Purely personal experience sharing
In the first article, I summarized the reasons why I began to "demonize", so today I will recall how I almost fell into the fire step by step.
I admit that there are combinations of mothers and filial pieties in this world, and there are also mothers who are kind and gentle in nature who brought up from a young age. I think most families should be mixed and matched with the elderly, or halfway out of the house like us. Like most women, I am a temperamental person, crying and laughing, and losing my temper.
==Get up in the morning to get up and get a chicken fly dog jump ==
When I first came back, the child was already a first-grade student. Waking up every morning was an uphill battle, and it took me 7-8 minutes to wake her up from her sleep (I think I did a good job of the process, and no matter how annoying it was, I didn't yell at her). She was sleepy-eyed, and slowly touched her clothes, and it was difficult to put them on, but the result was still the opposite. In the summer it was fine, up to 2,3 pieces of clothing. Winter is not good, basically I am dressing her, she still has her eyes closed.
When I got up, I started walking slowly to the toilet, and everything was slow and leisurely, like the sloth of Zootopia, maybe not that exaggerated, but in my eyes it was like this.
I couldn't help it, urging her, but she still went her own way. I really can't watch it anymore, so I personally go to war, wash her face, wash her mouth, and say it without fear of your jokes, in order not to be late, sometimes she sits on the toilet, and I feed her breakfast. This scene had been laughed at by her father countless times.
It went on for a semester, and by the second grade, I couldn't stand it. I seemed to see the shadow of a giant baby in my daughter, so every morning from the moment she got out of bed, it was my urging voice.
To tell the truth, it is difficult not to be crazy, she can play with the toothbrush when she washes her mouth, plays with water when she washes her face, plays with paper when she goes to the toilet, as if you have to stare at her and remind her at all times that "you can't do this". If you don't remind her, she can go all the way down, which we call "a little unconscious."
Later, she began to bump into me, Mom, you are so annoying, don't rush! A sermon officially began. The end result was either that I made her cry, or that she made me angry enough to shut up, and there was no improvement in her own rubbing behavior anyway. And I slowly found myself full of resentment every morning, and began to preach uncontrollably, and even deliberately threatened her with the matter of being late. I hate myself like this.
And I found myself with a terrible worry, a child who is completely unable to control himself, what will happen in the future? I took such a small thing and began to elevate it to a life problem, and I still felt taken for granted. So I became more and more anxious, and I thought I was really paranoid, of course, I just felt it now, and I took it for granted.
==Why am I so afraid of her being late, so I don't want her to be late==
I remember saying that my daughter said the most, when I was a child, my parents didn't care about us, they dressed themselves, they walked to school by themselves, they never dared to go to school sooner or later, you are in such a good environment now, and you are still slow.
So why didn't I dare let her do it herself? Because I was afraid that she would be late, afraid that she would be embarrassed by being punished for being late. Afraid that her little self-esteem would not be able to accept it. So I urged her, my starting point is all because of love, but my method makes my daughter not feel love, all she feels is my dislike for her.
So I started to change, and the process was painful for me. I need to hand over to her the initiative of mastering time in the morning, rather than clinging to my own hands. In fact, this is more difficult than you take the initiative to manage the child, once we hand over the initiative, when will the child accept, the middle of this process is all the test of the heart of the old mother.
1. When she rubs, I have to learn to shut up.
2. When she is about to be late, I will force myself to remind her only twice, and this reminder is not a reminder, but a time.
3. If you are really late, let her bear the consequences herself, and don't say look at it on the way to school, it's all you, you're going to be late, I see what you do? In fact, at this time, the child's heart is generally uncomfortable, we do not need to strengthen this feeling, otherwise it will cause rebellion, the child thinks that you are schadenfreude.
But when you come back, you must ask her how she feels, and you can't laugh at her at this time, for example, look, I said you're late, you were punished by the teacher, see if you're still rubbing tomorrow? Tell her that in the future, your mother will not always urge you, you need to know that going to school is your own business, and any result is your own responsibility. What we have to do is to strengthen the child's awareness of the control of the initiative.
Of course, this process is different for each child, some once, twice remembered, some may take a long time, but no matter what, your own child you do not trust her, then who will trust her in the future? (My family belongs to the Optimist faction, which has a bad memory, and I can't remember how many times she suffered.) ）
These three sentences may seem simple, but it took me more than a year to learn it myself, and the process was unusually difficult.
I said before that I am an ordinary temperament person, I am not a day, a week, a month can do not urge her, too harsh on myself, will only make me give up quickly.
At the beginning, if I could not urge her one day in a week, I felt that I was improving, encouraging myself, and then slowly progressing, the child was late several times, after being punished by the teacher, she also began to realize the seriousness of the matter, of course, she is a child after all, even I need to control myself, let alone her?
Now that it's fourth grade, it's perfectly okay for me to call her in the morning, at most twice, she dresses herself, she washes herself, and everything is done in 15 minutes. In the process, I always shut up. Because she has clearly realized that this late school is something she is responsible for. She completely took the initiative to master her own rhythm,
Of course, my child is not suddenly like this, she is also slowly changing, at that time my relationship with her is like a time hourglass, the initiative is a grain of sand, I am slowly instilling in her, little by little. She was also accepting little by little until I had run out of sand grains.
So in the matter of the child getting up in the morning, I completely "lay flat".
Some people may say that the fourth grade is naturally not delayed, or my children have long stopped dragging. Yes, every child is unique, the situation is different, like I said before, I am just a summary of personal experience.
Just want to talk about the issue of the transfer of initiative from the matter of being late, then in the next article, I will talk about the most headache learning situation.
Continuously...