---- parents

Who is responsible for raising children?---- is the parent

Removing some irreversible objective factors, parents as the first responsible person, raising children, should try to do their own work, more with their children. The process of taking care of children is the process of establishing an intimate relationship with children, children will bring us many challenges, but also constantly guide us to improve and grow ourselves. The quality of children is closely related to the education and love of parents, parent-child education is more conducive to children's intellectual development, parent-child education is also more conducive to children's emotional development. So we say that intergenerational parenting cannot replace parenting.

Of course, intergenerational parenting is caused by many reasons, including the fact that the parents of the children's parents leave the family to work, and do not have the financial ability to undertake the child's upbringing, etc., which make the grandparents assume the responsibility of caring for the child in voluntary or involuntary situations.

How to optimize intergenerational parenting

(1) Always be grateful to the elders

When grandparents are taking children for us and silently paying for our small family, we really have to have a grateful heart at all times, grateful for the selflessness, love, bravery and tenacity of our parents.

The elderly are not obliged to help take care of the children, but they do, so we must convert this grateful heart into a certain amount of financial compensation, some warm words, some intimate actions, etc., and can often express gratitude to the elderly in this way. See the parents' efforts.

(b) Understand the limitations of parents

When talking about the disadvantages of intergeneration parenting before, when it comes to the disadvantages of intergeneration parenting, it may appear more in the following two types of families, one is the family where parents do not take children, children and the elderly for a long time. One is the family where the elderly and their children are not on the same front when educating their grandchildren, and the elderly are more aggressive. For such a family, I also want to persuade parents and friends why our parents have become what they are today, their original family, we do not understand, we have not experienced their life experience, so there is only respect. To understand the ancestors.

Understand the worries of ancestors, who will feel overwhelmed by the lack of education and resources. Grandchildren grow up, classmates and school influences surpass the family, grandparents may have less communication with their children, weak connections, no supervision to create a sense of helplessness, and so on.

We have no right to judge grandparents, and when we understand these pains and helplessness of grandparents, we should let go of trying to change their minds and change ourselves first, and the way of expression is very important. Let's take a look at four common mistexts.

(3) Change the way of communication

1. Four common mistypes of expression

A fragmented type

I–hmmm-hmm-hey, this, kid... I'm sorry — do you feel okay? You know;

Promise me you can't get angry;

No, you're doing okay, just – maybe you need to do better? It's a little bit better, isn't it?

b Domineering type

How can you be so accustomed to children? What good children can be educated in this way?

c Is a good teacher

Mom, the elderly with children are easy to emphasize the material and light emotions, which will lead to a series of problems such as poor social skills and emotional management skills of children, and you cannot buy good food for your children without moving.

d Pro-Escape Type

Mom, I want to tell you something... That, mm-hmm, the water was boiling.

Listen to these expressions that we use every day when we disagree with the elderly about the education of our children, and pay attention to your feelings and thoughts when you hear the words. What is called positive and effective communication, it must be when the other party has positive emotions and is willing to adopt opinions.

The following is to teach parents three tricks, actively communicate the trilogy, learn well, everyone can become a language artist.

2. Actively communicate the trilogy

A guesses the thoughts, emotions and expectations behind the old man's words and deeds: "To do this you mean....you mean to say...."

B offered his own opinion: "At the same time I have an idea, do you want to hear it?"

C then returned the right to speak to the ancestors: "What do you think?"

Scenario exercises

Scenario 1: The child has a good score on the test, and the grandfather says: "Good grandson, this exam has improved a lot, oh, what are you going to buy this time?" Grandpa bought it for you..."

This case is what we call the ancestors' doting on the child, the grandparents' excessive pity for the child, if the parents are excited, blurt out, how can you be like this, the little guy is spoiled by you like this. The old man said in reverse, I will buy a food for the child what is wrong, every day to buy you a roast wash, you also pick the bones in the eggs is it. It is easy for you to quarrel with me and destroy the harmony of the family. In fact, we as parents just want to advise, cherish our children, and use encouragement rather than material rewards: compassion should be based on emotional and behavioral companionship, not always material satisfaction and compensation. But there is a problem with your expression method, not only does it not solve the problem, but it also makes the old man unhappy.

So what if you use a trilogy of positive communication? We can say something like this:

Dad, I know you mean that the child has improved, you are very happy, want to meet the child more, give him more love, thank you very much for your efforts. At the same time, I also have an idea, can I tell you to hear it? If a child is accustomed to prizes, he will think that "the person who gives things is the one who is good to me" and may develop the attitude of "if I want a prize, I will do it..." We can verbally encourage him: How awesome are you! I knew that you could do a good job if you wanted to, and Grandpa was really proud of you. Dad, you see this situation in the future, is it okay to say so?

You see, if you lower your posture like this, first affirm the kindness of the old man, and then gently express your own views, most of the ancestors can accept it.

Scenario 2: Grandson, you look at you, the shoelaces are open, I don't know, what to do if you fall! Come, Grandma help you tie...

Seeing this scene, the parents have to say again, you are not right, there are too many laborers! Ancestors will say that children are small and need to be taken care of! How could I smell gunpowder again?

Mom, I know what you mean, the child is so young, how can you take care of yourself so well? If I do a little more, the child will do less and be more comfortable. Thank you very much for your efforts, at the same time, I also have some ideas of my own, to tell you okay? If you don't let him try it himself, his growth will only be the age of the age, we can give him a demonstration, teach him to tie his shoelaces, he will remember when he grows up, I tie my shoelaces is taught by my grandmother, Mom, do you think this is OK?

You see, you follow the formula of the active communication trilogy, and the grandparents can understand that you are not blaming him, but that they want them to discipline their children to adjust with the age of the children, and the care for the older children needs to change from physical care to psychological care.

Scenario 3: The child plays with the bottle at home, the parents agree, the grandfather does not agree, how to communicate?

What about the Trilogy of Positive Communication?

Dad, I know what you mean, the child is so small, you are afraid that the child will play with the danger of the bottle, and after breaking it, he will hurt himself. You are very sad for the child, you are really a very careful grandfather. At the same time, we also have some ideas of our own, can we tell you about it? The child's play with the bottle is a kind of exploration of the world, you can tell him to be careful to play, it doesn't matter if it is broken, it is the process of learning, to try, to explore. Dad, do you think that works?

Three generations live together, the upper two generations on education issues to communicate, to the previous generation to communicate, even if the ancestors do not change, but also to express gently and firmly. At the same time, communicate with the next generation, let the child communicate with the grandfather, so that the grandfather can rest assured. The younger generation should be grateful to the upper generation first, learn to accept, and then actively communicate.

Homework, invite your partner or friend after class

(1) In pairs, A uses a trilogy of active communication to express suggestions and ideas, and B plays grandparents to listen to suggestions and feedback on how they feel after hearing those words.

(2) After a round of expression, the roles are reversed.

(3) Based on the feedback of both parties, they will revise their respective suggestions and formulate action plans for implementation.

3. Other communication skills (according to time selectivity)

(1) Find the right combination of private chat problems

Dad communicates with Grandpa and Grandma; Mom communicates with Grandpa and Grandma

At the beginning of communication, young parents try to express their feelings and care for the elderly as much as possible, and then slowly enter the main topic. On the contrary, if there is a husband (wife) and a child present, it is advisable to say something about the old man's credit.

(2) Grasp the opportunity

If the other party is in a happy mood at this time, or happens to encounter a child with this problem, your suggestions and opinions are easy to be accepted by the elderly;

If the atmosphere and occasion are not right, your persuasion is easy to encounter "counterattack", and in the end, the problem is not solved, and it will lead to unhappiness and dispersion.

(3) White lies

Discounts, specials, units, friends...

Ask relatives and friends to help, ask your child's teacher to help, and ask experts to help

(4) Talk to your heart often

My mother-in-law is a very talkative person, and when I came home from work, she often told me that the parents were short, the media news, and the family trivia of the neighborhood neighbors.

I'm not really interested in these things, but I listen and respond carefully, so that our mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship becomes more and more harmonious. Although the surface has nothing to do with parenting, the relationship between the two is good, and many problems are easy to explain.

What to say and how to say it doesn't really matter. The key is that the relationship is good, you can say whatever you want.

(4) Three suggestions for interacting with your child when parting

1. When separated from the child, the parent's attitude: not judging, respecting.

2) When separated from the child, parents can do: allow, accept, hug and kiss, express love and thoughts.

3. Remote communication strategy: weekly calls, fixed time, listening.

Finally, four sentences of oil poems

End today's lesson

The road to parenting is difficult, and the boundaries of responsibility need to be clearly defined.

Grateful parents from generation to generation, together to brighten the future star.

Best wishes to all parents and friends

Good health and happiness for the whole family!