The colleague went to the parent-teacher conference, and the class teacher told her:
"Your child is good in all aspects, that is, the temper is too introverted, and it is expected that parents can provide more guidance and guidance, and the next semester will be lively and cheerful."
Colleagues know that the class teacher is a good intention, and she is often worried about the child's introverted temper and will not be welcomed in the group, but because she herself has a quiet temper, she can't help but be a little confused:
"Introverted, is it really a temper flaw?"
Not surprisingly, I've seen a TED talk where the speaker, Susan Kane, had similar doubts when she was 9 years old.
She attended summer camp that year, and her mother straightened out her suitcase, which was full of books.
This is a very common thing for her, because the usual activity of their family is to read books.
She thought that the summer camp, that is, a dozen girls gathered around to read a book, but she did not expect that the summer camp was more like a party, a group of people noisy.
She waited until the party was over, so she hurried back to the dormitory to read a book.
As she picked up her book, a girl in the dorm asked her, "Why are you so quiet?" ”
At that moment, she suddenly realized that she did not seem to be very social.
But she still snuggled up in bed and read a book as soon as she had time, and before long, her leader came over in a depressed mood and said, "You have to cheer yourself up to become a little extroverted." ”
The implication is: "If you keep like this, your friends won't like you." ”
Although she was very reluctant, she still put down her books and cheered into the team.
Since this incident, she has first become self-questioning: "Should I make a shift and become extroverted?" ”
In order to make herself look "normal", she abandoned her dream of being a writer and chose the profession of lawyer.
She also tries to go to various parties and force herself to socialize.
But after many years of going around, she finally came back to writing and became a writer.
And the years of trying to make herself extroverted, for her, is not only a problem, but also a loss.
Some people say that this is just an isolated case, and introversion is finally not good.
Is this really the case?
1. Introverted temper and extrovert temper
Physiologist Carl Jung was the first expert to put forward the idea of "extroversion" and "introversion".
As soon as the holidays come, I often hear parents around me blaming their children like this:
Staying at home every day, I don't know how to go out and find the same window to play. You see so-and-so, as soon as you have time, you get together with this classmate and that friend, and people are more outgoing. You are always bored at home every day, how can you make friends?
In our cognition, extroverts who love to go out and wave "eat well, are good at diplomacy, and have a future", while introverted children who stay at home are easily "excluded, have no colleagues, and often suffer losses".
But according to Karl Jung, a child's love of "solitude" or "surrender" is the cause of his temper, not the effect.
Put it this way, I've been basically alone.
Of course, I also like to occasionally like a group of people frolicking.
Carl Jung felt that there are no pure extroverts or pure introverts in the world, ordinary people have both, the question is how many.
You can think of me as a remote control, and when I run out of power, I need to recharge my energy by resting or being alone.
It's like putting a battery in a remote control and it's charged.
But if he is an extrovert and a tempered person, when he feels that there is no electricity, he will get energy from colleagues and society.
It's like finding a charger for the remote control and getting the pneumatic power from the outside source.
Therefore, socializing is consuming energy for introverts, and adding energy to extroverts.
Conversely, being alone is about charging introverts, while being extroverts is a drain.
A child's love of "enthusiasm" or love of "solitude" is not the consequence of his temper selection, but the cause of his temper.
2. During the formation of temperament
When was the child's temper first caused?
In the documentary "The Whimsical World of the North Nose", scientists have done a series of experiments to understand this question.
They prepared dolls for their 6-month-old babies, like clown boxes that pop up when they touch them, dogs that flip over their heads as they walk, and strangers with masks.
After investigation, scientists have concluded that in babies, the three basic temperaments of adults have been shown: rigorous, calm and lively.
This temperament, which has been displayed since childhood, is the starting point of a child's temper.
When we feed our children, we will not spontaneously adapt to their personalities and use them to provide the environment they need.
And this acquired interaction has shaped their temper.
The child's "introverted" and "extroverted", like a coin with a front and back, have no stakes, which is his unique character.
Both extroverts and introverts are their innate gifts.
3. Mutual advantages
Introverted and extroverted children have their own advantages and disadvantages.
Extroverted children, in our understanding, most of them think that they will have more prospects when they grow up.
Because they are good at handling interpersonal relationships, they are more popular with open-mindedness, they speak confidently and confidently, and they can be easily remembered.
The various manifestations of extroverted children seem to point to one word - "leadership".
Their extroverted personality is more likely to become a decision-making and convincing boss when they grow up.
But after the study, it was found that the results were not the same, and among the bosses, the proportion of introverted and extroverted people was similar
And Grant of the University of Pennsylvania taught that through research, a very interesting phenomenon was discovered:
Introverted bosses are more capable and make a lot of money than extroverted bosses!
Why?
Because he found that introverted bosses would be biased towards letting them play freely when they got along with their subordinates.
Extroverted bosses will subconsciously express their own ideas and ideas, which usually limits the creativity of subordinates to a large extent.
The book "Introverts and High Sensitivity" is a detailed analysis of the unique advantages of introverts: rigorous, single-minded, good at analysis, perseverance, empathy, etc.
Among the celebrities and great people we know, many are introverts.
Like Darwin, if he was busy socializing and socializing every day, he wouldn't be thinking about evolution in solitude; like Haruki Murakami, if it wasn't for his characteristic quiet temper, he wouldn't have written so many world-renowned works; bill Gates, who loved to stay in his room and study technology alone than touching people; like Buffett, if being alone was a torture for him, he wouldn't have connected for hours to devote himself to work...
It is precisely because of the strength of the introverted personality that they have chosen a life that suits them and reached the achievements that no one else can match.
4. Put your child in the right place
I used to see a mother who, in order to force her son to become extroverted, specified that he must take the initiative to greet 10 strangers every day and forcibly pushed him into the crowd.
We always ask introverted children to become open-minded and cheerful because of stereotypes and misunderstandings.
This practice will probably make the child become "fake extrovert" and become more and more nervous and afraid of social interaction.
In the face of the child's differentiated personality traits, parents have no choice but to put aside their worries, put the child into the right environment for him, and let him maximize his talents.
If we are worried that introverted children will not fit in, we can make some appropriate encouragement:
"Why don't we try it and talk to our friends for a minute?" Maybe you'll be happy to make new friends. ”
If the child is willing to try, then we will take it step by step, gradually increasing the child's social time, so that he can slowly accept and enjoy the process of making friends.
If the child is really unwilling and wants to be alone, then we should not force it and respect his ideas.
By the way, don't casually label your child as "ignorant", "embarrassed", "shy", etc.
Occasionally the child does not want to communicate with friends, hindering the face, we will subconsciously blame their own children: "Why are you so ignorant of the rules?" ”
Or explain to the guest: "My child is just shy and embarrassed, don't be weird." ”
These words will deepen the child's misconception about himself: "My personality is indeed not good. ”
This will allow children to plant the seeds of inferiority in their hearts.
Whether the child is introverted or extroverted, his temper has laid the foundation from infancy.
Instead of trying to transform him, we should follow his growth laws, give him more tolerance and patience, and let him use his own methods to accumulate energy.
Maybe we can also cultivate the next celebrity or great man, or the next Musk.