Author: Xiao Tian This article was first published in the Fruit Shell Children's Academy (guokr_kid) and reprinted with permission
As a child growing up during the pandemic, nearly a third of the courses spent online in the past three years. At present, the national epidemic situation is still grim, and the opening of the school in my city is still far away, whether it will affect the baby's learning in the second half of the year, no one can say for sure.
We parents are in the midst of a turbulent variety of policies and trends: the epidemic, double reduction, opening up of the second child, inhibition of school district housing, encouragement of three children... Various reforms were caught off guard, and many plans could not keep up with the changes. Turning his head and seeing the lament on the Internet: "Alas, I spent ten million to buy a school district house, and as a result, I took three years of online classes!" After the following various comments, the same is a deep helplessness.
Image source Weibo
In fact, under the background of "post-epidemic + double reduction policy + three-child opening-up", everyone's attitude towards parenting has shown polarization. Some parents have become more anxious, begun to increase the intensity of their chicken babies, full of obsession with Jackie Chan; some parents have begun to decide to "take it" - since "no matter how hard you try, the child is likely to be an ordinary ordinary person when he grows up, it is better to let him enjoy a happy and loving childhood."
In the middle of the crowd at both ends, there is a silent and confused majority: continue the chicken baby, the conditions are not allowed, the child is not happy; the chicken baby is worried that the child will lose in the future.
I have also been pulled by two ideas, repeatedly jumping between "chicken" and "no chicken", which makes me anxious. Later, I simply wrote down these questions and distilled them into several "key" core questions:
1. How to define the ordinary or wonderful life?
2. How can children live out the meaning of life?
3. In order to achieve the second point, how do I plan and look forward to my child's future from now on?
After years of thinking and hands-on practice, the answers to these questions have recently become clearer.
Many times,
We underestimate our children's future "success."
When it comes to expectations for their children's future, many parents will mention keywords such as "growing up, having a good future, and having a splendid future". In the final analysis, it is to hope that children can have a "successful" life.
So how exactly do we define "success"?
In fact, most of the "success" in the eyes of adults is "name" and "profit" in the secular sense:
For example, excelling in the workplace and getting enough wealth and honors; or retreating to a stable and decent job, without having to worry about making a living... All of this is closely related to money, status and social recognition.
Therefore, we will spare no effort to stand in our own perspective and plan a life path map for our children that looks ideal:
Study hard and get into a good university with good grades Find a good job in the eyes of the world to become a so-called "successful person" to harvest a bright life.
Figure @geralt | pixabay
This kind of planning theoretically seems to be able to give children more security for their future, so that they can live a more faceful and dignified life, and get more resources and choices.
However, there are many problems in the implementation process:
First of all, this one-way path makes the goal of children's life narrow and closed -
The realization of each step must first be completed by the previous step: you must first be admitted to a key university before you can enter the system or engage in a profession recognized by the world, and your life can be considered complete.
And each step of life goal is set too single, and it involves the whole body, and the probability of disappointment is higher. Because the number of places in elite schools and "good jobs" is really limited, the competition is destined to be fierce, and many times it is not proportional to the degree of individual effort. Therefore, when there is a gap between the cruel reality and the only ideal, the child is easily frustrated and thus negates himself.
Second, society is developing much faster than most adults know about the future, in other words, our "predictions" are very inaccurate.
For example, the "good job" you want your child to do, with the rise of artificial intelligence, traditional intensive labor jobs are gradually being eliminated, replaced by emerging occupations that focus on technology types. Dell's famous "Next Era of Human-Machine Partnership" technology report states: "An estimated 85% of jobs in 2030 have not yet been invented." ”[1]
Today's "good jobs" in the traditional sense are likely to cease to exist in a few decades, and there are many new jobs that we cannot imagine at this stage, which will appear in the future. And if we still define our children's success with a limited eye, we may lose the possibility of losing the possibility of obtaining "new careers" that are more in line with future trends.
Figure @TayebMEZAHDIA | pixabay
The child's true success,
It is to find a unique value based on the world
At the Spring Festival dinner this year, a scene happened around me that made me very unhappy:
My husband's niece has been interested in journalism since she was a child and has always wanted to enroll in the Media University and become a journalist in the future. But her niece's mother was adamantly opposed. In her opinion, girls have learned this kind of profession, and all kinds of travel interviews in the future are not only hard, but also the professional environment is complex, the risk is high, and the pressure is too great. Therefore, on the eve of the college entrance examination last year, she forced her daughter to revise her volunteers and filled in her own carefully selected and satisfactory major - Chinese medicine.
The niece of the third year of high school finally chose to give in, but at the Spring Festival dinner, she quarreled again in front of the whole family.
When the mother shouted, "Why are you so ignorant!" When the doctor is more stable, and the older the more popular it is. I'm all here for your future good! ”
But my niece cried: "I don't like this at all, why do you have to force me to learn!" ”
Figure @mohamed_hassan | pixabay
Looking at this scene, I feel very sad. Children don't like it at all but insist on learning, can there be driving mechanics?
Even after graduating from college, she still needs to continue to engage in this profession for decades according to the route planned by her mother, and can she overcome the various problems encountered in this job and achieve the professional achievements that her mother says are "becoming more and more popular"?
If our children, who are well fed and clothed, consume the most advanced goods, but lose the right to make the most important choices in life, how can they taste value and happiness from work and life?
Harvard University professor Taylor Ben Shahar, in the book "The Method of Happiness", once mentioned the concept of "the goal of self-harmony" -
When something is something that we have the firmest awareness from within, or when we actively choose to do it because we are genuinely interested, rather than out of a sense of responsibility or because others feel that you should do it, it has a deeper meaning and can bring us true happiness and joy. [2]
The "good education" recognized by educators precisely requires parents to abandon the obsession with "pursuing worldly success" and return the independent choice of life to their children, so that they can follow their hearts and become the people they want to be.
More importantly, in this process, we must help children learn to adapt to the uncertainties of the future and find their most comfortable way to live in this complex era.
All in all, it is to let children tap out the unique value of their foothold in this world and get more satisfaction and discourse power in life. And this is the real and sustainable success in life.
Wanting to connect children with the world,
These prerequisites are inseparable
So, what kind of children can realize their self-worth and find their unique positioning in the world? To achieve this goal, you need to have the following prerequisites:
01
Find your true love and not waste your life
With love, you can do something with your heart, so as to complete it efficiently and create more value. And a child who has found where he really loves is more likely to be at the peak of his feelings and performance, that is, we often say that he has "flow experience".
The book "Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience" points out that people's common behavior patterns are divided according to the two dimensions of "skills and challenges", which can be divided into eight types as shown in the following figure. When skills and challenges are in the right area of ideals, a person reaches a state of "flow".
This is the best experience for individuals to engage in an activity, where they reach the state of self-forgetfulness, fully invested in mental energy, and efficiently output energy in the same direction, accompanied by a high degree of pleasure and fulfillment. At this time, the potential of the brain will be more fully utilized, and the efficiency will be greatly improved.
A McKinsey study found that when a person's flow status increases from 5% to 20% during working hours, the overall work productivity doubles. [3]
It can be said that only by finding the place of love and what they are really interested in, children have the continuous motivation to deepen their research and eventually be more likely to achieve achievements.
Figure @Victoria_Borodinova | pixabay
02
Have independent thinking and thinking ability, and will not make choices in order to "go with the flow"
A child who has the ability to think critically and maintains independent thinking has a clear mind and a firm heart. They have their own pursuit of the world and will not easily change their positions.
This is inseparable from a strong knowledge reserve and the spirit of daring to study and explore as the bottom.
Only in this way can a person jump out of the current information circle and continuously improve the level of information mastery, so as to combine multiple information to form their own cognition and judgment, rather than blindly superstitiously believe in the ready-made answers around them, therefore, they will not make choices in order to follow the current, nor will they regret their "wrong choice" afterwards, because their choices are their own choices that have been considered and are willing to bear the consequences.
03
Have a strong heart, even if you take a path that few people take, you are still brave and firm
The further you go into the future, success often means blazing another trail and going off the beaten path. Because we are already in the Red Sea of competition, any ordinary road is already crowded.
In this case, various pressures from the outside world are inevitable. Children must have a "big heart" in the future to withstand all kinds of pressure. It is also possible to explore vertical areas that you are interested in but not so well understood by others.
Figure @athree23 | pixabay
Help children find their own unique value,
What should we do?
In my opinion, a general principle is to be a "guide-type" parent, check for the child in the general direction, provide timely support in the details, and at the same time get rid of the "entrustment mentality" in parenting, and first become an independent, confident and wonderful self.
When we no longer revolve around the child all the time, but establish a good connection with the world, the child will naturally be positively affected by this positive change. I have the following points to share with you:
Help children find their own inner "spark"
In Raising Girls, a "spark" theory is mentioned: "Almost all children and adolescents have some kind of potential—interest, enthusiasm, talent, or attention." And all of this, if supported, can bring them great joy, provide them with motivation and direction. ”[4]
Whether it is a specialty or talent such as painting, sports, and music; or a particularly outstanding ability or excellent quality, being able to perform a certain task, these are the "sparks" in children's lives. If these sparks can be grasped well, they will eventually become a huge energy to promote children's progress.
But unfortunately, three-quarters of the children eventually missed this opportunity due to the neglect of adults.
Therefore, as parents, we need to help children find and ignite their "spark". Possible recommendations include:
At least one parent in the family must be supportive of the child;
The school or community can find at least one adult who is willing to understand and help the child;
Constantly encourage and support and provide every opportunity to make the child's "spark" burn.
Children will take root in their hearts to obtain their own value, and at the same time find the direction of life.
Good at helping children find their goals in life by asking questions
Professor William Damon, a professor at stanford University's School of Education and director of the Center for Youth Studies, has pointed out that parents can use the "ask questions" method to guide their children to think and help them find their goals in life. For example, here are three important questions[5]:
What am I interested in? What do I enjoy the most? What will make me spark the spot in life? Music, literature, mathematics, sports?
What am I best at? Where are my talents? Young people need to know enough about their natural talents, and if they are born deaf and dumb, they may not be suitable for being musicians.
What does the world need? What problems and opportunities in the world can develop into places where I help others
Through a dialogue between parents and children, children will gradually develop their own sense of purpose. And once a child has an idea, parents should do their best to help them continue to develop.
It is worth mentioning that every choice of a child deserves respect, and adults should not target scores or grades to measure whether their answers are hot/unpopular or good/bad.
Leave room for freedom and encourage children to explore on their own
Parents may wish to create a relatively free space and provide resources for their children under the premise of setting a good bottom line, respect their children's decisions, and encourage them to explore independently.
But at the same time, it is necessary to analyze the pros and cons of the choices made for the children, so that they understand the responsibilities and possible consequences behind each choice.
Educator Chen Heqin once said: "The child's world is the child's own exploration and discovery, the knowledge he himself seeks is the true knowledge, and the world he discovers is his true world." "I think so.
No matter how quickly the world changes, we must help children find ways to talk to the world and realize their own values in order to achieve true success in the "life" dimension.
May every child live their own unique and wonderful life!
参考资料 | [1] Institute for the Future and Dell Technologies, The Next Era of Human/Machine Partnerships: Emerging Technologies’ Impact on Society and Work in 2030, July 12, 2017.
[2] [Beauty] Taylor Ben Shahar. Methods of happiness[M]. Beijing: CITIC Press, 2013.
[3] The science behind the peak state of work
http://app.fortunechina.com/mobile/article/198139_e.html
[4] Steve Bidalph. Raising Girls (New Edition)[M]. Beijing: CITIC Press, 2020.
[5] Taiwan's Parent-Child Magazine, December 16, 2013
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